Curious Jealousy
by HeartyMedusa
Summary: Kaidan had questioned Shepard's loyalties since Horizon and even admitted that he tried to move on from her. Naturally, Shep is going to be jealous (especially after she meets the other woman). Also, there is some potential jealousy from a certain Major, given how Shep and a certain Lieutenant flirt. Rated M for language, drunkenness, and potential future content.
1. Chapter One- Meet the Doctor

**Note: I do not own Mass Effect, I'm just playing with Bioware's toys. **

* * *

_Profile_

_Name: Commander Shepard_

_Class: Soldier_

_History: Spacer, War Hero_

_Personality: Paragon_

* * *

She stood outside of the hospital room for a long time, just staring at the closed door. She was sure she looked pathetic- lost- just staring. She had seen him only a half an hour earlier...but, somehow, just thinking of seeing him laying on a hospital bed- in a _real_ hospital- was worse.

She had seen him laying on a bed in here infirmary. Sometimes from an injury from a mission- mostly because of migraines. She also knew that he would pull through.

"Can I help you, ma'am?" a perky voice asked, causing her to jump. "Are you here to see a patient?"

Shepard tilted her head a little, studying the woman before her. Something was familiar about her. She was short- probably about 5 foot 3 inches, or so. She had long brown hair hat was tied back into a pony tail, a nice tan, even features, and green eyes. Shepard didn't recall ever meeting her.

"Yeah," she managed, trying not to play with the hat that she had just bought- just so she could avoid unwanted attention. "I'm here to see Major Kaidan Alenko." She looked back to the closed door.

The woman nodded. "He's just in there, but he hasn't woke up yet."

Keeping her expression neutral, Shepard asked, "How is he? I know he took quite a beating."

"He's lucky he was on such a fast ship. It was pretty touch-and-go, but we managed to stabilize him. Right now, he's in an induced coma." Shepard must have made an involuntary sound because the doctor looked at her sympathetically. "Don't worry, we induced it to give his body time to heal. We'll probably wake him up in a few days."

Silently scolding herself, Shepard asked, "So he's going to be okay?"

The doctor nodded with a small smile. "He'll have to stay here for a while. He's pretty banged up- multiple breaks and fractures. Kaidan will have a few more scars, but he'll be back in fighting shape in no time."

Shepard raised her eyebrows at the doctor calling him "Kaidan" as opposed to "Major" or "Alenko." The doctor blushed and looked down at her datapad. "I'll probably be back with more questions after I see him."

"That's fine. Let me know if there're any problems."

Shepard looked back to the door and took a deep breath. _Now, damn it, you have fought _Geth_, got in the face of an _angry Krogan_, _died_, fought _Collectors_, and fought a damn _Thresher Maw_- on _foot_, no less! You are _Commander Shepard_, the biggest _**badass**_ in space! You can go into a hospital room and check on your boyfriend...ex-boyfriend...friend...team mate...whatever._

Straightening her back and raising her head, she marched into the hospital room and stumbled when she looked at Kaidan. She felt the uncried tears threaten, but she choked them back. She had just seem him half an hour (she checked her omni-tool)- okay, an hour ago. He looked horrible. The marks she hadn't seen on his chest because of his armor, glared obviously.

"Kaidan," she whispered, walking over to the bed to take his hand. "That...it should be _me_ in that bed. I should have been the one to check the shuttle...not you."

She sat down on the edge of his bed and ran her free hand gently down his cheek. "There hasn't been enough time. We haven't gotten to talk about anything. I don't even know where we stand with each other."

Lifting the hand she held to her cheek, she pressed lightly into the warmth. With his hand to his cheek, she found it comical that any merc or criminal could find her intimidating. She was so much smaller than Kaidan (let alone James).

"I never told you something, Kaidan. Not before...not before I was gone, and not since. I loved you..love- I love you, Kaidan."

Standing and gently laying his hand back on his bed, she leaned over and pressed a light kiss to his forehead. "Get better, Kaidan. We need you..._I_ need you."

Shepard walked from the room and leaned against the wall just outside of his room. She wouldn't cry- it was unprofessional-...okay, she wouldn't cry in _public_. Once she got back on the Normandy, in her quarters, all bets were off.

She straightened her hat and went to find the pretty doctor that she had talked to. She had a few questions for her.


	2. Chapter Two- Deception

Author Note: I never intended for this to be a one shot (I'm sorry if that's the impression that everyone got). I don't know how long this will get (but I know it'll be longer than five or six chapters). So sorry for the confusion.

I do not own Mass Effect (sadly) or Bioware (just as sadly), I'm just playing with their pretty toys. Adria, however, is a completely made up character by me.

* * *

The pretty doctor wasn't too hard to find- she was in the lobby talking to the secretary. Before walking up to her, Shepard tapped her comm and waited for a second for a response.

"Yes, Commander?" EDI asked.

Shepard kept her eyes on the doctor. "I need you to send out a message to all crew that are on the Citadel. Tell them that, if they see me, they're to ignore me. They are not to salute, not to say my name, and they are not to mention the Normandy."

EDI paused for a second, obviously trying to fully process the order. "I will do so, Commander, but can I ask why?"

She tucked as much of her short, red hair underneath the hat as she could- never taking her eyes off of the doctor that had called Kaidan by his name. "I'm going undercover. My target doesn't need to know who I am- it is VITAL that they don't know who I am."

"Of course, Commander."

"Anything short of a galactic catastrophe, I am to be unapproachable. Reapers are the only excuse that will stop someone from getting shot by me."

"Understood, Commander."

Relaxing her "commander stance," Shepard walked over to the doctor and waited (seemingly) patiently as the doctor finished her conversation.

"Hello again," the doctor greeted her with a smile. "Did everything go alright?"

Shepard felt her easy smile twitch a little. "He looks horrible. I mean, I've seen him on an infirmary cot quite a bit, but this is just so much worse."

The doctor nodded and looked down at her datapad. "He'll pull through, though." She paused and looked up at Shepard curiously. "You served with Kaidan?"

There it was again. _Kaidan_. As though she knew him! "Oh, we did a tour together a few years back- back when he was still a lieutenant."

"Doctor Adria Moore," she said, producing her hand for Shepard to shake.

Shepard's eyes widened a fraction as she took the doctor's hand- and struggled not to crush any of the 27 bones which made up the hand. Now she knew where she recognized her from. She had looked her up on one of Liara's terminals eight or nine months prior (and had not gotten any further than the picture). This was Kaidan's "doctor friend" that he had gone out with. This explained why she insisted upon calling Kaidan- _Shepard's_ Kaidan- by his name.

"Commander Lia," Shepard said, lying about her name. "Sorry, call me Lia," she gave a careless chuckle. "Sometimes it's hard to remember that _Commander_ isn't my real name." She contemplated what Liara might think of Shepard butchering her name and reminded herself not to _tell _Liara (which didn't mean that she wouldn't find out- she _was _the Shadow Broker, after all).

The doctor- _Adria_- chuckled and nodded her head. "I have the same problem with _Doctor_. It's hard to step away from a role and become a normal  
human."

Looking Adria in the eyes, her "Commander Lia" facade faltered an inch. "It gets harder with every passing year."

Adria glanced down at her datapad, mildly uncomfortable with Shepard's change of tone. "I guess it's a little more difficult for you- being a marine, and all."

Shepard covertly glanced at Adria's datapad and noticed that it was Kaidan's file. Gritting her teeth, she smiled at Adria. "Listen, I know that I'm taking a lot of your time. If you want, when you get a break, I'll take you out to lunch- my treat." Giving an easy smile, she continued, "The Major is a friend of mine and I'd like to make sure that he's being well taken care of."

The other woman nodded. "I can understand that. In order to be well taken care of, you need to make sure that I'm good."

"For the Major, I'm pretty sure that _good_ isn't good enough. I need to make sure that you're one of the best."

Glancing down at her omni-tool, she nodded. "I'm done with my shift in an hour. Why don't I meet you up on the Presidium at the Corner Bar?"

Shepard forced another carefree laugh. "Perfect. That gives me plenty of time to cook up my interrogation question," she half-lied.

Adria smiled and joined her in her laughter.


	3. Chapter Three- Background

**Author's Note:**** Thank you to all the lovelies who have since followed, favorite, and commented on this story. I must warn all of you that this chapter has Shepard acting a little insecure and, even she admits, jealous.**

**I do not own Mass Effect; I'm just playing with Bioware's toys.**

* * *

In the elevator, Shepard commed Liara. She needed to be refreshed on Adria's file, and who better than the Shadow Broker to fill her in?

"Yes, Shepard?" Liara answered, sounding somewhat surprised. "I thought you were undercover?"

Making a face, Shepard rolled her eyes and ignored the obvious question. "I need to know everything you have on a Doctor Adria Moore. Send it to my omni-tool."

There was a pause as Liara located the file. "Shepard..." she began slowly- probably because she had just skimmed it. "Are you sure that you know what you're doing?"

The door to the elevator opened and Shepard raised an eyebrow as she got out. "If I didn't know what I was doing, I wouldn't be doing it." She walked up to a store and glanced in, spotting a black dress that she was certain Kai-...no, she couldn't go there yet- especially not right now. "Just send the file, Liara."

"If I give this to you...what're you going to do?"

Gritting her teeth, she said, "I'm just going to talk to her. She's taking care of him and I need to make sure that she's good enough."

There was a brief hesitation. "Good enough to take care of him, or good enough _for_ him?"

Shepard's patience snapped. "Send the damn file, Liara."

A small ping from her omni-tool had her turning off her comm. Walking to the bar, Shepard took a seat in a far corner- taking a seat that offered the most privacy and the best view of the door. She began to read the updated file.

**_Name: Adria Leanne Moore  
Age: 28  
Birthdate: January 8, 2158  
Birthplace: Las Angeles, California, Earth  
Occupation: Neurologist_**

Shepard frowned at her omni-tool. The damage to his head was severe, true, but to have a neurologist on call for Kaidan meant that it was worse than she imagined. Then she remembered the overheard conversation before she had even met Adria and when she first began to stare at the door. They had needed to put in neuro-splints.

Biting her lower lip, Shepard worried. She knew that he suffered from migraines thanks to his L2 implants. There were times when he could do nothing more than lay in a dark room and try not to breathe too loudly- let alone anyone else.

* * *

_Shepard walked into the med-bay, not even paying attention to the fact that the lights were dim and there wasn't even a whisper of the soft classical music that Chakwas usually had playing in the background. She was searching for a certain someone she had seen entering the medbay as she began her nightly rounds._

"Lieutenant?" she asked in her normal voice, looking around. It was at about that point that she realized that the lights were low and turned them up to normal brightness.

She was going to use the excuse that she wanted his input on the last mission- which had been so trivial that it was completely transparent that she was seeking him out for no other reason than to talk to him (him as in Kaidan_, not _Lieutenant Alenko_). Then again, she had just finished talking to Ash, Garrus, Tali, and Wrex as well (and not as though she was their superior officer, but as equals), so it wasn't as though she was giving him preferential treatment...per se._

Hearing the soft moan and the rustle of hospital sheets, she found him curled in a ball on his side. He had his hands clasped over his ears and, once she got closer, it looked like he was struggling not to cry. His eyes were clenched shut and tension was clearly written on his face. His muscles were strained, as though bracing for attack from an invisible adversary.

"Kaidan," she murmured more softly, taken aback.

"Please...lights...off..." She had barely heard him, but his suffering was obvious enough that she hurried to turn off the lights and close the windows against the light and observers.

When her task was done, she walked quietly to his side and struggled to figure out something to do (was she supposed to leave, to comfort him- and what was she supposed to do with her hands?). She had known him a scant month or so, but she was so drawn to him. Seeing this side of him was enlightening. She heard his hum of approval (or maybe thanks, how was she to know?)- though that seemed to cause him pain as well.

Slipping off her boots (which she had only loosely tied), she sat down on the edge of the bed (her legs and feet on the bed as well) and slowly- gently- rolled him over onto his back- his head pressed lightly against her waist. Just as gently, she removed his hands from his ears and placed them to his sides. Slowly, she placed the tips of her fingers on his temples, allowing them to trail up his face (if only to truly touch him, and to get him to relax his muscles), and began to massage. Shepard kept her breathing shallow and light, so as not to cause any more pain than she already had.

It took a while, but Shepard felt as the tension slowly left his body. His face was the last to relax, but, as it did, he fell asleep. But, even with him asleep, she didn't stop. It was as though she was obligated to help him sleep. Every once and awhile, she would pause long enough to brush his hair from his face, or to just stroke his hair. She kept up with the massage until she, too, fell asleep.

She had awoken several hours later, lying down fully in the hospital bed (though she wasn't quite sure how she managed that) and in Kaidan's arms. Her head rested on his arm and her back pressed against his chest. And, just as she would think four years later, she marveled at how petite she was compared to him, yet it was her_ that the bad guys cowered before._

Sighing contentedly, she fell back into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

What could the damage from that damn AI do? Would he be forced to retire- to forever worry about worse migraines?

Selfishly, she worried that it would be Adria- or someone like her- that would be there to massage his migraines, that she would be the one to give him his pain meds, or cut him off before he over-did them. For something so simple, Shepard knew that she could be replaced. And, with that thought, she felt the cold knife of true jealousy twist in her heart.

Clenching her teeth against the curious emotion, she turned back to her omni-tool where unread messages from Udina flashed. She would meet with the councilor after she was done with Adria. They had turned their backs on her and ignored her warning about the reapers for the last two- oops, she meant four- years. She was pretty sure that they could wait a few more hours.

**_Mother was a journalist and inspiring novelist.  
Father was a general doctor.  
Family (Parents and an older brother- Caleb) moved to Mindoir in 2165. They claimed that they were tired of the rushed life on Earth and wanted little more than to relax and enjoy life. The fact that Doctor Moore was offered a job on Mindoir fit nicely into their wants.  
Parents were killed in 2170 during the Batarian attack on Mindoir. Caleb was taken as a slave and died later that year from an infection. She was twelve at the time and visiting her grandparents (on her mother's side) on Earth._**

Shepard stared down at her omni-tool, unsure how to process what she had just read. This woman was from a truly broken past. She had lost everything by the age of twelve and, yet, she still continued.

Kaidan was damaged as well. The only difference was that Kaidan was three years older when his Hell began. At fifteen he was taken from his Vancouver home to Gagarin Station (aka Jump Zero). He stayed there and suffered for two years before killing Vyrnnus. It then took him five years to decide to put that behind him and join the Alliance.

What about Shepard? Daughter of Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard and Admiral Nathaniel Shepard. What had she once told Kaidan that she was? Navy Brat. She was a navy brat, spacer kid. The worst part of her childhood was going from ship-to-ship and rarely having a sit down dinner with _both_ of her parents. And the fact that she wanted for nothing (except for a horse that her parents never got her), didn't help matters.

Turning of the omni-tool, she gestured one of the Asari waitresses over. "I would like four shots of ryncol and a glass of Batarian ale."

The Asari gave Shepard a pained look. "Ma'am, Ryncol is for Krogan consumption, not human."

"Would it make you feel better if I said one shot and two glasses of the ale?"

Pursing her lips, the Asari walked back to the bar to fill her order. Shepard looked around the room- spotting at least three members of the Normandy pointedly _not_ looking at her. When the Asari came back, Shepard thanked her and immediately downed the shot. Sighing with relief as the bitter warmness spread throughout her body, the Asari gave her a startled look and walked away quickly.

It wasn't until Shepard had finished her second glass of Batarian Ale that Adria walked in. Shepard gestured for the waitress to take the glasses away.

"Two glasses of Asari Honey Mead please," Shepard ordered. Never taking her eyes off of her target.

Well, at least it wouldn't be the first time she faced the Council drunk.

* * *

**Author's Note:**** This was actually going to have (at least part) of Shepard's meeting with Adria, but Shepard decided to have a trip down memory lane and then insisted upon comparing their lives. It is also a wee bit longer thanks to Shepard's insistence with taking over my creative process and adding more. :D**

**The details of Kaidan's migraines vary from author to author- as I'm sure anyone who reads Shenko fanfic knows. From personal experience (at least three or four a month), this is how ****_my_**** migraines are, so that is how I describe Kaidan's. The details are a slight bit scant for the courtesy of other people who might imagine his migraines differently.**


	4. Chapter Four- Undercover

**_Author's Note: This chapter actually ended up a lot shorter than I had actually planned. I'll explain a little more at the end._**

**_I do not (unfortunately) own Bioware or Mass Effect. _**

* * *

Adria looked different outside of work than she did in the hospital. For starters, she wasn't wearing the standard white doctor coat and her brown hair was down and falling just past her shoulders. She was wearing a pair of black pants and a simple white baby doll tee. She was practically the opposite of Shepard. Shepard was wearing her standard Alliance BDUs (comfortable, hassle free), her normal combat boots, and her hair was short and stuffed under a hat- so need to worry about that.

"Lia!" Adria greeted happily, sitting down fluidly.

It took a minute for Shepard to unclench her jaw from irritation. Of course, she wasn't quite sure what she was irritated with (and, of course, she was finding that she wasn't too fond of jealousy). "Adria, how was the rest of your shift?"

At least she had enough courtesy to look uneasy. "There was a small problem right after you left, but everything's taken care of."

Shepard felt as though her heart stopped, but she looked at Adria with an evenness that startled the other woman. "What happened?" her voice was both commanding and...gentle- as though she was doing nothing more than convincing a child that, as long as the child told the truth, she wouldn't get too angry about the child getting a cookie before dinner.

"It was nothing too bad," she said, picking up her glass and taking a sip- a _sip!_- before setting it down. "His heart rate has been sporadic since he was brought in, but it seemed to settle down for a little while, but it suddenly spiked right after you left."

A strange smell filled Shepard's nose. It wasn't offensive- just not something she smelled every day. "But you're a neurologist, not a cardiologist," Shepard pointed out, raising an eyebrow and her glass- pleased to find she had a slight buzz going on (she would have had a much better one if that Asari had let her have the three other shots of Ryncol).

Adria, again, looked surprised. "I am, but Kaidan's my only patient at the current time, so I helped out." A slight pause. "How did you know that?"

Biting back a smirk, Shepard shrugged. "I'm Alliance and I have connections- most of which are classified. But, also, I have a friend in the information business." No need to let her know that her friend was the _leader _of the information business.

"You really care for him, don't you?"

There was a question that Shepard had always hoped to never be asked from anyone _not _in her close circle. Picking her words carefully, she said, "I respect him. We were very close once and I just want to look out for him."

They both sat in silence, drinking their mead, as they thought about it.

"You wanted to make sure that I'm the best- that was the main reason you wanted to have drinks." It wasn't a question. "I'm sure that you know all my credentials."

Lavender. That strange smell had been lavender. Kaidan had dated a woman who smelled like a feminine, little purple flower. Something about that fact irritated Shepard even further. "I do, but credentials only tell me so much about a person. I need to figure out how invested you're in him as a person."

Adria looked down at the table, her glass still three quarters full. "We went out on a few dates a year ago, but we've stayed friends." It was getting steadily harder to ignore the desire to do something rash and unlike herself.

Shepard pursed her lips and struggled not to ask a damning question. "You do understand that that'll make treating him harder," she said instead.

"No, actually, I think it'll make it easier. It means that I have a greater appreciation for his life. He's a good man and deserves to live." The small little smile that teased on Adria's face had Shepard questioning her _higher ground _morality. She contemplated the consequences of punching Kaidan's pretty ex-girlfriend doctor in the mouth and walking away. It was a tantalizing thought.

Working her jaw a few times, Shepard refused to look at Adria as she silently cursed her parents for the morality they had instilled in her since birth. "He deserves to live and be happy." She looked back up. "Is there anything he might need?"

Adria looked confused. "No, his medical expenses are covered by the Alliance."

Standing, Shepard looked down at the pretty brunette and nodded somberly. "I have a meeting that I need to get to. If you figure out anything- _anything_- that he needs, send me a message and I'll see to it that it's provided."

"Lia-"

"You're nice- obviously a good person. Take care of him," she demanded, hating the closed feeling in her throat.

Shepard turned on her heel and left the bar after waving a hand to the waitress. They had her information on file, anyway. She had a meeting with the Council.

Oh, joy.

* * *

**_Author's Note: It was either walk away or punch Adria. Since this is a paragon FemShep, she took the higher (way more difficult) road and walked away. But, fear not, there is more to come._**


	5. Chapter Five- Drunken

**_Author Note: Thank all of you that reviewed, favorited, and followed the story (it makes me smile each time I see a new alert. :D_**

**_Aya001_****_: It was _****extremely****_ difficult to get Shepard to walk away (mostly because I wanted to punch Adria too), but she took the higher road. Thank you for the lovely review (don't worry, I sometimes forget to review stories I read too). ;)_**

**_Azucuache:_****_ I very nearly almost didn't write Shepard's council meeting. Thank you for being excited for that!_**

**I do not own Mass Effect and, in no way (unfortunately), shape, or form associated with Bioware.**

* * *

There was a large part of her that wanted to turn around and go back to that bar and tell Adria the truth- that she wanted to punch her (when her hand twitched a little to her waist, she conceded that she kind of wanted to shoot her) in the face.

While she admitted that she needed to get to the embassy to meet with the Council, she couldn't honestly say that she was nearly buzzed enough (and, for that, she cursed Cerberus and their irritating accomplishment with speeding up her metabolism...and that Asari waitress as well). Instead, she headed down to the Zakera ward to visit her favorite Turian bartender for a few drinks- at least she knew that _he_ would serve her as many shots of Ryncol as she wanted.

Pleasantly trashed (and eight other shots later), she reached the embassy. It was thrilling to wonder whether or not she would be able to stay on her feet, let alone whether she would be able to find _Councilor Udina's _office.

Many expletives threatened to be released as she thought about the former ambassador. So much for choosing Anderson all those years ago. Well, at least she had the pleasurable knowledge that Anderson had punched him so hard that he passed out. A drunken giggle escaped despite her internal war against it.

"Commander Shepard, the council is waiting to see you," an Asari informed her, letting her know that she had, indeed, found Udina's office. From both her tone (forced ignorance and politeness) and expression (the same as her tone), it was obvious that she could smell the copious amount of alcohol that Shepard had consumed.

Fixing the best approximation of her _commander face_ that she could manage to her face she nodded, "Lead the way, then."

* * *

"Commander Shepard, so glad that you could join us," Tevos- the Asari Councilor- said in way of greeting.

Liara looked over as Shepard stood beside her and gave her a disapproving look that spoke legions. "I apologize, Councilors. One of my crew was injured on Mars and was taken to Huerta Memorial."

"As I was saying," Udina said, obviously continuing on a rant he had been on before Shepard had even appeared. "The Reapers arrived at Earth first- humanity has been hardest."

Rolling her eyes, Shepard leaned over to Liara. "Has he been like this the entire time?"

Ignoring her question, Liara gave Shepard a glare that almost rivaled one of her own. "You smell like a semi-clean Krogan, Shepard."

"What does that even _mean_?" she scoffed.

"It means that you've been drinking enough to put a Krogan in a coma."

There was a pause in the Councilor's debate, giving Shepard a clue that she needed to step up. "The Reaper's have hit Earth. We need everyone- every fleet- to battle them."

"Even if Earth has been hit as hard as you both say, we all have our own worlds to worry about. We too are getting hit by the Reapers," Tevos explained. "We simply can't afford to send our fleets to Earth."

A cruel (_very _drunk) part of Shepard wanted to say, _Ah, yes. "Your worlds." We have dismissed those claims._ It was a hard fought internal battle not to say those words.

"The majority of the Reaper fleet is in the Sol system," Shepard said instead, hoping that only she could hear the slurring of her words. From Liara's expression, it wasn't completely unnoticed. "If Earth falls, you are dooming each of your own worlds."

"You can't honestly expect us to abandon our worlds and follow you without a plan," the Turian Councilor- Sparatus- scoffed.

Shepard took a few seconds to respond- had she not, there was a chance she might have called him a pompous ass. "No, Councilor, I don't expect you all to follow me without a plan- it just so happens that we have one," she informed them a bit indignantly.

Liara stepped forward after giving Shepard a look of exasperation. "A plan for a device..."

Instead of listening to Liara, Shepard watched the Councilor's. Specifically, she watched the Salarian Councilor- she struggled to remember his name..._ah, that's right, Valern._ Because, despite the belief that Tevos was in charge, they always looked to him. Or, perhaps it was because he was the least talkative of the Councilors. She didn't want to think too hard about that. However, he didn't seem too impressed with what Liara was saying.

They were screwed.

"The fact still remains that you don't know what it'll do," Sparatus pointed out. Again Shepard felt her hand twitch (and she decided that, if she was ever going to get drunk again and meet with the Council, she might want to leave her gun in the Normandy).

Tevos looked over at Valern and his head shook. "I'm sorry, Commander, we simply cannot give you the reinforcements you want," she said.

Shepard shook her head. "You may have just cost everyone this war, Councilors."

Together they all stood and walked through a door behind their platforms.

"What was that?" Liara demanded heatedly.

"The damn Councilors keeping their heads stuck in the proverbial sand," Shepard said with a small laugh.

"Not that!" Liara looked Shepard over with a sharp eye. "You _knew_ that we had this meeting, Shepard! Did you really have to drink so much?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow as she began walking to the elevator. "Not that it's your place to question my actions, but yes." She thought about what might have happened if something had happened between Kaidan and Liara. At about that point, she decided that, _maybe_, that last shot of Ryncol _might_ have been a mistake.

"Ah, you met her. Would you like to-"

Shepard raised a hand. "I'll meet you on the Normandy in two hours. I have a few more errands to run."

Shepard stood outside of the shop, still wondering whether she should buy the dress. She was to be the vanguard- _of your destruction,_ she added silently with an internal, drunken, chuckle- of the most important galactic war that they had ever known, and she was contemplating buying a dress to appease her ego and, possibly, for a man that she had no business being with. She should be spending all her extra creds on gun and armor mods, not frivolous things that she, more than likely, would never wear. With that thought, her drunken minded decided that she _was_ going to buy that dress and damn the consequences.

She walked into the store like she owned it and walked up to the clerk. She tried to lighten her determined look with a regular smile, but it wouldn't appear. "I'm looking to buy that dress," Shepard informed the clerk- a petite little blonde-, pointing at the dress in the window.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but that's the last-" her eyes widened comically and she dropped her magazine. "You're Commander Shepard- here, in my store!"

Shepard felt herself fall into a parade rest- with no thought on her part- and silently berated herself. "Yes, I am."

The clerk rushed from behind the counter and got the dress down. "Anything else?" she asked, practically begging.

"A pair of shoes to go with them." She really couldn't wear her boots with a dress like that. When the clerk showed her a pair of shoes- which were _incredibly_ impractical-, she nodded her assent. "Those will be fine. Please send them to the Normandy on dock bay D24," she advised after paying (_way _more than was truly feasible in a time of war).

"Have a nice day!" the clerk chimed cheerfully, bring forth a mental reminder of Adria.

Gritting her teeth, Shepard made her way up to Huerta one last time on this trip.

It wasn't _technically_ her fault that she had bumped into a doctor and all of his datapads hit the ground...okay, maybe a little. Still, she could feel the effects of the alcohol fading and, again, cursed Cerberus.

"Shepard!" she heard a familiar voice chime.

"Doctor Michel!" she greeted with a grin.

"I'm assuming you're here about our patient," she said with a small consoling smile.

"How is the Major?" she asked.

"It was pretty touch and go in the beginning, but I believe that he'll make a full recovery. We're doing everything we can for him, Commander."

"Thank you, Doctor." Looking down at her flashing omni-tool, she saw a message from Udina and sighed. "I have a meeting to get to; can you give Kaidan something for me?" She scolded herself for calling Kaidan by his name.

Doctor Michel nodded. "Sure."

Shepard punched a few buttons on her omni-tool and transferred a file to Doctor Michel's omni-tool. "Give this to him if he wakes up and I'm not on the Citadel. Tell him _Code Ash_. He'll understand."

"I understand."

"Thank you, Doctor."

With a sigh worthy of an onstage drama, Shepard made her way to the Embassy's, the entire time muttering about _damn political bullshit_.

* * *

**_Author's Note: I'm not going to write about the meeting with Udina. Shepard doesn't even bring up Kaidan to Udina in that meeting, so I'm just going to move on._**


	6. Chapter Six- Bitter Dance

**_I do not own Mass Effect, I am contorting Bioware's toy for my own usage._**

* * *

The meeting with Udina hadn't gone as expected. Out of all the Councilors, Shepard hadn't, honestly, expected Sparatus to be the one to step forward- to be the most promising ally. It was when he started on about getting the Turians on their- on _humans_- side that Shepard wondered if she had truly ended up in some greasy back alley somewhere between Dark Star and the Presidium. Had she truly even made it to the Embassy the first time- let alone the second time?

As it was, she stopped by Purgatory (another_ lovely_ bar that didn't give a damn what species you were, what drinks you ordered, or if said drinks would kill you) and downed another three shots of Ryncol (_Sobriety be damned,_ Shepard thought on her way to the Normandy). Her parents may have raised her on high moral grounds, but she was at the forefront of a war, losing (already lost?) the man she loved, and would have to broker a summit between the major species. Her mother would have to get over it and, her father...well...Shepard wasn't quite sure what she believed about the afterlife, so she wouldn't touch that.

After standard decon, Shepard poked her head into the cockpit. "Joker, we need to get to Palaven's moon- Menae- ASAP." She pursed her lips and then said, "Apien Crest, Trebia System."

Taking an obvious sniff, Joker nodded. "Aye-aye, Ma'am."

Heading to the elevator, Shepard ignored her head and went to the cargo bay instead of her loft (_Who needs sleep?_).

_There_ was a man who was appealing. At probably six foot three- probably five- inches and muscles everywhere, he screamed alpha male. He was only two (okay, _four_ if you counted the two years she was dead- but_ she_ didn't) years younger than her and had the confidence that Kaidan had always lacked.

"You just going to stand there or d'you want to talk?" James asked, a challenge in his voice.

Shepard walked around and leaned on a bench while he did his pull-ups. "I thought I might come down and check up on you, but I might stay for the show."

James gave her a cocky smile. "All this time, and you still haven't figured out how to make me blush."

She shrugged and let her eyes study him from head-to-foot, hoping that it might cause her to feel something..._anything_. "Hasn't stopped me from trying though, has it?"

James let himself fall to the ground (not that it meant she didn't have to look up, she still did) and gave her an appreciative look. "While you keep thinking of something, how 'bout we dance, Lola."

"Finally, something I _am_ good at," she laughed, following him to the center of the cargo bay.

Without preamble, James threw a punch- which Shepard promptly avoided. "What was up with you and the major?" he asked.

She was so shocked at the question that James landed a punch squarely on her jaw. That was the good thing about James- he didn't pull his punched because she was a woman or because she was Commander Shepard. He did what soldiers were _supposed_ to do- he hit her like she was just another grunt in the military.

"Can't say that I know what you're talking about, James," she hedged, throwing her own punch which he promptly blocked with his right arm (which felt more like a damn steel pipe).

"Give me a break, Lola!" he scoffed. "I've been hanging out with you for six months, he made you act different."

"You mean that you've been babysitting me."

"Apples and oranges."

Shepard sighed and punched him in the cheek. "We used to serve together- back on the SR-1 and before I died. We were something like friends...we all were on the Normandy- family." She lowered her fists and looked at James hard. "We had something of a falling out on Horizon. He believed I was working with Cerberus because I wanted to- didn't even take into consideration that they had resources that I needed."

James took a step forward. "You loved him."

Not a question. It irritated Shepard that he hadn't phrased it as a question. As though she were so easy to read- as though she needed his kind words.

Raising her chin, Shepard shrugged. "Like I said, he was family. I loved them all- I still do. Joker, Chakwas, Liara, and all the others. There's one thing you need to know, James, now that you're aboard my ship- aboard the Normandy." She closed the distance between them and stood chest to chest with him and, in that moment, _she _was the one towering over James because she was unleashing the full _Commander Shepard_ mode on him. "Now you're family and I will die protecting my family."

With those words said, she turned on her heel and headed back to the elevator. Maybe a few hours' sleep wouldn't kill her. As it was, those shots of Ryncol had wore off. Plus, she needed to feed her hamster.

Behind her, James rubbed his jaw and chuckled. Under his breath, he murmured, "_Chica loca_ doesn't even know how far she's gone over him."

Then again, what could _he_ say of denial?

* * *

**_Author's Note:_****_ I had a chapter all written out and ready to be edited, then I got a creative bug that just wouldn't go away and, alas, here it is. It isn't perfect (much to my irritation), but it is what it is. It kind of irritated me in game that they didn't mention the already established relationship between James and Shep. I like to think that he would have picked up that she acted different on Mars with Kaidan than was normal. So, here it is._**

**_And did anyone else find it jaw-dropping-ly surprising that Sparatus was the first to offer a solution for help?_**

**_Sorry about that last little bit. Another bug crawled into my brain and my muse started wailing at me about a new idea._**

**_Comments are always amazing, adored, and wanted._**


	7. Chapter Seven- As Simple as a Scent

**_Author's Note_****_: Thank you for the people who have favorited, followed, and commented. That always makes my day and makes me smile. :D_**

**_This is chapter is going to be a little bit different, and I hope you all like it._**

**_I do not own Mass Effect; I am merely playing with Bioware's pretty, pretty toys._**

* * *

Waking up was painful. Being a marine- as well (okay_, specifically) _as a L2-, he was used to pain.

...

Maybe _pain_ wasn't quite the right word to use.

Whatever the word was (and he was leaning heavily towards _torture_), he wished he had stayed asleep. The problem was that he had smelled something painfully familiar and he needed to see her. But he was unsure whether it was a dream or a memory.

Opening his eyes, there was no one in the room with him- nothing but the hum of the machines was there to greet him. He had been sure that she was there. Of course, the scent had been faint, so, perhaps, it was nothing more than a memory. He shuddered away from the thought (there was a part of him that _needed_ it to be real- if it wasn't, than he fought to wake up for nothing) and tried to sit up- gritting his teeth from screaming.

He had been in more pain before- of course, it had been a few years...and not all of it had been _physical_ pain.

He needed to focus on something- _anything_- besides the pain. The smell of her shampoo- the smell that had awoken him- was a good thing to focus on. It was one that would be forever imprinted on his mind because it was a part of _her_.

* * *

_Ash and Kaidan sat at a table in the mess, laughing about the mission they had just been on. It was easy to laugh with Ash- much easier to call her a friend. They had a shared understanding that Kaidan was crushing on the CO and was terribly embarrassed about it. And he knew that Ashley hated aliens (not really a secret) and she was crushing on their snarky, pain in the ass pilot (which was a _huge_ secret)._

_"You should have seen your face," Ash laughed, "when I shot that husk and it fell into your back!"_

_A chuckle that he would have recognized anywhere sounded from around the corner. When she made herself seen, her blue eyes were alight with laughter and her hair was still wet from a recent shower. "If there was ever a moment when I wished that I carried a camera, it was right then!" She pulled a face of sheer horror and surprise that had Ash practically falling off the bench and Kaidan chuckling. "Don't mock it, Kaidan, that's what you looked like."_

_Kaidan cocked an eyebrow. "Anything to keep you two entertained, I suppose." While there was nothing technically wrong with his words, he had (accidentally, of course) made them sound a bit more seductive than he should have. Shepard cocked an eyebrow and gave him a half smile, but otherwise didn't acknowledge the inappropriate tone of his words._

_Shepard walked to the fridge (it wasn't his fault that he watched her every step) and began pulling out some food. "You're doing a good job, keep up the good work." She glanced out of the fridge and asked, "You two want anything?" Ashley and Kaidan raised their own sandwiches and she disappeared back into the fridge._

_Ash leaned across the table and whispered, "How interesting do you find it that she's able to do an _exact_ replication of your face when we were in the middle of a pretty intense battle?"_

_It took all of his effort not to curse Ashley for making his face a horrid shade of crimson. Thankfully (or maybe not), Shepard chose that moment to join them at the table- sitting a little closer to Kaidan than was necessary- with a sandwich of her own and a cup of hot chocolate. It was in that moment that he was able to truly tell what he had smelled all those times on the battlefield and on board when she made her daily rounds._

_Vanilla and mint._

_"Well, I need to get back to checking on everyone's guns. The Tur-" she glanced fleetingly at Shepard and said, "_Garrus_ said he thought his trigger was sticking."_

_After Ash had made her retreat, Shepard looked over at him and gave him another half-smile. "I would love to play poker with her."_

_"Why is that?" he asked, practically yanking his eyes from her mouth._

_She leaned into him with a glimmer of a dare across her face and whispered, "Because her poker face is horrible."_

_It wasn't a particularly feminine scent, but neither was it masculine. It could be described in no other way than delightful to him. It was at that point that he decided that he would always associate her with the scent._

_Not overly feminine, nor overly masculine. _

_Something of an anomaly. _

_How better to describe the woman he was falling in love with?_

_Kaidan swallowed hard as he contemplated her dare and then looked serious- but a hint of a smile played on his face. "Yours isn't always as great as you like to think."_

_Shepard raised her cup with a real smile- something that was rare-, and nodded, "Point for Alenko," and took a drink._

* * *

"Kaidan," a voice (which seemed overly shrill after remembering the warm alto of another's voice) greeted him and checked on of the screens by his bed. "It's good to see you awake."

"How long was I out?" He almost smiled. The last time those words had been murmured in his presence was by a certain commander that wouldn't leave his thoughts.

"A couple of days, actually," Adria informed him, scrolling down her datapad. "You missed a visitor- she came in about an hour after you were brought in. She was really worried."

It hadn't been a dream. She had come to see him.

"Commander Lia." His hopes crashed down..._hard_. "Said you guys served together a few years back."

Before the original Normandy, he hadn't ever really bothered to learn the names of the crew of the ships he served on. He only really bothered with the CO and the XO (and the pilot if he was on a ship for an extended amount of time or if he was flying co-pilot). But, even so, after a few months or a year, the names of those he _had_ bothered to learn faded away. Until the Normandy. "She happen to mention a ship name?"

"Nope." She looked at him with a small smile. "She looked really worried though- _acted_ really worried too. She even had an information broker check out my credentials."

Well _that_ sounded like Shepard. Of course, she wouldn't use an information broker, she'd use Liara.

As it was, Kaidan was losing interest in the topic. "Anything else, Adria?"

"Just that Doctor Michel will be in in a few to check on you."

Another reminder of the SR-1- of Shepard. He and Ash had helped Shepard save the doctor in order to get Garrus' support. Of course, that had been after Chora's Den...after wanting to punch Harkin's teeth out for leering at Shepard as though she were nothing more than a stripper...after being too forward while viewing the Citadel from the observation point. It..._they_ had already begun the long dance that ended in their romance.

Hearing a door open, he looked up to see Doctor Michel (he obviously hadn't noticed Adria leaving). "Hey, Doc, glad to see you're still doing well," he greeted her with a grimace as she began touching his very sensitive- very bruised- face.

"Commander Shepard said the same thing when she came to visit you," she noted off-handedly as she made a note on her datapad.

With that, his crashed hopes began to quiver with renewed life. She _had_ visited him. The smell hadn't been a complete delusion.

"Mmm," was all Kaidan could think to say.

After finishing her assessment, she glanced towards the door. "She gave me something for you," she whispered, picking up his (thankfully) unbroken omni-tool and transferred a file from her own.

Kaidan opened the file and groaned. It was encrypted- _heavily_. It would take him days to decrypt it- possibly longer. He found himself impressed- perhaps a bit skeptical- that _Shepard_ had been able to do such a good job- she was just a soldier, barely efficient with tech…and that was him being generous about her skills. "At least I'll have something to keep me busy."

As Kaidan set to work, Doctor Michel began to leave. She stopped suddenly and turned around. "Oh, one other thing, Major Alenko."

"Hmm?" he asked, only paying half-attention to the doc.

"She told me to tell you _Code Ash_," she informed him before walking out of the room.

Code Ash was something they had used as an encryption code after Virmire. It was something between just the two of them. Only Shepard- the _real _Shepard- would have known about that. He realized that he had been wrong all that time- she wasn't a clone or an AI.

She was real.

Inputting the code configuration into his omni-tool, he began to read the newly decrypted file.

* * *

**_Day One: Project Lazarus_**

**_..._**

* * *

**_A/N:_****_ Feel free to comment, favorite, or follow (or all three!) :D_**


	8. Chapter Eight- Revelations & Comparisons

**_Author's Note:_** **_This started out very differently than it turned out. I'm still not sure if that's good or bad._**

**_I don't own Mass Effect; I'm just playing with Bioware's pretty toys._**

* * *

Kaidan sat up in his bed and read the files. He would have tossed everything in his stomach after seeing the pictures that accompanied the first entry (of course, it took a while before they actually got _any_ better, but the first ones had been a shock), but he hadn't eaten anything recently. All he could do was read the log in stunned silence- nausea was a side-effect.

The pictures had been bad- beyond anything he could have ever imagined-, but the way that the logs read was just as bad. The person in charge wrote as though it wasn't a person- wasn't _Shepard_- lying on the slab. The person she was operating on might as well have been a surgery dummy.

Reading and seeing what had happened to Shepard was hard. At first, he was angry with her. How dare she give him something like this- how could she be so sick? Then, after a while (about the time the logs started reading **_six months since acquisition of Shepard_**), he understood. He had questioned if she had been dead or not- as though it was her idea to jump into bed with Cerberus. This proved that she hadn't gone willingly (or _knowingly_, for that matter) to them.

He wondered if she had even read the files.

He hoped not.

Her skin had been charred, as were her internal organs. There had been parts of her skin that remained intact, but not enough (_Then_ _again_, he thought,_ anything_ _short_ _of_ completely _intact_ _wasn_'_t_ _enough_.). One of the sections of her original self that remained was a small section behind her right ear. The picture showed that the small tattoo was there. He wondered if it had survived the complete reconstruction.

There was a memory related to the discovery of that tattoo, but he was afraid to focus too hard on it. That had been a very intimate moment between them- the first and one of the few. He pushed back the memory as hard as he could. He wasn't ready to revisit that particular one yet.

Maybe later.

"Major," a voice had him yanking his face away from his omni-tool. "If that's what is keeping your heart rate elevated, perhaps you should put it up for a while."

Kaidan looked up at her with haunted eyes before giving a shaky smile. "You're probably right."

Doctor Michel picked up a remote and turned on the news. "Well, this isn't much better, but it should still keep your heart-rate down a little."

"Yeah, you're probably-"

**_"-true that Commander Shepard is here?" a news caster asked a Turian._**

**_"Sure is. Her, another human, and an Asari unloaded from a shuttle like they were going to stop the entire war right here," he explained. "But, Commander Shepard looked like she could do it alone- and, Spirits, let me tell you, I believe it."_**

**_"What do you mean by that, General?"_**

**_The Turian looked straight into the camera with an expression that was equal parts awe and disbelief. "She ran out of heat sinks at one point. Any other soldier would have stayed behind cover or hunted for back up clips, but she didn't. She jumped _out** **_of cover, bounded over fallen enemies, and shoved her omni-blade through one of the Reaper drones- what we all call a Cannibal."_**

**_"You sound impressed."_**

**_"And rightfully so. She dances with danger and comes out in the lead. It's truly something to witness."_**

**_The camera panned back to the caster. "Well, there you have it, folks. Commander Shepard is out risking her life to give us another day. Until next time, this is Hayden Forbes with ANN."_**

Kaidan and the doctor hadn't been able to take their eyes off the pictures on the screen. "Doc, you have to get me out of this bed," he said, sounding strangled.

Doctor Michel turned to him with wide eyes and nodded in understanding. "I can only do so much, Major. The body is a delicate-"

His jaw snapped shut as the vid continued to show the fallen bodies on Menae- both Reaper drones and Turians alike. "Get me functional enough to hold a damn gun and use my biotics. Beyond that, I don't care."

"Temper, temper," a delicate, soprano voice scolded playfully as the owner walked into the room. "You can't just_ tell_ your brain and body that you have a duty and to get better. Time is one of the medicines you have to suffer through, Kaidan."

It took every iota of control he had not to lash out biotically at her. Instead, he clenched his jaw tightly and took a deep breath before he trusted himself enough to speak. "I don't have _time_, Adria," he said as evenly as he could, though he could still hear the undercurrent of anger. "We are in a state of galactic_ war_. I have a duty- to the Alliance, to the Galaxy, and to Shep...and to Earth. I need out of this bed."

Adria studied him in surprise before looking up at the images _still_ being shown. "Is that where she is- your Commander?"

Kaidan struggled to take deep breaths- again fighting the urge to lash out (he could _hear_ the jealousy in her voice). "Let that go, Adria. It has nothing to do with Shepard and everything to do with my_ duty_."

Maybe if he said it enough times out loud, it would be true.

As it was, neither doctors looked convinced.

Adria busied herself with looking over his charts as Doctor Michel hurried out of the room. "In my opinion, you should move past her. And, if you won't be with me, you should, at least, consider Commander Lia."

"I don't even know who that is, Adria," he said tiredly, looking for the remote so he could turn off the continual coverage of Menae and, apparently, _his_ Commander.

He only wished.

Adria looked at him thoughtfully. "She looked familiar- probably been on a news vid or something. She's probably about my height, tan skin-"

"Adria!" Kaidan snapped. He took another deep breath. He had always (well, after BAaT, anyway) prided himself on being calm and...even-tempered, but he found himself wishing- more and more, honestly- that he could go on a bender and lash out.

What he wouldn't give to be a Krogan.

He lowered his voice to a more acceptable range and managed a some-what apologetic smile. "Sorry." He took her hands in his own and managed not (okay, not really) to compare them to Shepard's. "This has nothing to do with Commander Shepard _or_ you- or_ any_ woman for that matter-, Adria. I cannot be stuck here while there is a war going on. I need to get on my feet and out on the front lines- whether that's with Commander Shepard or not, it's where I need to be."

He ran his thumb over-top her hands and sighed. Adria had the hands of a civilian- clean and soft with perfectly manicured fingers. She probably put lotion on before_ and_ after her shift- not to mention as soon as she got up and before she went to bed.

Shepard, though, her hands were different- and god how he loved them for that. They didn't seem so damn breakable and perfect- he had never worried about getting any gunpowder that he hadn't gotten quite off on his hands. Actually,_ she_ was more likely to share the residue. She lived the life of a marine and never tried to act like she didn't.

* * *

_Shepard sat at the desk in her quarters, scanning the reports about the colonies that had gone dark. Everyone aboard the Normandy knew damn well that it wasn't the Geth, but they were still trying to make up for stealing the Normandy, so they went where the Brass sent them._

_Kaidan stood in the doorway for a good five minutes, just watching her. She hadn't brushed her hair after her shower, so it was drying into red spikes. Kaidan loved her for her no-fuss beauty. She rarely put on make-up unless they were going to the Citadel or getting a scheduled vidcon with the Brass (usually Hackett)._

_"You've read those things at least twenty times, Shep," he pointed out dryly, walking fully into the room._

_She had jumped at the sound of his voice, before looking up and him and chuckling. "Well, I've worked out, cleaned all my guns- three times-, showered, and this was all that was left."_

_"_Three _times?" Kaidan laughed, taking one of her hands in his and pulling her into an embrace._

_She raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "Every time I finished, I was unimpressed with my work." She wiggled a little against him. "And you know what they say, third time's the charm."_

_Kaidan chuckled and wrapped his free arm around her waist, leaving her to rest her other hand on his cheek. "Hey, the first time can be amazing too." She kissed him lightly on the lips before taking a step back._

_Her snicker alerted him to the fact that something was wrong._

_"Shepard," he drawled out her name in a warning- as though he was _really _going to do anything._

_Biting her top lip to keep a full smile from appearing, she shook her head. "Nothing, Kaidan, I _promise_!"_

_Still, her snickering and smiles didn't help._

_He knew that she could have done something to him and kept a complete straight face and lied to him. He wasn't stupid or unobservant- he had watched her do it plenty of times on missions to others. No, this was a side of her that not many had ever seen._

_This was her being playful._

_Sighing, Kaidan walked into her private head and stared dumbly into the mirror. She had smeared some kind of oil (and he was guessing oil from the Mako) down the right-hand side of his face. He walked out and raised an eyebrow._

_"Mako?"_

_She fought hard against the smile, but lost. She nodded._

_Kaidan stood in the doorway to the head for a minute, his face expressionless. He wanted to see her sweat a little. As her expression changed to uncertain, he walked slowly towards her- keeping his expression trained. "You think this is_ funny_, Commander?" he demanded, keeping all traces of humor out of his voice._

_She looked up at him, eyes wide and uncertain, the beginnings of an apology on her lips._

_He took her shoulders in his hands and stared at her. Her lips slowly closed as she tried to figure out how to remedy the situation. He leaned down until his lips were near her ear and whispered, "Because I do," before wiping his cheek down hers._

_Laughing, Shepard hugged him before taking her hand and wiping it across his forehead- which left him no other choice than to take control (okay, she probably_ let _him- for someone smaller than him, she packed a hell of a punch and a strength to out-match most marines) of her hand and wipe it down the center of her own face._

_Of course, the entire "battle" ended with them both in the shower together, and, eventually in bed._

* * *

Releasing Adria's hands, he ran his own through his hair and sighed again. "I don't care what you need to do; I need to be on my feet."

Adria gave him a sad look. "We can only do so much, Kaidan- the rest is up to time," she said as she left the room.

Opening his omni-tool again, he hesitated before continuing reading about the Lazarus Project (it was easier than thinking, _The Reconstruction of my former lover, Commander Shepard_). Instead, he pulled open his messages and entered her address into a blank email.

**_Shepard,_**

**_..._**

* * *

**_A/N: I was really planning on going back to Shepard, but, apparently, Kaidan had a little more to say. It really did start out as Shepard, but, by the time she launched herself out of cover to omni-blade a Cannibal, all I could think of was Kaidan's reaction. I will be going back to Shepard in the next chapter._**

**_That little flashback was kind of spur of the moment, too. Just a playful side of Shepard (she can't be stoic and all-business all the time)._**

**_Comments and criticisms are always welcome!_**


	9. Chapter Nine: Another Visit

**_Author's Note:_****_ This is my day-before-Christmas Special. There will be another chapter tomorrow, as well as on the normal update day (on Friday). Enjoy. _**

* * *

_Shepard rubbed her temples as she waited for the shuttle to touch down. Every time she drank excessively, she always forgot that the day after always sucks...until the day after finally arrived. She would tell herself that she wouldn't drink so much again, up until she did._

_Who in the hell could face the Council without being, at least a little, drunk?_

_And, well, the second round of drinks had been for...for no other purpose than to soothe her ego. Okay, that was a lie. Anyway, she didn't want to think too hard about the second reason. _

_As it was, she was hungover and waiting for the shuttle to set down on Menae. James and Liara remained, thankfully silent. She wished that she could give one of her grand speeches, but her mouth couldn't form the words._

_...especially after the nightmare she had had on the way to Menae._

_With a jolt, the shuttle touched down. Shepard clenched her jaw and ordered everyone out of the shuttle. Enemies were in scope, and her hangover was just going to have to sit on the sidelines. _

_"James, focus on the marauders. Liara, you have the cannibals," she ordered as she switched to armor piercing rounds._

_They fought good together. The only thing they were missing was someone with a tech skill. Her first thoughts jumped to Kaidan, but she quickly buried that thought as she used her omni-blade in the face of a cannibal. Garrus was just as skilled as Kaidan- and Tali was better. _

_"Have you lost your mind, Shepard?!" Liara sputtered after the last enemy fell. _

_"Liara?" she questioned as she led the way to the Turian's f.o.b._

_"Sauntering up to one of those Reaper drones-"_

_"The Collector's were drones, these are more like cannon fodder."_

_Liara ignored her. "-like you have something to prove. It would have been just as easy to take it out from behind cover!"_

_"And a waste of ammo." She informed the gatekeeper who she was and continued as she led them in. "It wasn't like I was in any danger, Liara. Breathe."_

Thankfully, the rest of the mission had gone pretty good- and they got Garrus (_well, at least I have someone to drink with now,_ she thought). Of course, she did give James and Garrus heart attacks when she threw down her Mattock (_damn thing never has enough fire before the heat sink pops_) and ran up to a Brute and proceeded to shove her omni-blade trough it's face, just as she did the Cannibal.

But, it was all good- they all made it back to the Normandy in time.

Of course, when she made it back to the Normandy, she was advised to head to the AI Core. Sighing, and still in full armor, she did as she was advised, nodding at Chakawas as she walked by. She'd have to make sure she stopped to talk to the good doc on the way up to he CIC- her arm kinda burned thanks to Reaper cannon fodder.

"EDI?" Shepard called out as she opened the door. A shadowed movement behind the smoke had her pistol in her hand and her movements more cautious. "Talk to me EDI."

From the smoke walked the body of Doctor Eva, Shepard gritted her teeth and fired. "Shepard," the body said, sounding very much like...EDI.

"EDI, what the hell's going on?"

As EDI explained the situation, Shepard lowered her gun and rubbed her temples tiredly. Finally, she just decided to sigh (what else could she possibly do, anyway?).

"You can...you can go up to the Helm with Joker- fly...fly co-pilot."

Shepard kinda wished that she had taken the head off that damn body after they brought in on the Normandy (_and how many times are they going to put an AI body in the damn AI Core? Seriously?_).

"I think Jeff will approve of the new body, I'll go see," EDI said as she exited the AI Core.

With a sigh, Shepard completely ignored the doctor and took the elevator up to her cabin. As she entered the room, she shed pieces of armor on the floor and stopped midway as she saw the light on her terminal flashing. Sitting down, she scanned the reports and responded to the few that demanded it. Then, she saw the message from Kaidan.

She read it three times before comming down to Joker. "How d'you like your new co-pilot?" she asked in way of greeting.

"Second best view in the Helm."

"D'you know anything about what she was trying to do?"

"Are you kidding? As if I could have kept quiet if I new she was going to put herself in a hot robot body." He paused and, with a happy sigh, "I'd've baked a cake."

With a chuckle, Shepard continued shedding her armor. "Get us to the Citadel, Joker."

There was a pause as he (most likely) entered the co-ordinates. "ETA in eight hours."

Frowning, Shepard asked, "Why the delay?"

"Relays leading to the Citadel are packed with refugees. The line is outrageous."

"Okay. Make it happen, Joker."

Shepard finished removing her armor and headed for the shower. She'd go see Chakawas afterwards

She had triple checked the hours that Adria worked to make sure that she wouldn't be at Huerta when Shepard went to visit Kaidan. Never before had she been so jealous of a damn civilian.

"Kaidan," she said in way of greeting as she walked into his room.

The smile that lit up his face made her think of a child who just got the exact gift he had been hoping for. "Shepard, hey. You just missed snack time- then again, that's probably a good thing."

Shepard sat down in the chair beside his bed- her muscles tense as if preparing for a hit or battle. "How're you doing?"

"You can't see it, but I'm held to this bed with political red tape. It's a nightmare." His face, chest, and arms were all still bruised, so she was pretty sure that it was more than politics that kept him in the bed. "Plus the doc said that my implant got a little rattled."

She winced a little- both from the memory of _why_ the implant got rattled and the mention of a _doc_- and asked, "Rattled?"

He laughed and Shepard felt herself relax a little as she basked in the sound. Kaidan had never laughed much aboard the SR-1, either. "She used a bunch of fancy, medical terms, but that's what I got from it- _rattled_."

"You were lucky."

Kaidan accepted that silently then smiled over at her. "Doc says that you came by while I was out?"

That one would have been Doc Michel. "Yeah. I was worried," she said simply, looking away.

They sat in a long moment of silence. Finally, Kaidan said, "I want to apologize...about Mars."

"Oh?" Her _Commander Face_ came down.

"It wasn't like I was honestly convinced that you were with Cerberus..." He waited until she looked him in the eye before he continued. "I was more convinced that you were pissed about everything that happened _last_ time, so I wanted to be pissed too."

"Last time?" She maintained her cool, precessional attitude.

"Horizon," he choked out. "I was wrong and I wish I'd've joined you."

"I'm glad you didn't," she states matter-of-factly. When hurt filled his expression, she continued, "You were right. You are an Alliance Marine- always will be. I was wrong to ask you to give up on that just to follow me through hell and back."

"You never stopped being an Alliance Marine," he pointed out.

Shepard acknowledged that with a silent nod. Finally, she asked, "Do you think we can get beyond that...beyond Horizon?"

_Romantically? As friends? As a team? Anything?_

"I don't know," he admitted. "I hope so, but I don't know. Just know that I'm not seeing anyone-"

"Kaidan-" she interrupted softly.

"No, you need to hear this. We'll just have to keep talking. Time and words are what's going to fix Horizon."

Shepard leaned forward and, hesitantly, took his hand in hers (marveling silently at the size difference). "That mean the docs," she tensed at the words, causing Kaidan to frown in confusion at her, "are sure you're going to live?"

"The prognosis is pretty good," he laughed, squeezing her hand.

"Good, because, let me tell you, death isn't very fun," she chuckled before she thought about her words. They both tensed, discreetly watching the other for a reaction.

"Then, I guess it's a good thing we're both alive," Kaidan said after a tense moment. "One day you'll have to tell me..." His eyes scanned her face, obviously looking for the telling scars that had glowed red for a few months before she finally had Chakawas fix that little problem.

Still, Shepard tensed, hating that she hadn't lived. Maybe things would have been different. "Promise," she murmured, squeezing his hand and pulling away.

"Hey, hey, where're you going."

"I've been summoned by our _all-mighty_ Councilor," she chuckled.

"Speaking of him, I've been offered a place in the Spectre's."

"Really? What d'you say?"

"I'd have to think about it."

She smiled gently as she stood up. "You should accept it, you're a hell of a soldier." She nodded her head once as she thought about it. "Major Kaidan Alenko, Spectre."

Kaidan laughed. "Only the second human Spectre in the Galaxy. The problem is," he whispered in a jokingly conspiratorial way, "the first one is an even better soldier than I could ever hope to be. Pretty good looking, but hard as nails."

Playing along, she said, "I bet she's a real bitch."

"Nah. She can be a real hardass though."

Laughing, Shepard began her move to the door. "Get better, _Spectre_ Alenko."

As she left, Kaidan found himself remembering the horror of crashing on Alchera. Her mention of her death had brought it forth and he couldn't keep it away.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**__** For some Christmas Shenko love, check out my on-going story "A Christmas Promise" here on . I'll be working on that, as well, until tomorrow or the day after Christmas. **_

_**Happy Holidays!**_


	10. Chapter Ten: Merry Christmas

_**Author's Note:**__** Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's! Enjoy!**_

_**Azucuache, you asked for it! :)**_

* * *

_There was only one pod that had yet to be opened. He knew that, inside, he would find Shepard and Joker (most likely Shepard using her limited field medic skills to try to patch up the broken bones that Joker had undoubtably obtained entering atmo). _

_She would look at him with her blue eyes that seemed to tell the story of her soul and smirk at him. Raising an eyebrow, she'd say, "Hey, Lieutenant, want to help me out here?" and, of course, he would. _

_Eventually, after Joker was taken care of and she had the crew doing various duties, she would come up with an excuse to get them a private moment, and she'd kiss him with more passion than was truly acceptable in their situation (after all, they had just been attacked by an unknown enemy and their...okay, _her_ ship destroyed). But, it was Shepard and she never did things halfway. _

_She could go from no nonsense business to sexy, passionate...temptress._

_And, god, how he loved her for that. _

_Then again, they had almost died, so maybe it was actually acceptable and called for (the rules against fraternization aside). _

_He opened the escape pod as quickly as he could, expecting to see her head pop out. He stumbled back when all he saw was Joker, sobbing and holding his ribs. _

_After a few minutes of staring uncomprehendingly into the shuttle, he asked, in a tight voice that betrayed the fact that his temper and fear was barely contained, "Where is she?"_

_Joker didn't look at him and with shaky hands, wiped his eyes. "Kaidan...I'm sorry."_

_Kaidan didn't say anything as he watched Joker struggle to unfasten his harness and struggle to his feet (a part of Kaidan's mind registered that Joker's arm appeared to be broken, but he didn't act on it). It wasn't until Joker stepped outside of the pod did Kaidan find himself breaking down. _

_"Where is she?" he demanded again, his voice low and on edge. He didn't want to alarm the other crew members. _

_"She didn't...it all happened so fast...I'm sorry..." Joker stammered, all evidence of joking- both tasteful and not so much- was gone. That was about the point that Kaidan began to grasp what had happened. _

_"Maybe she made it to another escape pod," he said frantically- grasping at straws. _

_There was no way that she was gone- not after all the promises they had made...not after that long night and lazy morning they had just had. _

_"She...they came around for another attack...she got caught in the explosion." Joker looked at him with haunted eyes that spoke more than any words he could say. "The last thing I saw her do was hit the pod expulsion button."_

_She was gone._

_There was a part of Kaidan- a really big part- that wanted to let loose a biotic blast that would probably break every bone in a normal person's body- it would probably make Joker's brittle bones into dust. He fought against the urge to punch Joker or to ream his ass until the Alliance reinforcements arrived and they were returned to HQ for a debrief. _

_Instead, Kaidan took a higher road (just not the highest, since he didn't offer any help to Joker) and turned around to face the crew._

_"Well, we all know that the Normandy was destroyed in an attack by an unknown enemy. Commander Shep-" he choked on a forming sob and shook his head to fight against it. "The Commander was killed while escorting fellow crewmen to escape pods." Looking around, he saw people crying- many of which hadn't been until he gave them the news of Shepard- and others in shock. "She managed to deploy a beacon before she was...before she was killed." Chakawas __walked over to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. _

_They hadn't been stupid, both Kaidan and Shepard knew that the crew knew about them- scuttlebutt on a ship the size of the Normandy ran wild. Hell, the crew knew that Kaidan had a thing for Shepard before she truly did. But, they never showed any affection in front of the crew for a simple reason. _

_Plausible deniability. _

_The crew could honestly say they had never seen anything that would imply breaking the rules of fraternization. It didn't matter that they all knew that Kaidan wasn't going to the Commander's cabin to discuss battle tactics and that they weren't tired because of lack of sleep due to stress. _

_No, they were safe against a Court Marshall (for not reporting the break in the rules) because they had never, truly seen anything. _

_Taking a deep breath, he looked at the remaining crew and wished that he had _her_ ability to calm and motivate her people. But, he wasn't her, he was just Lieutenant Alenko, acting Commanding Officer._

_"Drew, Richards, and Franks, I need you to gather all possible food and water from the pods and surrounding area. Lee, Michaels, and Reed..."_

_And so it went until everyone either had a duty or was being attended by Chakawas. _

_Still, though, he couldn't break down. _

_..._

_They heard the ship enter atmo, but none of the crew cheered. Instead, they armed themselves and waited, clearly on edge. When Kaidan saw the Alliance emblem on the side of the ship, he called for them all to lower their weapons. _

_Hackett and Anderson both stepped from the ship onto the surface and Kaidan saw them searching for her. Kaidan stepped forward and snapped a salute- and he felt as though his ability to remain looking calm was about to crack. _

_Anderson stepped forward after he and Hackett snapped a returned salute. "Lieutenant Alenko, where's the Commander?"_

_How many times could Kaidan possibly be expected to answer that question?_

_The first had been on the Citadel, after the Normandy had blown Sovereign to hell. That had been a long, miserable wait. He had been trapped in a small space with Garrus before Anderson and some other marine had come to dig them out. He had spent those hours worrying about her- sure that she had died. _

_The rest of the times had been after all the pods but the last one had been opened. He had been more optimistic then._

_Feeling himself slouch, he choked out, "She was still aboard when they came back for another attack."_

_Hackett stepped forward and, in a low voice, asked, "Could she have made it to another pod?"_

_"Not according to...no." He closed his eyes. "According to...according to Flight Lieutenant Moreau, she most likely died in the resulting explosion."_

_"Joker?" Anderson asked, surprised._

_Kaidan took a deep breath and kept his eyes from the Admiral and Councilor. "My suggestion, once we are brought back to HQ, is grief counseling. I assure you that the debrief of every single member of the Normandy will offer no adequate answers. We were attacked by an unknown enemy with an unfamiliar ship."_

_Hackett nodded his head. "Then get your people aboard the Colorado, Lieutenant. A debrief will be aboard for all of the crew and counseling will be available as soon as we arrive at HQ."_

_Before he turned away, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Admiral, but they will never be _my_ people- they'll always be _her's_."_

_Walking back to the crew, he instructed them all aboard the Colorado- an older ship that was, undoubtably loud and spacious. He knew they would all hate it. But, they all filed on silently. _

_Well, almost all of them. _

_"Kaidan," Joker stopped in front of him, his eyes red and bloodshot. _

_He fought against the urge of hurting (and possibly killing) Joker. He hated him at the moment. _Joker_ was the reason that Shepard wasn't ground side, ordering her people aboard the ship. All Kaidan could think of was that she would be pissed if he hurt or killed Joker after everything she did to make sure that he lived._

_He wanted to hate her too._

_She should have lived for him. _

_Kaidan felt the tears threaten again. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath- both to try to force the tears away and to ignore the desire to strangle the man in front of him. "Joker, you need to walk away," he said through clenched teeth. _

_"I have one thing to say, man." Joker looked up from the ground. "I would have rather had me die than her. She should have lived."_

_Kaidan felt his hands tighten into fists as he tried not to cry and to keep his temper in check. "If you would have followed the damn _orders_, neither one of you would have had to die," he spat out. "And, you know what? Every single damn person on that ship would have given their lives for her and her life."_

_"You're right."_

_Kaidan yanked something out of his pocket and thrust it at Joker. When Kaidan had dropped it into Joker's hand, he said, "Every single time you start to feel less guilty about the life you caused to die, I want you to look at this and realize that you don't deserve to be free of guilt."_

_Kaidan turned on his heel and headed for the ship before Joker could open his hand and see the necklace with a key (made from some metal from the Normandy- taken when the engineers had to remove a section of a wall) and a ring on it. _

_That was the last time he spoke to Joker._

* * *

Laying in the bed after her visit, Kaidan wondered if Joker had kept the necklace and the ring. He hadn't been ready to give the ring to her- neither of them had been truly ready for that-, but he had seen it during one of their day long shore leaves on the Citadel and he had bought it for her.

It hadn't been anything over-the-top or super fancy- she wasn't that kind of woman. She worked hard, played harder and loved like she played with double the passion of anyone he had ever known. The ring had a silver band (he remembered that she had once said that she hated the yellow in gold- something about it being her least favorite color) with a diamond (her birth stone) in between two sapphires (her favorite stone).

Kaidan hoped that Joker had kept the necklace. If not for Kaidan, than for Shepard. Both of those items had been meant for her.

He would, at least, like to give her the key.

The key had nothing to do with anything major. She had told him of the key collection she had as a child (which was locked away in a safety deposit vault by that point) from earlier centuries (it wasn't as though they used keys anymore) and how, after her grandma gave her her first key, she had been fascinated with them. The older the key the better. Her favorites were the old skeleton keys. Kaidan did an extranet search and found a picture of an old key and saved it to his omni-tool.

A week or so later, Adams needed to cut a section of the wall away in the Normandy to upgrade a few wires and then they were going to put an access door over the hole instead of welding the plate back on. Kaidan decided that he'd take the section of metal and take it to a little place on the Citadel to have them make a key. He was certain that she'd like the combination of her two favorite things- the Normandy and keys.

Opening his omni-tool, he pinged Joker.

**KaidA: Hey.**

**JeffM: Hey. **

What could he expect? He had been an ass to him after Alchera- hadn't spoken a word to him since he had given him the necklace.

**KaidA: Sorry I was an ass on and after Alchera.**

**JeffM: I deserved it. You were right. **

**KaidA: Did you...did you keep that necklace?**

**JeffM: Yeah. I almost gave it to her. You know...before Horizon. **

**KaidA: Really?**

**JeffM: It was hers- or it was going to be. **

**KaidA: Why not after?**

**JeffM: You broke her, man.**

**KaidA: That bad? **

**JeffM: When she saw me for the first time after they...you know...brought her back, she asked about you. Then you reamed her ass on Horizon. Had you been anyone else, you would have been punched- possibly shot. **

**KaidA: I deserved it.**

**JeffM: I'll send Traynor over with the necklace and ring packaged up. **

**KaidA: Package the ring up and send it over and an empty datapad.**

**JeffM: ?**

**KaidA: I want you to lay the necklace on her desk with the datapad. It was supposed to be her Christmas present.**

**JeffM: And the ring?**

**KaidA: That was too- maybe a birthday present-, but we'd've had a few more months under our belts by that point.**

**JeffM: Package is away. **

**KaidA: Thanks. **

**JeffM: No problem**.

Kaidan tapped his knee while he thought about the right words to use for a gift that was a few years late.

* * *

Shepard walked to the elevator in the Normandy and waited impatiently for it (_if there was going to be an elevator that went to every deck in the ship_, she thought tiredly, _they should have made two_.). She stepped back as Joker limped out.

"Joker?"

His expression was one of a kid getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Shepard. Do you know how shitty it is that there're no bathrooms near the helm- let alone on this deck a all?" He paused and gave her one of his patented smirks. "No pun intended."

Shepard smiled at him and walked into the elevator. "That wasn't one of your best, keep working on it."

Joker gave her a mock salute as the door to the elevator closed and it headed up to her cabin. She knew that she needed to make her normal rounds around the ship and set a new destination, but she wanted to drop off a few of her belongings that she refused to let be delivered.

Walking into her cabin, she frowned at the package and datapad on her desk. She opened the package slowly, and stared at the key in shock. She then picked up the datapad and activated it.

_**To: Commander Shepard**_

_**From: Major Kaidan Alenko**_

_**Subject: Merry Christmas**_

_**Shepard,**_

_**I've never been the best with words, but I'm going to give it my best shot because this means something. **_

_**There was a little thing you once told me that night before Ilos and I knew that I had to do something with it. You told me how you loved keys, but hadn't had the time to look for any new ones (or would it be new old ones?).**_

_**This key is made from some metal from the SR-1 Normandy. I had it specially made after the Battle of the Citadel and it was supposed to be yours that Christmas. **_

_**I once used it as a grim reminder to someone once, but it deserves to be with you- like it was always intended. You can keep it or throw it away, but it's yours- in this life, the last, and the next.**_

_**I'm sorry. **_

_**For everything. **_

_**Yours,**_

_**K.A**_**.**


	11. Chapter Eleven: Apology

Shepard pressed a hand to her mouth due to...due to some kind of extreme emotion- she wasn't sure if it was from shock, awe, or love- as she read the message again before setting it aside. She ran her fingers over the smooth metal of the key and found herself wanting to cry for no explainable reason.

A Christmas gift from an old boyfriend (two years late) shouldn't have that kind of effect on her. She was certain that she shouldn't let her heart feel such strong emotions for a man that may, or may not, have moved on. There were too many variables for her to be reacting to such a small gift as such.

What was she supposed to do with it anyway? She couldn't wear it when she was out on missions and, since she was the go-to for everyone who needed help, there was times when she had to just jump into her armor and take off.

She wanted to throw it away...and she wanted to clutch it to her chest and sob like a dumb, ditzy woman in a cheesy vid.

Shepard closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before laying it in front of the holo of Kaidan on her desk. Her emotions were pulling her in different directions and that was the easiest way to not end up doing something she'd regret later.

... She wanted to hate him.

Understanding why he said the things he did on Horizon was one thing. She had been working with terrorists that she had gone out of her way on the SR-1 to mess up their operations. She appeared before him, alive and kicking ass, as though those two years had never happened...

And they hadn't for her...

Two years _hadn't_passed for her.

But, had he thought so little of her that she would have willingly gone to Cerberus? Could he have, maybe, _listened_ to her before yelling? He should have let _Garrus_ explain that she was really herself- not some damn Cerberus cyborg clone or whatever (she had a mild interest in Sci-Fi, but Kaidan's interest_way_out-did her own).

She chuckled at the thought of being a cyborg clone.

"Just call me a _T-X Shepard_," she informed the empty room, thinking of the old Terminator 3 vid from the twenty-first.

"Well, if you're talking about one of those super hot terminators, I'll start doing that," Joker informed her over the comm.

With wide eyes, she demanded, "Are you listening in again, Joker?"

She heard him scoff on the other end. "'s not my fault that you activated the comm before you started talking about being a sexy terminator."

She leaned forward and buried her face in her hands. There was a part of her that wanted to hate Joker, too. It would be perfectly understandable if she hated him. He was the reason that she had stayed aboard the Normandy and was killed. There were orders in place that limited casualties such as the one she had sustained. He should have evacuated.

But, could she honestly blame him?

Had he not stayed in the helm for that extra amount of time, they would have lost altitude and began burning up in atmo before even half of the crew made it to escape pods. So many more lives would have been lost had it not been for her stubborn pilot.

And he came back.

Oh, she wasn't delusional enough to believe that he came back for _her_- he came back because Cerberus let him fly. But, when she came back- walking, talking, and kicking Collector ass-, he believed in her. He knew that she was the _real_Commander Shepard. He didn't need a favor to prove that she was herself, he simply sat down at the helm and flew her to hell and brought her and the crew out on the other side.

While she did get pissed and hate him for awhile, she couldn't make it stick. But, damn, did she try for awhile.

He should have, at least, apologized.

"_You_!" she gasped, lifting her head up.

"Commander?"

"That's were you were at. You didn't go to the head down on the Crew Deck." She stood up, grabbed the necklace, and made her way to the elevator. "You came up to my cabin!"

She had stepped into the elevator, pushed the bottom for CIC, and was beginning he decent before he responded. "You don't understand."

Punching the wall in the elevator, she took a deep breath. "Well, then you better start explaining."

As Shepard stepped out of the elevator, Traynor took a step towards her, her mouth open to start a statement. Shepard raised her hand in a "_not_ _now_" gesture and stormed up to the helm.

"It's a long story," he finally answered, sounding nervous.

She opened the door to the helm and said, "Then you better start talking." She spared a glance at that damn robot body (_EDI_, she corrected herself, clenching her teeth at the sight of her). "See if Adams needs any help, EDI."

"I can assure you that all is well down on the Engineer-"

Shepard glared harshly at her and snapped,_"Get. Out."_

"Yes, Commander," she said instantly, leaving Joker alone with Shepard.

She stalked around and thrust the necklace at Joker, dropping it into his hands. He stared down at it with a strange expression. "You know, you're both a lot alike," he informed her, not looking up.

"What're you talking about?"

Joker ran his fingers over the key as he frowned. "On Alchera, after the Collector's blew up the original Normandy...we were being picked up by the Alliance..." He looked up at her with a pleading look. "I tried to apologize...but he told me I deserved the guilt- that I always needed to be reminded of it...so he gave me this necklace...just like you did."

_I once used it as a grim reminder to someone..._

"He shouldn't have blamed you," Shepard said in a softer tone, sitting down in the co-pilot chair, still facing Joker.

"Yes, he should have. He was right to. You should blame me too- you should blame me_more_! I _killed_you, Shepard. It was my fault you died while the rest of us lived." His hand clenched around the key and he looked to be fighting tears. "I'm sorry," he choked out, his eyes glued to the key as he opened his hand.

"Joker-"

"When he gave this to me...he said that, if I ever start feeling less guilty, I should look at this. I had no right to feel less guilty about costing you your life." Joker looked up at her with watery eyes and said, "He said that I don't deserve to be free of guilt, and he was right. Because, no matter what, you died and it was my fault."

She sat their silently with her mouth slightly open, unsure of what to say- but she knew that she should say _something_. "Joker-"

"And the worst part is that you act like it doesn't matter- like it doesn't even phase you that you were dead for _two_ _years_ because I am a stubborn _asshole_ _cripple_! If I would have followed protocol and orders, you'd've lived and probably be an Admiral by now and married to Alenko."

That last bit had her staring at him in confusion. She and Kaidan had never talked about marriage. They were both married to their careers and happy about it. She had been only twenty-nine when things had started getting serious, and he had been thirty-two. There had been plenty of time for them to get married and start a family if they wanted to.

Of course, their time had got cut short.

"I doubt it," she said dryly. "Plus, we weren't really following protocol either."

"_Bullshit_," he answered. "You were as far gone for him as he was you- you still are." He looked back down at the key. "I kept this because I deserved the guilt that he was sure I'd let go of...and because _I'm_the reason he lost you."

Shepard reached out and laid a hand on his arm and shook her head. "No, you're not. The _Reaper's_are the reason I died, Joker. You saved so many of the crew just by staying up there and keeping her in the air."

He shook her arm off and frowned. "You should be pissed at me!" he spat, the muscles in his arm tensing. "You should want to break every bone in my body, let them heal, and break them again just so I can suffer."

Shepard gave a humorless laugh. "I tried to hate you," she admitted, wiping at a tear in the corner of her eye. "I used all the excuses you gave me, but then I saw you on the stupid Cerberus Base. Out of everyone from the old days- besides Chakwas- you were there, ready to fly me on another crazy ass mission that we had no business surviving, let alone succeeding at. You didn't wonder if I was really me or not, you just accepted it- no questions asked."

He laughed. "You always seem to escape the impossible."

They sat in silence for a few minutes before she asked, "Why'd you give it to me after so long?"

Joker handed her back the necklace and took off his hat and scratched his head before replacing the hat. "He asked me to."

She absorbed that for a few seconds before standing and saying, "I don't know if Kaidan can ever forgive you, Joker, but I have. The question is, can you ever forgive yourself?" Shepard squeezed the key in her hand until it hurt before opening her hand up and looked down at it.

"I can start," he murmured.

She gently squeezed his shoulder as she left the helm, holding the key and chain to her chest like a lifeline.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_ _**It always bothered me (as well, since a few people have commented on this as well) that Joker never apologized for killing Shepard and she seemed alright with it. I mean, come on! So, I wrote this as a way to show that Joker has really been torn up about all of it- despite how he acts- and how, Shep even tried to hate him for a while. I kind of had to wrap it up because I was starting to feel a bit weepy. **_


	12. Chapter Twelve: Stress and Anger

**_Author's Note:_****_ This chapter might seem a bit off. I've been having migraines all week and this is the result of writing with a migraine. (After writing a little of it, I put it to the side for the night and wished that I was L2, just to make the migraines worthwhile.) So, still feel free to comment!_**

**_Bioware owns all- including my brain._**

* * *

Shepard stood before the mirror in her bathroom and massaged her temples. She was to play mediator to a meeting with the Salarian Dalatrass, Primarch Victus, and Wrex, yet she couldn't quite force herself into her dress blues…it would be the first time she would wear them since right after the Battle of the Citadel (_How pathetic is it that even _I _think of it in capital letters? _she thought disdainfully). Between the headache that was forming (she just _knew_ how the meeting was going to go) and the heartache that still lingered from Kaidan's gift (which was around her neck on the, slightly, thicker than normal silver chain), she was having a rough time.

She picked up the key that rested on her bare chest and closed her hand around it tightly. The metal still remained cool, despite it lingering against her skin for the previous hour. It was nothing more than a painful reminder of what she had lost….

…But she clung to it desperately, none the less.

"Commander, the Dalatrass _requests_ permission to board," Joker said over the comm.

"Permission granted," she sighed.

"You know, I don't think there're too many Salarian's like Mordin."

She rolled her eyes and let the necklace fall back against her skin. "We worked with Salarian's before Mordin, Joker," she pointed out dryly as she slipped her pants on.

"Maybe they were the weird ones," he offered.

"And the Valern- the Salarian Councilor?"

Joker fell silent for a few moments. "Guess I hadn't really thought about him."

"Did you pass along my confirmation, Joker?"

"Are you sure? I could always say that our translators are broke," he offered.

"Joker," she warned (it didn't come out nearly as disapprovingly as was called for, but she understood where he was coming from).

"Alright, alright."

As Shepard made to put her jacket on, Joker came back over the comm. "What about Wrex- can I tell him no?"

Shepard smiled as she buttoned her jacket up and made sure that the key was unseen. "Sure, if you _really_ want to deal with an angry Krogan."

Joker snorted into the comm. "I don't know, Commander, Wrex is pretty tame compared to Grunt."

"Don't tell him that or else you might find your skull cracked from a head butt. Plus," she added absently, slipping on her polished, black dress shoes, "Grunt was like a teenager- Wrex is a lot older."

"Alright," he grumbled. "Both confirmations have been forwarded and I have only one thing to say."

Shepard looked back into the mirror as she made sure everything was neat and in order. "Go ahead."

"You're either really brave, or really stupid."

She laughed. "You just summed up my whole career, Joker." She tucked the chain of her necklace further under her collar. "And my life, honestly." Squaring her shoulders in grim determination (she hated Politics), she made her way to the elevator.

Honestly, she was leaning heavily towards _really stupid._

* * *

"Okay, Kaidan, we're going to take this slow," Adria said in a voice that was reserved solely for patients- optimistic, yet a gently warning. "What with the trauma to your head, walking is going to be a process- you're not going to be able to just jump down on your feet and take off running. You're going to get really tired after doing very little- don't worry, though, this goes away with time."

Could he love her? Adria- so sweet and feminine…so innocent. She had never taken a life- maybe she lost a few patients, but she never purposefully killed them…never pulled the trigger of a gun. So bubbly and happy….

…So civilian.

Adria would never really understand what he did; she'd listen and maybe respond _almost_ correctly, but she wouldn't understand the stress and toll it took on him mentally, as well as physically (anymore than he could understand the stress her job gave her). She would bandage his wounds if he came home with some and she would work him through his migraines in a way that only a neurologist could. She would give him love freely and a family happily. He doubted that she would raise her voice very often- if at all.

She'd be the perfect wife.

"Kaidan," she interrupted his thoughts gently. "Are you ready?"

She wouldn't force him if he said no. She wouldn't make him push himself. Kaidan wasn't sure whether that was a flaw or not- though he was pretty sure that it was…at least for him.

"Yeah," he said from between his teeth.

His temper was flaring. He _should_ have been able to love her. She was beautiful and gently. Her favorite animal was Earth puppies and she always smelled like lavender- so _soothing_.

Problem was, when he looked into her gentle, green eyes, he really wanted to see the humored, challenging blue eyes of another.

Kaidan lowered himself to his feet and felt his knees buckle. The only thing that saved him from hitting the ground was his quick reaction- he caught the edge of his bed.

"We can stop anytime you want," she reminded him.

"No," he snapped, struggling to his feet. "I am thirty-five, I can stand on my own two feet, damn it."

Adria gave him a placating smile that irked his nerves. She wasn't going to push or challenge him. She was going to let him give up if he wanted to. "I'm just reminding you."

He looked at her levelly and shook his head. "I'm not stopping until I can stand on my own…today." Despite his haughty, tempered words, he felt exhaustion begin. She hadn't lied- not that he really expected that.

_"Then get to it, Major,"_ a ghost-voice of Shepard ordered him in his thoughts.

"Alright," he muttered, lowering himself to put weight on his feet again.

* * *

**_Another AN: _****_Now, that bit about Kaidan having trouble walking after his incident is from personal experience. I don't know if having problems with walking happens after _****every****_ major head injury, but I had trouble after my own, so I passed it along to Kaidan._**


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Expendable

**_Author's Note:_****_ There are quotes taken from Mass Effect 1 (words that all us Shenko fans probably have memorized, or, at least, be able to recognize)._**

**_Bioware own all._**

* * *

It took many hours before Kaidan was able to stand by himself, but, even still, he could only remain on his feet for five to ten minutes before his knees started shaking and he had to sit down for a few minutes. He managed to stand three times before Adria ended up making him quit- something about over-taxing his already battered body. He started to argue, but she gave him a glare that reminded him so much of Shepard that he grumbled a little, but did as she ordered.

He was angry that he had yet to take a step, but he was making slow progress. He just wished that everything would hurry the hell up so he could get back out on the front lines. Of course, he was also to receive Spectre status…if he accepted.

Shepard and Adria both thought that he should accept. It _was_ an amazing offer- to be made the second human Spectre was incredible. It was an honor to be one of the best that humanity had to offer- second only to Shepard (and, well, honestly, there wasn't a single person in the galaxy- criminals' aside- who would get too upset over that).

Still, he was expendable. Him getting stuck in the hospital while the war waged on only proved to drive the point home. The survival of the species in the current cycle didn't rely on _his_ survival or depend on his decisions.

That burden rested on Shepard.

Kaidan knew that she wouldn't complain- wouldn't even, truly, reveal her feeling about the whole mess to anyone. Had he had any common sense, she might have talked to him.

Who would be that _anyone_ had been resurrected, though?

He may be expendable, but Shepard wasn't. That was why Cerberus had spent so many creds bringing her back.

Kaidan flicked on his omni-tool and began reading another file on the Lazarus Project.

The title, alone, made him wince.

**_Mission Report/Project Lazarus Observation_**

**_Horizon_**

_Commander Shepard hit the ground running. Her ground team consisted of Garrus Vakarian (a.k.a. _Archangel_) and Kasumi Goto, but, truly, they just served to slow the Commander down. For this mission, Shepard was the more focused and determined than I had ever seen from her- and it's not like she's ever _not_ focused and determined._

_This mission proved that Shepard is an invaluable asset in the war against the Reapers._

_Losing more than half the colony was a big blow to her. After the GARDIAN battery sent the Collector ship away, she just stared at the sky where the ship had sat. From her body language and vital signs _(see attachments)_, she felt as though the mission was a failure- despite _saving_ the other half of the colony._

_It wasn't until Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko walked in front of her did her stance of defeat loosen- it was still present, but not nearly to the extent it was before Commander Alenko appeared._

_When she and Alenko embraced, it was the first time that Shepard allowed herself to relax. Even in the company of Helmsman Moreau, Doctor Chakwas, and Garrus Vakarian, she remains tense and braced._

_Not long after breaking apart, Commander Alenko began accusations against her. For the most part, she took every blow against her pride and loyalty- to both him and the Alliance._

_In those minutes, she wasn't Commander Shepard, hero and savior, she was nothing more than a heartbroken woman getting falsely accused- being call a liar._

_The most surprising thing that she did was ask him to join her Alenko stared at her for a long moment and I was positive that he would say yes- no one refuses when Shepard asks them to join- unless they're nothing more than civilian's holding a gun. But, he told her no- claiming his loyalty is always to the Alliance._

_And he walked away without a single glance back._

_I was almost certain that she would run after him and allow him to take her into Alliance custody- abandoning her mission against the Collector's- just to prove that she is the same soldier- same _woman_- that had commanded the Normandy SR-1. Instead, all she did was follow him with her eyes until he was out of sight. Her shoulders slumped in defeat again as she called for shuttle evac._

_My suggestions include having Yeoman Kelly Chambers have a talk with Shepard and double the listening devices in the helm, medbay, and forward battery (it is more likely that she will talk to Mr. Moreau, Dr. Chakwas, and/or Vakarian)._

_It's easy to forget that Shepard is human- not a robot or an AI Shepard- because of how closed in around herself she is. She listens and talks with her crew and squad, but, then again, EDI can do that as well._

_ It's the moments when she breaks into a huge smile and hugs a Turian when she figures out that Archangel is really Vakarian, or when someone she loves is on a colony that is being abducted and she fights like hell to save them. The moment when the man she loves takes her pride and stomps it into the ground as he questions her loyalty, integrity, and feelings…and she asks him to join her and, when he spits in her face over the offer, she crumbles- but continues standing strong for her crew and squad._

_Those are the moments when her humanity shines through the armor she wears around herself._

_(Please see attachments for more information about vital data.)_

Kaidan stared down at his omni-tool, feeling like an even huger ass than he did after the Alliance picked him up from Horizon and he had nothing but time to think about what he had said. Even then, he had Adria waiting for him.

But this report, written by the Cerberus Operative that brought Shepard back to him, hurt him more than his memories. Because, despite knowing Shepard, on an emotional level, better than anyone, he hadn't been able to see past the logo on her armor- he ever looked past her N7 stripe.

Words from long ago invaded his mind.

_"I think about losing you and I can't stand it. I mean, the galaxy will just keep going- even the Reapers will come again- but, you and I, we are important right now, and this is what will never happen again. Shepard, you make me feel…human," _Kaidan had murmured all those years ago.

He _had_ lost her- not in that fight, but a month afterwards-, the galaxy _did_ just keep on going, and the Reapers _did_ come around again. She came back too, though...and he had been _given the opportunity_ for them to happen again.

_"Kaidan, you make me feel like I could take on the universe- and, right now, I kinda have to,"_ she had told him.

He hadn't really believed her. It seemed like nothing more than a meaningless endearment. As though he, _Kaidan Alenko_, was supposed to believe that someone like _him _could give someone like _her_ that kind of strength.

But, to read how easily and horribly he had been able to hurt her with words spoken out of ignorance and fear…he realized how true her words had been. He was supposed to be her rock- her anchor-…and he had failed her.

Even with his hateful words between them and her heart fractured, she hadn't walled off her heart from him, and, on Mars, he had crushed it again. Once again, it wasn't until he was looking back the he saw the pain that he caused her. She hadn't even tried to hide it- at least not from him…not in that moment.

Oh, she was able to put her hurt aside after a moment of showing pain, but it was always there- from the way she walked to the way she fired her gun at the enemy.

_"Shepard," Liara said gently, touching her on the shoulder. "He's dead."_

_Shepard's Mattock ceased firing as she looked down at the Cerberus soldier, his chest flayed open. Her expression was lost- completely unlike anything he had ever seen from her-. But he recognized it because he had seen it for two years…every time he looked into a mirror._

Kaidan looked at the file still glowing on his omni-tool and winced. That Cerberus Operative knew (_knows_, he corrected himself) Shepard more than he did. She was able to see the pain that he had caused Shepard…he hadn't.

The thing…the _relationship_ between the two of them had happened so quickly…and ended too soon.

He closed the file quickly as the door to his room opened. Adria and Dr. Michel walked in, each looking grimly down at a couple of datapads.

"Kaidan," Dr. Michel murmured, looking up from her datapad.

He eyed her suspiciously. "Doctor."

"We've just got back the results of one of your tests," Adria explained, looking every inch a doctor. "It's not exactly good news."

"Major," Dr. Michel hesitated. "It's about your biotics."


	14. Chapter Fourteen: I'm No Savior

Shepard wished that her life was simpler.

Oh, she didn't say that to anyone or let it show, but it didn't change the fact that it was true. She wasn't quite sure where simple was supposed to start. Maybe Elysium should have been the most complicated thing she should have experienced- no completing her N training, no Normandy...

No, she couldn't wish that experience away- that would mean no Kaidan.

None the less, she couldn't believe she was getting ready to go feet down on Sur'kesh (with Wrex) and saving a fertile Krogan female (and she was pretty- internally- thrilled to see her first female Krogan). She was going to be the one to organize the Genophage cure.

"So what's the count, Shepard?" Wrex asked, pulling her from her thoughts.

"Of what?"

Wrex gave her a wide smile (personally, she thought it was disconcerting and almost frightening to see him grin). "Of what you're the savior of."

As Shepard groaned, Garrus chuckled, "Elysium, the Citadel, the Terminus system, the Normandy, and now she's working on the Krogan and Turians."

"So five," Liara added helpfully.

"I'm not the savior of anything, I-"

"You forgot Feros, Terra Nova, and that one district in Omega, so that's eight," Liara interrupted.

Shepard shook her head. "I was just doing my job- that just makes me an efficient marine, not a hero."

Wrex chuckled and gave her a hearty pat on the back (forcing the air from her lungs). "Now you're uniting the Krogan and Turian's."

Garrus flexed his mandibles in, what Shepard had long ago decided was, a smirk. "What're you going to do next, Shepard, unite the Quarian's and the Geth?"

Shepard threw a dirty look toward Garrus. "I resent that- Legion and Tali worked together reasonably well in the end."

Garrus chuckled and looked over to Liara. "What she hasn't told everyone is that she's trying to figure out how to broker peace with the Reaper's."

Relenting, she, too, chuckled. "That'd be nice, I can hear it now: _Commander Shepard, honored war hero and inter-galactic peacekeeper, ends war with the Reapers with words, not bullets_."

Joker chuckled over the comm. "Want me to tell Allers so she can begin prepping the story, Commander?"

With a look of horror that had Wrex, Liara, and Garrus laughing, she said, "Absolutely not. If you do that, I'll tell her about the cameras in her cabin that you like to watch."

There was a slight pause. "You wouldn't," he gasped.

"Oh, but I would," she answered gleefully.

"Hardass," he grumbled.

"Smartass," she responded with a smirk.

* * *

Shepard looked at the female Krogan behind the glass in contemplation. She found it extremely noble that she had been willing to sacrifice her own life so that, even if she died and never gave birth, the Krogan may eventually have children without the curse of the Genophage. The Krogan- no, the _woman_- before her was a true hero.

"You don't know me, Commander- why would you want to help me?" she asked, her voice deep, but still a higher pitch than a male Krogan's.

_Why?_

As she looked at the Krogan, she realized that it went deeper than uniting the Krogan and Turians, it was about her helping her people. "But I'd like to know you," Shepard admitted honestly. "Just let me help you."

* * *

As Shepard, Liara, and Garrus made their way through the facility, Garrus stopped them and turned to Shepard with a strange look on his face. "That female is a lot like you," he informed her.

Shepard shoved his against a near wall as a shower of bullets exploded from further down the hall. "Oh?" she asked as she switched to disruptor rounds in her Mattock.

"She's willing to sacrifice herself for her people- only difference is, you're willing to sacrifice yourself for everyone," he explained as he leaned out of cover to shoot a Guardian."

Sighing, she shook her head and worked on taking out an engineer (_Why hadn't Cerberus assigned one of the bastards to my team when I went against the Collectors? Those turrets are impressive_.). "She's a fighter," she acknowledged with a grunt as the turret caught her by surprise. "She's civilian, which makes her sacrifice and fights better than my own."

Garrus shook his head as they cleared out the Cerberus forces in front of them. "Why do you do that?" he asked in exasperation.

"Do what?" she asked as she went to bypass the controls for the final release of the female.

"Shepard!" Mordin shouted, pounding on the glass. "Behind you. Cerberus forces!"

As she and her squad turned around, a big ass mech (which her HUD named as an Atlas) shook the ground as it landed. They all stared at it for a second before diving into cover.

"Is it just me, or did we get screwed when we worked with them?" Garrus asked as he leaned out from cover with his rifle and began taking out the shields.

"Grenade!" Shepard warned as she chucked a grenade out from her cover. "Sure as hell seems like it," she admitted. The Atlas seemed to stumble and Shepard popped out of cover and began firing at it. It raised its arm and it seemed to begin powering out. Pursing her lips, she mumbled, "Shit," as she rolled from it's firing path as it fired. She felt her right shoulder catch a passing glance of the missile.

"Shepard!" Liara gasped.

"I'm fine," she snapped, slapping some medi-gel on her shoulder. "Focus on that damn mech, we're not losing this Krogan." It was a warning.

Gritting her teeth, she switched to incendiary ammo and began firing as quickly as she could, knowing to duck behind cover when it's arm began powering up. It took a while, but they finally killed the bastard steering the mech and all the other Cerberus minions that accompanied it.

Shepard and her squad went up to meet Wrex, Mordin, and the female. As both Mordin and Wrex held out their hands to her, she looked at them with disdain and stepped out of the pod without help.

"Are you okay? Did they hurt you?" Wrex worried, his voice taking on a tone that Shepard had never heard from him before.

"I'm fine, Wrex," she said, in exasperation.

"Are you-"

She grabbed his shotgun and killed to incoming Cerberus soldiers. After they were dead, she shoved the still smoking shotgun into Wrex's chest. "I can take care of myself," she informed him as she made her way to the shuttle.

Wrex watched her her progress to the shuttle and cleared his throat when he realized everyone was staring at him. "Women," he grumbled, following after her.

With a chuckle, she and her squad made their way to the shuttle as well. Shepard had a feeling that she was going to like the female Krogan.


	15. Chapter Fifteen: The Past

**_Author Note:_****_ So, while a few of you have said that you like the last chapter, I have to admit that it was a bit rushed in the end because this chapter was actually originally attached to the last one and the last one actually stopped after Joker and Shepard called each other various kinds of asses. But, since this is so long, I decided to make it it's own chapter. So, enjoy._**

* * *

Kaidan leaned heavily against the wall, looking out the window. He knew that he wasn't supposed to stand without either Adria or Dr. Michel in the room, but he didn't much care. The news from the other day still played in his mind.

_"This is Diana Allers from the Battle Space. Today, I am joined by the Alliance's very own Commander Shepard," the perky newscaster had introduced._

_The camera panned over to Shepard looking uncomfortable (Kaidan doubted that anyone watching would notice her discomfort, but he did). She plastered on a grin that was as fake as Allers' boobs. "It's nice to be here."_

_"So," Diana said, an intrigued look on her face, "What can you tell us about your latest mission?"_

_Shepard gave her an easy smile. "I'm sorry to say that a majority of the details is classified, but I'm willing to share what isn't."_

_"Go ahead," Allers prompted._

_The camera focused on Shepard, something that, under normal circumstances would never happen, and she appeared pensive (and Kaidan knew that she was going to choose her words carefully). "Well, my team and I rescued a Krogan female," she finally said. "She was being held in a classified location for treatment," Kaidan knew, just from the look in her eyes, that there was more to the story, "when Cerberus attacked the facility."_

_"Now, there were rumors that, last year, you worked for the pro-human terrorist group."_

_Shepard's nose twitched in agitation at Allers' chosen wording. "Once again, my mission last year is classified, but, rest assured, had I actually been working _for _Cerberus, I would not being wearing an Alliance uniform today."_

No, she hadn't worked _for_ Cerberus, the better word would be _with_, or possibly _used_, Cerberus.

"Major," a voice commanded as the door to his room opened. As Kaidan struggled to straighten himself and give a salute, the other man waved his hand dismissively. "At ease," he said as he made his way to the window.

"Admiral Hackett, sir," Kaidan greeted him, wondering why the Admiral was visiting him.

They both stared out the window silently for a few minutes silently.

"I lived on Arcturus for a while- after the First Contact War," Hackett said suddenly. "Most career men and women did- with their families if they had them, or alone if they didn't.

"I was on leave for about a month or so- this was back when I was a Captain, I think- and I remember walking the halls of Arcturus. Even three years after First Contact, it was all humans.

"There was this little six-year-old staring out an observation window. She stood ramrod straight, her hands behind her back, and her chin slightly raised." Hackett had a small smile on his lips.

"Sounds like a perfect parade rest," Kaidan noted, wondering why Hackett was telling him the story.

Hackett nodded. "There was a little girl standing there doing what takes cadet's _months_ to learn," he chuckled. "She looked thoughtful and, at the same time, decisive as she looked out at the stars- not in awe.

"'What're you thinking so hard about, marine?" I asked her jokingly.

"The little girl did an about face and threw up a salute that would make even the hardest drill instructor proud. 'Captain Hackett,' she said in greeting.

"I saluted her back as I said, 'At ease, soldier.' Had I not told her to stand at ease, she probably would have stood there at attention until she collapsed.

"She gave me a nod- really just a sharp bob of her head. 'I'm thinking about space,' she informed me as she turned back to look at the stars.

"'Anything specific?'

"'I'm going to join the Alliance," she informed me matter-of-factly with no uncertainty- sounding every inch the marine she wanted to become.

"I smiled, only half taking her serious- she was only six, after all. 'You're a little young.'

"She gave me a look that made me raise my eyebrows- it was a look that said, _Don't talk down to me, I'll kick your ass if you don't stop._" Hackett looked over at Kaidan and gave him a small smile. "Imagine getting a look like that from a six-year-old when you're twenty-six...and feeling pretty sure that it was a possibility."

Kaidan chuckled. "Sounds like someone you wouldn't want to cross when she got older."

Hackett gave a quick smirk. "'When I'm eighteen.' She looked up at me with large blue eyes that were caught between laughter and seriousness. 'Then I'm going to go through N training- just like Lieutenant Anderson.'"

"Some girls want to be princesses when they grow up, others want to be N7 operatives," Kaidan said dryly, thinking of Shepard.

"'Are you?' I asked, keeping my voice merely curious- she might've done something rash, otherwise.

"She nodded, her long red hair swaying with her. 'I am, then I'm going to reach N7 status.' When I asked why, she explained, 'Because N7s get the best, most hardest missions.' The way she said it, it was like I was the child, not her. 'Plus, I'm going to be in your fleet when I serve and you become Admiral.'

"'You wouldn't want to be in your dad's fleet?' Keep in mind that he and I were both Captains, neither of us lobbying for a promotion.

"'Nope, daddy'll need a break from bossing me around by then.' She smiled up at me, revealing a missing front tooth. 'You'll be Admiral Hackett and I'll be Commander Shepard.'

"I chuckled, but I didn't really believe her. Every time she does something amazing- like rescuing a female Krogan from a STG base on Sur'Kesh in order to cure the Genophage-, I think back to that conversation with that little girl."

Kaidan thought about it for a long moment before saying, "It doesn't sound like she's changed much."

Hackett shook his head. "Only difference is that, now, it's not only a possibility that she can kick someone's ass, it's pretty much a guarantee."

"How long have you known her, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I went to school with her father- Nathaniel's actually the reason why I enlisted at all." Hackett smiled- "I was in the room when Hannah had her- Nathaniel was on duty. They almost lost her, but she ended up coming into the galaxy raising hell."

"And she hasn't stopped," Kaidan snorted.

They stood silently, looking out the window. "I've made a career of protecting that little girl- hard as hell when she's N7 and is constantly putting her life in danger.

"I curbed a majority of the fall about sacrificing the human fleet at the Battle of the Citadel, tried to lessen the blow after her resurrection, the Alpha Relay incident...and the only thing I've truly been able to keep secret and protect her from is her breaking the rules against Fraternization."

Kaidan felt his eyes open wide and his mouth open a little- trying to figure out what to say. Finally, all he could manage was, "Sir?"

Hackett chuckled- that completely blew Kaidan's mind. "When you've known someone as long as I've known the Commander, you can tell little things like that." When Kaidan just continued to stare, Hackett nodded. "When I knew that Anderson had requested her, I placed you."

"Why?" Kaidan chocked out, finding it increasingly difficult to breathe.

"Various reasons. Mostly because you're a biotic- I don't believe she'd ever worked with one before."

"She hadn't," he said without even thinking.

Nodding, Hackett continued, "And she needed someone to lean on- someone she could relate to. I didn't assign you to the Normandy as an Admiral assigns a soldier- I assigned you as a concerned family member pushes someone at the younger family member."

"Does she..."

"No," Hackett assured him. "I did nothing more than give her the option- she still thinks that Anderson was behind your placement."

"You still haven't answered me- why me? Why then?"

Hackett fell silent, looking thoughtful. "Because you could understand her dedication to her career and you were just like her- unwilling to take easy shortcuts to avoid the hard decisions?

"Why then? Hannah and Nathaniel watched as their daughter hardened herself against everyone- save for her parents, Anderson, and me. Ever since Elysium, she focused on nothing more than the mission."

"Shore leave?" Kaidan inquired, fighting the urge to shuffle to his bed and collapse.

Hackett gave a harsh, humorless laugh. "Preparation for the next mission or, if she didn't know what her next mission was, she'd do research- on aliens and their culture, weapons and mods, or newly discovered planets.

"It wasn't until the Normandy that she began to connect with her crew- began to make friends and consider the crew as more than just crew."

"It wasn't just my doing, sir. It was all of us- it was mostly _her_. She was the glue- between cultures and species," Kaidan pointed out.

Hackett sighed tiredly. "She's pretty persuasive- almost with no effort.

"Have you ever noticed her ability to deflect a question about her past by twisting it so you talk about yourself and your past?"

"I-" Kaidan stopped. What did he really know about her- that _she_ had told him? She was a Navy brat, raised on ships, led the battle on Elysium- the details she gave him were sketchy at best. "I guess I never really thought about it. She manages to do it without anyone noticing."

Straightening his posture, Hackett looked over the bruised Major studiously. "You've hurt her before, Major. She doesn't know that I know, but her reports after Horizon and Mars are far more telling than anything she could say. You're lucky that you haven't been shot- not just by her, but by those loyal to her."

"I did receive a few threats," Kaidan admitted sheepishly.

Hackett made to leave, but stopped, his shoulders tense. "One last thing, Major." Kaidan straightened himself as Hackett slowly turned around. "You've already admitted that you've hurt her." Hackett stared hard at Kaidan. "You need to make a decision soon."

"Sir?"

"She'll never tell you to stay away- no matter how many times you spit on her honor and loyalty," Kaidan winced at Hackett's harsh words, "so you need to make a decision.

"If you don't think you can get past your distrust and your own confusion, then you need to walk away from her and stay away. I'll come up with a post for you if that's your decision. It'll hurt her, but not as much as you already have."

Again, Hackett's words left Kaidan's mouth gaping. "And if I decide otherwise?" Kaidan finally managed to ask.

Hackett gave Kaidan another hard stare. "Then don't hurt her again," he warned. "As I've said, I've known her since she was born. There is no way that she is- or ever was- loyal to Cerberus."

"You never doubted that she is who she says she is?"

"Of course," Hackett admitted, "but then I talked to her, read her mission reports that she filed and sent to me after _every_ mission- despite the patch on her uniform-, and I met her face-to-face." He shook his head. "She is still the same woman, Major."

Kaidan thought about that for a second. "You've given me a lot to think about, sir," he admitted. "It's just...I know so little about her- I don't even know her full name."

Hackett chuckled. "It's pretty ironic," he admitted as he gave a small smile. "Hope Ann Shepard."

Kaidan laughed. "It's no wonder she cringes when people say she's the hope of the galaxy."

Hackett nodded and looked down at him omni-tool. "Think about what I've said, Major. This is my only warning to you."

"Yes, sir," Kaidan said, giving him a salute. "I'll let you know what I decide."

Hackett gave him a sharp salute and left Kaidan- who stumbled to his bed and laid down. Sighing, he turned on the TV monitor and an image of an exhausted, bloody Shepard filled the screen. Soon, a teenager appeared on the screen in place of the picture of Shepard.

_"She saved us- her and her team."_

He stared expressionlessly at the screen, unconsciously massaging the area around his amp_._

_"Who saved you?" the newscaster gently promoted the teenager._

_"Commander Shepard," the girl explained, tears of relief flowing down her pale, freckled face. "She had a Turian and a big human guy with her." She wiped her eyes and stared straight into the camera. "I don't care what anyone says, she's a hero and she's definitely not with Cerberus."_

Kaidan swallowed hard. It seemed like it was one of those days that his past mistakes were going to haunt him.

_The camera panned back to the newscaster. "There you have it, folks. Commander Shepard is out here fighting to save as many as she can- whether it be from Reapers, Cerberus, or anyone else. Until next time, this is-"_

He snapped off the TV. Of course she was out there fighting the good fight- that's what she did. It didn't even matter if that fight made her look crazy or even seem like a traitor.

She had people like Joker, Chakwas, Garrus, and Tali who supported her no matter what.

Adria walked into the room with a bright, cheery smile. "That was Admiral Hackett, wasn't it?"

Kaidan nodded and sighed as Adria read his vitals. "Give it about a week and you'll be out of here," she informed him.

A part of him wanted to grab Adria by the arm and pull her to him and kiss her. He had to know- how else could he make a decision if not by using trial and error?

With a forced smile, he said, "That's a relief- I've had enough of the hospital to last me a lifetime."

Adria leaned forward and gave Kaidan a small kiss on the cheek.

Sometimes Kaidan hated his life.

* * *

**_Author's Note:_****_ This was almost not going to be put in, but, I just couldn't let it go. I just felt that Hackett and Shep might've known each other as she was growing up._**

**_Also, I almost wasn't going to give Shep a first name, but it spilled out._**

**_Feel free to tell me what you think- positive or negative!_**


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Goodbye?

Adria was leaned back against the wall next to Kaidan's room, her eyes scanning the hallway. It was common knowledge in the hospital that Commander Shepard came to the Huerta every time her and her ship docked on the Citadel. Rumor was that she saw Kaidan with every visit and, often times, visited with others while she was in the area.

Of course, Adria had yet to even _see_ the illusive Commander Shepard. Was it coincidence that Adria was always busy, at lunch, or on break when Shepard came to visit Kaidan?

As it was, Adria just wanted to _see _her. She had seen the few vids that were broadcasted after every one of her _heroic missions._ All Adria was really able to tell was that the Commander was rarely clean- usually covered in blood, guts or brains, and dirt.

_What kind of man could be attracted to someone like that?_

No, that was petty. Adria was sure that the other woman was interesting in her own right- a hard ass, no doubt (you could practically tell that from the way that she stood and the expression on her face)- and- _maybe_- attractive if you could get past all the dirt and grime down to her skin and hair. But, honestly, how could Kaidan find such a…_butch _woman so captivating?

Adria appreciated what the Commander was doing for the galaxy, but another part of her wished that she had stayed dead after the Normandy was blown up the first time.

"Doctor Moore?" her omni-tool blazed to life.

"Yes?"

"We need you prepped for surgery in five."

With a dejected sigh (_watch Commander Shepard come now_), she began her way to the surgery prep room. "On my way."

* * *

Shepard stood silently in the doorway and watched him. There had been so few times since she had known him that she was able to see him so relaxed- sleeping aside (and then he had always had her back pressed against him and embraced in his arms). He was on his feet and dressed- she found only the former to be positive, the latter…not so much. A part of her ached from the knowledge that, once she made her presence known, he would tense-

"You just going to stand there, or are you going to come in?" he asked, his warm, honey voice soothing away doubts she didn't realize were plaguing her.

She walked in and allowed the door to slide shut behind her. "How'd you even know I was here?" she asked curiously, still keeping close to the door, in case a quick retreat was needed.

Kaidan turned to face her and tapped his nose. "Dead giveaway." In response to the horrified expression on her face, he clarified, "Vanilla mint with a hint of gun oil." His half smile had her narrowing her eyes, fighting the flattered blush that was threatening to form, but retaining a soft smile.

He still remembered.

Her expression cleared as she made her way to his bed and sat crossed-legged on it, her N7 hoodie falling a little off her shoulder. She didn't see Kaidan's eyes linger on her shoulder that was all but bare- even with the tank-top strap. "You look better," she murmured.

"Yeah, Doc says I'll be released pretty soon." He caught the change in her expression when he said the word _doc_. "Don't know if you heard, but I decided to take Udina up on the Spectre position."

"You'll be great," she said honestly.

Kaidan gave her a crooked grin- one of her favorites. "I only hope I can live up to it- pretty difficult considering the standard's you've made."

She plucked at invisible lint on her jacket- anything to look away from him. "You'll be ten time the Spectre I am. Haven't you heard?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm not loyal- I'm a traitor and a terrorist," she stated with no emotion. It wasn't until Kaidan flinched that she realized that he thought that was aimed at him…a shot alluding to Horizon. It wasn't…not really. "The way the media portrayed me, I'm one decision away from wiping out a species," she elaborated with a shrug.

His expression cleared a little. "Yet, you're curing the Genophage."

Shepard studied him hard, all humor gone. "That's classified- how d'you know that?"

"I've got people," he hedged, looking everywhere but at her.

"If its Joker, I'll kick his ass from the helm all the way to the cargo bay- and possibly all the way back up to the Medbay," she threatened.

"It's not Joker."

She glared at him for a long moment in silence, not sure whether to believe him. "Who is it?"

He repeated, "I've got people." He smirked at her in a way that had her clenching her teeth. "Anyway, back to what we were talking about. I won't be a better Spectre or soldier than you- I can't."

"Oh?" she asked curiously, tilting her head to the side a little and raised an eyebrow- something Kaidan had always thought was cute, but she didn't think about that as she did it…she had gotten so used to doing it aboard the SR-1 that it was thoughtless.

With a sly smile that she didn't understand, he drawled, "You're the one who's the _Hope_ of the galaxy."

Wincing, she shook her head. "I'm just another soldier, Kaidan. Anyone could do what I've done- just takes a little persuasion and a lot of balls."

"One of which you do not possess," he stated with that crooked grin again.

Shepard smirked at him and shrugged. "Haven't you heard? According to the Krogan, I've got a quad," she stated proudly, ending her sentence with a smile and her tongue caught between her teeth.

Kaidan walked forward slowly and stopped a little from the bed and cocked an eyebrow. His voice lowered fractionally- had she not known him so well, it wouldn't have been so noticeable- as he said, "I can assure you _and_ the Krogan that you most definitely do _not_ have a quad."

With a hard swallow, she grinned. "How d'you know? I underwent extensive surgery," she said without thinking.

Taking a step back, he eyed her up and down, his eyes lingering on her chest and on the crotch of her pants, before settling on her face, his eyes flickering from point to point before he finally shook his head. "If you've got a quad- or any sort of balls- then I'm a damn female Turian," he stated, his voice still in that lowered rumble that made her blood rush.

"Are you trying to flirt with me, Major?" she asked playfully- once again without thinking.

He placed a hand over his heart and feigned a hurt look. "Ouch. If you have to ask, it doesn't count," he said with a false, injured voice.

Keeping her expression clear, she said, "So it wasn't an _attempt_?"

"Apparently I'm a little rusty. It's been awhile."

Shepard's face went blank, more professional than was necessary between the two of them. Kaidan hated that look. "I doubt that," she said a little more harshly than she meant, but then added a forced smile at the end to lessen the asperity of her words.

Kaidan rolled his eyes. He wasn't fooled by her act; he knew that she was pissed or jealous over something. "A few years, and, the last time, I was so much the flirter as much the flirt-y."

Her nose twitched in agitation. She decided to change the subject before she felt the urge to hunt down Adria and shoot her. "So, what're you planning on doing when you get out of here?"

"Well, I'm going to hunt down my biotic squad. I'm a little worried about them- hoping the survived the initial bombardment of the Reapers."

"I thought you might like to come back to the Normandy," Shepard hedged, trying not to sound anything other than professionally curious.

Kaidan nodded and made his way back to his previous post at the window. "I thought about that," he admitted, not looking at her. "I'm _still_ thinking about that, actually." Shepard caught a strange look pass over his face, but it was gone just as soon as it appeared. "I just need some time to get used to my new job and figure a few things out."

Shepard got off the bed, still trying to keep her expression casual. "Let me know what you decide- either way." Her voice sounded strained and Kaidan eyed her strangely.

"It's not a no," he reiterated, shrugging.

She forced a smile. "I hope to see you around, Spectre Alenko," she murmured, making her way to the door.

Just before she was in proximity of the door opening, a hand on the middle of her back stopped her. "Shepard."

* * *

_"Shepard, come home with me. Let my parents meet you," he murmured, his hand in the middle of her back. Even through her BDUs, she felt the warmth his hand had to offer- hell, she was pretty sure that she could feel his warmth through her _armor_._

_A part of her wanted to press herself against him, but, the more responsible part of her, just laughed. "Your parents would take one look at me and tell you to run the other direction." Despite her better nature, she leaned in a little more into his side and gave him a crooked smile. "I need to make sure you're good and hooked before I can let _that_ happen."_

_They were nearly there. Both of them were just skirting around the three words that would change their relationship._

_Kaidan laughed with her. "I was already hooked a month ago on the way to Illos."_

* * *

"Hmm?" she asked, not turning around to look at him, but not stepping away from the warmth of his hand.

"Shepard," he repeated, his tone a little more firm and she felt the silent order for her to turn around and look at him. When she did, he stared down at her, his hand on her waist, for a few seconds before saying, "It's not no."

"I heard you the first two times," she answered dryly, pulling her eyes from his and putting them squarely over his right shoulder.

He moved his hand to her cheek and was startled when she flinched. "I'll let you know for sure what's happening soon," he assured her. "Udina wants me to do a few things for him here before I do anything else."

_But you might not come home,_ she wanted to say but the Normandy wasn't his home- not anymore-, and she wasn't either.

She stepped away from his hand (though she wanted to stay there forever- damn hormones) and said, "Good luck, Kaidan. I hope you find what you're looking for."

"This isn't goodbye."

She gave him a sad smile and turned to leave. She stopped in the doorway and murmured, "But it might be," before she disappeared from his sight.

_Damn. If Hackett hears about _this _I'm going to lose my head._

* * *

_**Author's Note:**** While this is titled Goodbye, this isn't me saying goodbye. A new chapter will be posted next Friday as usual- have no fear my lovely readers! It's named as such for the end of the chapter (the dialogue between Shep and Kaidan). Let me know what you all think!**_


	17. Chapter Seventeen: Release

Adria didn't say much as she helped Kaidan pack up the few items that he had collected since being brought to the hospital. She wasn't sure how to bring up the foulness of his mood that hadn't dissipated over the last few days- and she was almost certain that a certain Commander was to blame.

But, she kept silent.

"Looks like I'm all packed up," Kaidan murmured, his husky voice sounding strained.

"Most people collect more when they spend such a long time in the hospital," she said lightly, a smile playing on her lips.

Kaidan turned around and looked down at her. There was no humor in his eyes and he seemed slightly disgusted by her words. "We're at war- the whole damn galaxy is fighting to continue," he reminded her harshly.

She took a step back- not used to Kaidan taking that kind of tone with her-, and he hated her for that. She didn't even have the courage to keep her shoulders square and fight with him- to berate him for taking such an uncalled for tone. He hated her for all the reasons that he couldn't love her.

He wondered if he could have loved her if Shepard had stayed dead.

_Kaidan glared down at him omni-tool and wished that he had destroyed the damn thing long before he had even been put in his current situation. It was bad enough that Mike and his wife Jade had arranged the blind date, but the fact that Councilor Anderson (he could barely look at the man without thinking about Shepard, let alone hear the title that she had gotten for him) _ordered_ him on the date was beyond belief._

_If he would rather work than be social, what right did anyone have to get in his way?_

_But, when your best friend from BAat and his wife beg you to go and the human Councilor orders you to do something…well, you tend to do it._

_So, there he sat in a café on the Citadel and waited for his "bombshell" date to arrive. _The only bombshell I want won't ever arrive,_ he thought sadly as he took a drink of his tea (the drink of choice of his fallen Commander). Oh, she would drink coffee on those mornings after an exhausting battle or after a long night of amorous activity, but she preferred tea (Earl Grey or Green)._

_"Commander?" a soft, soprano voice asked from behind him and he couldn't help himself from straightening his posture and looking around for Shepard. After a few seconds, he remembered that he, too, was a Commander._

_No, that was wrong. She wasn't a commander anymore because she was gone._

_Turning, Kaidan plastered on a fake smile that was as convincing as he could manage- he hadn't smiled in the year and a half since she died. It just didn't seem right. The woman before him was definitely a looker- but a looker in all the wrong ways to Kaidan._

_Oh, she would be a knockout for anyone who hadn't already had their ideal woman in mind. The woman before him had eyes the color of the emeralds that his mother always wore when his father took her out on a date and the woman before him had long, chestnut brown hair. She was beautiful…just not enough for him._

_He wasn't being fair- comparing her to someone who was so far beyond _any_ man's league-, but compare her he did._

_She held out her hand to him. When he took it and shook it, she introduced, "I'm Adria Moore."_

_"Kaidan Alenko," he answered, letting go of her hand and gesturing to the seat next to him. "It's nice to meet you."_

_She leaned towards him and gave him a sweet smile. "It is."_

His thoughts instantly shied away from the thought.

"I-I know," she stuttered, looking at him with wide, confused eyes. "I didn't really mean anything by it- not really."

"I know," he said through his teeth. "I'm sorry." He rubbed his temples and sighed, trying to relieve the pressure that was building just behind his left eye.

Adria took a few moments to let Kaidan cool off further before asking, "So, you have any big plans once you leave?"

A date. She wanted to go on a date.

"Yeah, I have a mission from Udina. Apparently it's important enough to warrant a Spectre but not so much so that it requires an experienced Spectre," Kaidan explained as he picked up his bag and made his way to the door, not looking back at the accursed hospital room that had turned into a prison.

He wondered if that was how Shepard had felt.

_Kaidan stood just outside the room that held her. He wanted to go in, but stopped himself for multiple reasons. The biggest one being that he feared her reaction. He had sent her that damnable letter after Horizon and then…then nothing. He hadn't expected a response- not really. Then again, he feared her temper._

_She had enough of one to put Wrex in his place all those years ago, and he was pretty sure that she hadn't mellowed with age._

_Another reason was that he was still unsure about her. She had blown up a relay and took thousands of lives. The Shepard that he had known would never have done that. She had spared that on Batarian on the asteroid headed to Terra Nova because she didn't want to lose the hostages. If she _really_ was Shepard, there'd have to be more to the story than what he knew (the mission report was classified _**way**_ beyond anything he could even look at._

_The final reason was because he just wasn't aloud._

_But, he stood in the hall and looked into her room._

_She looked tired- more tired than he had ever seen her. Oh, she was put together well and most everyone else wouldn't see it, but he did. Her short red hair was almost completely put together- but Kaidan could see that she had missed that troublesome piece of hair just behind her bangs- and her uniform was almost perfect, but he saw how her shirt was just slightly bunched on her hips. Her skin was paler than he had ever seen and there was evidence of dark circles just under her eyes. She was also staring out the window, her head leaning against the wall. A faint smile played on her lips- but he could see no softness in her eyes or on her face._

_It may be a luxurious prison, but it was a prison no less._

_Even without having talked to her since Horizon, he knew that she hated it. She was meant to be in space- to travel the stars and protect those that needed it. Without that, she was nothing more than a husk of a person._

_That was when he began to accept her involvement with Cerberus._

_The Alliance would have had her in a holding cell similar or worse than the one she was currently residing in. Medical and psychological tests would bog her down for months- possibly years. She would be in a living hell…and so many more people would have died._

_…_He _would have been abducted and killed by the Collectors had she done nothing._

"That's too bad," she answered, sounding truly upset.

"Well," he began, looking at Adria (while trying to hide his irritation and indecision), "I've got to go meet Udina."

She smiled up at him, her eyes betraying the fact that she couldn't wait for them to see each other again. "See you later, Kaidan."

"Goodbye," he murmured as he walked away and couldn't help but remembering the final words he had heard Hope murmur the last time she was visiting.

_"But it might be." _

Why did she think that it was goodbye? Was it because she had met Adria? He instantly threw that idea out the window. If Shepard had met Adria…well, he'd know (and probably the news because she might have committed murder.

Decidedly, he was pretty sure that life was unfair.

"Major," he heard a raspy voice interrupt his thoughts.

Kaidan looked up from the floor and stopped in his tracks. A little to his side stood a Drell (he was pretty sure that he had seen the Drell lurking outside of his room but he wasn't positive). "Yes?"

The Drell stuck out his hand and waited for Kaidan to grasp it. "My name is Thane Krios- I served with Commander Shepard six months ago."

It took a minute for Kaidan to completely comprehend that. "You went to the Collector Base with her?"

"I did. She is strong of spirit- truly a Siha."

"What does that mean?"

"One of the warrior angels of the Goddess of Arashu- Goddess of Motherhood and Protection. They are said to be fierce in wrath a tenacious protectors," Krios explained.

Was he imaging it, or did the Drell's voice take on a tone of adoration? Jealousy coursed through Kaidan as he imagined him and her. Together. Their forms intertwined in her bed.

"Sounds like Shepard."

Thane studied him for a few moments in silence and gave him a small smile. "You are jealous," he stated matter-of-factly. "There is no need for you to be- nothing happened between her and me.

_"Sadness is evident in her eyes- had I not known the expression, I would not have seen it. It never fades and, at times, she even flinches at certain words. My heart breaks for her. She is fierce, yet gentle. She is the embodiment of contradiction. She is in love…but not loved- not by he who matters," _Thane says suddenly, his eyes unblinking. "Forgive me; I slip so easily into my memories of that time."

Kaidan just stares at him- taken aback by Thane's words. "Did she ever say who hurt her?" he asked, trying to sound obvious.

Thane blinked both of his eyelids before giving him a sad smile. "No, but it is obvious that it is you- you hold the same sadness in your eyes that has yet to be eradicated from hers. I could see the fierce determination in protecting you every time she came to visit and the sadness that grows ever worse every time she walks out the hospital doors."

"I don't know if I love her, or the memories that I have of her from a few years ago," Kaidan admitted.

Nodding, Thane gave him a pat on the shoulder. "If she is not the woman you fell in love with in the beginning, it doesn't mean that she's any less amazing. She is a woman that you would be willing to take a bullet for but would never be able to because she would push you out of the way to save your life."

"Like you said- she's tenacious and a protector," Kaidan gave a mirthless laugh.

Thane nodded and blinked before saying, "I'm holding you up, I'm sorry. You just needed to know that she is suffering as well."

Kaidan felt his shoulders droop and he shuffled into the elevator and leaned heavily against the wall as the door closed.

Why is it that every time he talked to someone that Shepard knew or knows, he felt as though he was under judgment, and always coming out the other side feeling smaller than a damn flea?


	18. Chapter Eighteen: A Letter

**_Author's Note:_****_ Okay, so it's Valentine's Day (the day of _**love**_, so I decided to post a chapter today. Have no fear; there will be another one tomorrow. This just popped into my head while I was attempting to write an English essay. Enjoy!_**

* * *

It was morning (about 0600 hours).

Actually, it was the morning after he was released from the hospital. Udina had told him to get a good night's rest because he had a lot of work to do.

So, of course, that meant Kaidan only got about two or three hours' worth of sleep.

All he could think about was Hope…and Adria. They were two totally different women and he was busy making a spreadsheet of the pros, cons, and okay aspect of each woman. Problem was, with Shepard, the pros and cons were one and the same.

Example: _Pro: Puts life in constant danger to __protect others__. Con: __Put's life in danger__ to protect others._

The list consisted of more, of course, but it was a rare occurrence when one of his items for Hope _didn't_ go on both sides.

And the middle column- the _okay_ column- didn't have a single word on it for her.

Burying his face in his hands, all he could think of was how high school it was for him to be making a list like that. It wasn't difficult.

Adria was the safe choice.

She was the **_easy_** choice.

She would always be at home waiting for him with a bright smile, perfectly styled hair, and wearing civilian clothes.

Adria would listen to him explain the hell he went through while on duty and make sympathetic noises that were meaningless. She would get him a beer and tell him to sit back while she made supper. Of course,_ she_ wouldn't drink.

Completely opposite of Shepard.

Hope would listen to his thoughts on a mission and then tell him what he did well and what he did badly, and then offer suggestions to get better- how to think _ahead_ of the enemy. She would grab a bottle of whiskey, a couple of glasses, and curl up with him on the couch. She would drink as much- or _more_- as him.

Why was that so hard to accept and go with the easy choice?

_"I, ah, prefer…_adventurous _women_." He had told Shepard when she inquired about his intentions towards Liara.

And it still held true.

**That** was the problem.

Shepard would never let him be happy with mediocre. She would always challenge him- push him. Her passion was just as fiery as her temper. She would never cower in fear if someone pointed a gun at her (which happened almost every damn day), she would give a chuckle that made Kaidan's insides tingle and would either try to talk them out of doing it or she would shoot them and then look at him and ask, simply, _Do you think the idiots of the galaxy will ever learn?_

His terminal beeped, alerting him to a new message. He didn't recognize the sender, but decided to read it anyway.

It wasn't like he was accomplishing much anyway.

When he opened the message, he startled when he heard Shepard's voice says _"Dear Kaidan,"_ and looked up to see her- looking pale and scarred up. His heart skipped a beat as she cleared her throat and started again.

_Kaidan,_

_It's been a few years for you, but it hasn't been that long for me. It's February 14 (you know, that stupid day that's supposed to be romantic?) and I've finally been given enough privacy to write a letter to you. Don't think that I haven't wanted to contact you since I woke up two weeks ago, but I had to sit through bullshit with the Illusive Ass (oops, I mean _Man_- the Illusive _Man_) and investigate a colony that went dark._

_I'm getting off track. I need to find out what happened to you. I've found out that you lived (Joker was uncomfortable with my asking about you) and you've been promoted to Staff Commander (Congrats, it's been a long time coming) and now you outrank me. I'm still trying to dig around to find out how _you've_ been since…well…since the Normandy was destroyed by the Collector's. No one knows (or, at least, won't tell me) how you've been getting along since I died._

_You know. Personally._

_Let me try again. I keep taking this message back to business and that isn't what I want to do. I need to tell you things that I wish I had told you before. Things that I was _afraid_ to tell you two years ago (two years ago for you, two or three weeks ago for me- death does weird things to the perception of time). _

_Don't roll your eyes. _

_You know very well that I get afraid of things (you're one of the few who know that it's true). I was afraid to lose you on Virmire, on the Citadel, and- damn it- I was afraid as hell when the SR-1 was being destroyed. Could you tell? Did you sense my urgency in making you leave? Do you understand _why_ I made you go by changing my words from a plea to an order?_

_I love you._

_Those are three words that neither of us was able to admit out loud to each other. I don't even know if you ever really felt that, but I did- _**do**._ I know that it's incredibly lame and clichéd to admit that on Valentine's Day (the day of _love_), but, like I said, this is the first chance I've been able to write you. Plus, to me, Valentine's Day is just another day to me._

_You may be celebrating Valentine's Day with someone else and I completely understand- it's upsetting, but I understand. It's been two years for you and you have the right to move on. I was dead, for Maker's sake!_

_There are so many things that should've played out differently (like my not dying and being brought back by Cerberus and the Illusive Man's sycophants), but the galaxy seems to have a strange sense of humor._

_I'm just hoping that my message reaches you and you'll listen to it. _

_I don't expect anything (like I said, I understand that time didn't stop for you) and you don't even have to respond. I just needed you to know._

_Happy Valentine's Day._

_I love you._

_Shepard_

Kaidan stared at the words (it had been bad enough to _hear_ Shepard, but someone had attached a written copy of the message as well), not sure how to comprehend them. He looked at the top of the message again.

_Original Message Recorded: February 14,_ _2185 0100 hours_

_Message Redirect: Operative Miranda Lawson_

_Message Resent: Current Date_

She had tried to contact him.

That was why she had seemed so surprised on Horizon when he had demanded why she _hadn't _tried to contact him.

Thane's words echoed in his mind again.

_"She is in love…but not loved- not by he who matters."_

Kaidan hadn't believed the Drell- not really. But, to have the opportunity to hear and read her words- to have her actually admit that she had loved them all those years ago and to admit that she still loved him (at least a little more than a year ago)…well…it was a good feeling.

And, despite his harsh words, he loved her to.

…at least the memories he had of her.

Was there a difference? Was she the same person- the same woman?

He hated the doubts that were in his mind. This was a very gray area of his life…and he hated gray. Black and white he could deal with…but gray was just too complicated.

As he looked at the frozen image of Shepard on his screen, he felt a small smile beginning to form.

She had looked for him.

She loved him.

He looped the message back to a few seconds before the end and replayed her final few words.

_Happy Valentine's Day._

_I love you._

_Shepard_

Nodding, he murmured, "I love you, too." He paused and shook his head. "I'm sorry."

But could love be enough?


	19. Chapter Nineteen: Desperation

_**Author's Note:**__** Thank you all for the comments, the followings, and the favorites! Those always make me smile like an idiot for a while. Well, here is the second one this week (since Valentine's Day was yesterday). Enjoy!**_

* * *

There was one way that Shepard knew that would help her bury the memory of the last visit to the Citadel.

That was shooting bad guys.

Kaidan had insisted that it wasn't goodbye, but…well...he wasn't aboard the Normandy was he? Doctor Michel had sent her a message when she released Kaidan. He wasn't on the Normandy- that was all that mattered.

Of course, she wasn't either.

No, she was on Tuchanka- feeling the tremors from the mother of all Thresher Maws. The damn thing had to be massive in order to shake the ground like it did. Normal Thresher Maws were a bitch to deal with, but this…this was a whole 'nother scale.

She cursed herself. Kaidan had said that the first time the Normandy had landed on the Citadel…when he implied that she was a beautiful woman.

_Damn._

"Shepard, look," Garrus said in surprise, pointing ahead of them.

"It's…it's _green_," Shepard whispered, walking towards it.

"I didn't think there was any left on Tuchanka," Garrus said in wonder as he reached out to touch a leaf.

"What you're seeing," Eve explained through the comm, "Is hope- hope for Tuchanka and for the Krogan.

Shepard said nothing as she looked over all the plant life. She was in awe at Eve's outlook on something so trivial- something as simple as a plant.

"How can something that you haven't seen give you hope?" she asked after a minute.

"Because it exists- it has been seen. The fact that it remains, despite the nuclear was, is cause for a belief that things _can_ turn around.

"Things that have been seen, touched, heard, or tasted can all lend themselves to hope, Commander," Even explained.

James asked the question that Shepard refused to voice: "How do you tell the difference between hope and delusion?"

The comms were silent for a long minute. "It's a feeling you get in your heart- in your soul-…despite what your mind tries to tell you," Shepard said, surprising herself.

James looked at her in surprise, Garrus in understanding, and asked, "You speaking from experience, Lola?"

She shifted uncomfortably and shrugged. Garrus took pity on her as he said, "Sure she does. She _hoped_ she'd beat Saren and stop Sovereign a few years ago; it was a delusion to think that the Council would pull their heads out of their asses and prepare.

As James chuckled, Shepard remained expressionless. "If you think about it, you really can't blame them, Garrus- it _is_ pretty difficult to believe."

Garrus snorted. "We've dismissed those claims."

James, understandably, looked confused and shook his head. "D'you ever hope that you were wrong?"

Shepard gestured for them to move on. "Yeah. Problem was that I've been to Ilos, I saw Sovereign, and the Collector's blew up my ship and killed me."

"I guess that it was more of a delusion than hope then," James pointed out.

"Sometimes believing in a delusion is easier than accepting facts," Shepard murmured, again causing James to look at her in experience.

"Another experience?"

She gave him a forced smile that was believable enough for him (but not for Garrus) and joked, "Sure. I've deluded myself that you're a good marine- useful for more than flexing your big muscles."

"You wound me," James chuckled, pressing a hand to his heart in mock pain.

Shepard threw a sweet smile over at him that made him stumble. Apparently it was her goal of the day to keep him unbalanced.

"Not quite yet," she all but purred.

Garrus watched the scene unfold- unsure if he disapproved or not.

On one hand, Kaidan was a selfish bastard that had hurt Shepard more than once. If anything, the small woman (who carried the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders) in front of him deserved to be happy.

On the other hand, he knew that she still loved Kaidan. If anything, this was nothing more than battlefield flirting mixed with desperation.

She was losing hope.

"If you keep this up, Lola, I'll have to show you _all_ the things my muscles are good at besides looking good," James growled back flirtatiously.

Garrus knew that he should interrupt- if only for _her_ sake (of course, if Kaidan caught wind of this, _James_ my end up dying)- but it was just so fascinating. Shepard and Kaidan had never spoken like this while groundside. There had been almost no way to tell that they were more than superior and subordinate.

"Again with the promises, James. What're you going to do when I come down to the cargo bay and order you to show me?"

Garrus coughed uncomfortably. "Shepard. Reapers. Maw. Krogan?" he finally managed to choke out.

She visibly snapped back into her Commander stance and gave a sharp nod. "Right. James, we'll continue this conversation aboard the Normandy."

"Promises, promises," James teased as he fell into formation behind Shepard.

Garrus tuned into her private comm channel and demanded, "What the hell was that?"

"I'm sorry?"

A group of cannibals came into sight and they all rolled into cover and began to take them out.

"Do you just have a thing for your lieutenants or are you just trying to get back at Kaidan?"

Shepard unloaded a clip into a marauder before saying, "Neither."

"You're still so far gone for him that his not coming back is killing you. You'll just end up hurting yourself more if you keep messing around with James."

Shepard finished off the last cannibal and snapped her attention to Garrus.

Part of her wanted to slug him. She was so pissed that he was able to read her so well. She didn't want- didn't _need_ someone looking out for her. And, damn it, he was right.

The second part of her, the one she chose, was to ignore him.

* * *

Back aboard the Normandy, Shepard sat in her quarters and wondered if she could have doomed the Krogan to infertility- would she have been able to take the Dalatrass' offer?

_Maybe if Wreav was in charge,_ she thought seriously.

Problem was that no species deserved to be fertile- to never have children if they wanted them.

She fiddled with a spare datapad on her desk that rested next to her necklace. She didn't know if she could have kids. What if she _couldn't_- what man would want her then?

No way in hell was _Adria_ infertile.

Shepard threw the datapad and was on her feet in an instant. She stormed to a cabinet and pulled out a bottle of tequila, opened it, and drank straight from the bottle.

"EDI," she snapped once she lowered the bottle (which had been full, but was reduced to half).

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Please send Lieutenant Vega up to my cabin," she instructed, taking another drink of tequila.

All she could think of was him (Kaidan) and her (Adria)…_together_.

"He's on his way," EDI informed her.

"That'll be all."

"Logging you off."

Shepard sighed and put the tequila back and relaxed back on her couch. She was giddy.

Probably a result of drinking tequila from the bottle without any kind of chaser.

The door to her quarters opened to reveal a stunned looking James with his hand hovering over the call button.

"You going to come in or are you just going to stand there and look confused?" she demanded playfully.

James straightened his shoulders and dropped his hand. He strutted into her quarters and stood in front of the couch. Even standing still, his muscles practically throbbed- begging to be touched.

"What d'you need, Lola?" he asked, the slight accent in his voice sent a shiver of anticipation down her spine.

She stood up and stretched, loving the feel of his eyes on her while she slowly relaxed. Giving him a smile, she inquired, "Who says that I need anything? Maybe I want you to show me?"

His face betrayed his confusion at her words for a few moments while he processed that. Once he got it, he looked at her in surprise. "Commander-"

"James," she whispered, walking slowly up to him and placed her hands on his sizable chest, "don't call me that right now."

His hands rested on her small hips almost on their own accord as she tilted her head and gave him a seductive half smile that turned his stomach into butterflies.

This small, powerful woman was so far _beyond_ his league.

Hell, she was so far beyond _any_ man's league.

Her hands slowly made their way up his chest until she wrapped her arms around his neck. Her eyes were a contradiction to her actions. Her eyes screamed of a desperate need to be desired…but not necessarily by him.

But that didn't matter in that matter.

His hands moved up to bury themselves in her short, crimson hair. He had always known that her hair would be wonderfully soft beneath his large, calloused fingers.

Her lips were parted as she looked up at him with her large, baby blues. "James," she murmured through trembling lips.

He pulled lightly on her hair- forcing her head back so that he could have easier access to her lips. "_Callado_, Lola," he ordered, slowly lowering his face to hers.

James wanted to savor the moment.

When their lips were only a breath apart, Joker's voice broke over the comm.

"Don't mean to interrupt, Commander, but you have a high priority call from the Salarian Councilor," he informed her.

Shepard broke from James' arms and made her way to the elevator, saying, "I'll take it in the comm room," as the doors closed.

"Stay away from her, man," Joker warned.

"What? You jealous, flyboy? I thought you were happy with your robot?"

"I'm not jealous," Joker assured him, "but a certain biotic Major might get that way pretty quick."

James snorted as he made his way to the elevator. "Lola and the Major? Give me a break."

"Leave her alone, Vega- for her sake, if not for your own."

* * *

_**Author's Note:**__** Okay, I admit that James would have been a fun, interesting LI in-game (it kinda made me salty when he wasn't even an option- FEMSHEP got screwed...just saying). Feel free to comment!**_

_**Next week, as should be obvious, will be the invasion of the Citadel.**_


	20. Chapter Twenty: Coup Pt 1: Attack

**_AN:_****_ Thank you for the comments, favorite's, and follows. It always makes me happy to open my inbox and see those lovely messages! :D _**

**_Okay, this turned out a little longer than was the original plan (I'll explain more on the bottom). This is also a little different from one of my normal chapters, so bear with me. There is also so actual dialogue that I pulled directly from the ME3 (you'll know it when you see it) and there is some of the dialogue that I pulled from the game and twisted it for my own purposes._**

**_Bioware owns all, save for Adria and my own, personal Shep._**

**_Enjoy!_**

* * *

The attack came with no warning. One minute it was quiet and peaceful (well, as quiet and peaceful as was _normal_, anyway), the next minute had her staggering on her feet. Explosions on some lower level shook the entire level she was on.

Warning klaxons sounded as the hospital went into lockdown and the staff began preparing for the new patients that were bound to arrive. There was no hesitation, no panic, just an increase in movement.

Non-critical patients were all moved together so that there was more space.

It was times like this that Adria hated her job. The problem was that, if a patient was too critical and unable to be worked on quickly, well, then she had to move on. She had to save as many lives as possible.

She hated life or death situations.

The pressure was horrible.

Life would find no complaints with her if there was a lot less _death_ and a lot more _life._ No wars, no gangs, no battles….

Just romance and marriage and babies.

She paused with her hand on a tube of medi-gel. In the midst of all the chaos, she had forgotten to think of the well-being of someone.

It disgusted her that she hadn't thought to contact him earlier. This was his element- he'd know what all she should do.

She opened her omni-tool and keyed in his comm link code. "Kaidan?" she whispered, fear coursing through her. Static was her response. "Kaidan…oh god," she choked out.

Adria gathered all the medi-gel in front of her to her chest, trying to maintain some semblance of calm (it wouldn't do her _or_ the patients any good if she was busy have a panic attack about a friend lost somewhere on the Citadel.

Still, she had faith.

Kaidan was a survivor. He didn't know that she knew about what happened at BAat, but she did. He survived. He served with Commander Shepard and survived (from everything she heard about the mission of them hunting the Geth and that rogue Spectre, it was a surprise _anyone_ survived) and he survived the destruction of the Normandy and the abduction of Horizon.

He would be fine.

She just had to keep repeating that until she actually believed that.

* * *

"External comms are down," Kaidan muttered to himself as he made his way to the Councilors. Unfortunately, he was only half way to them. "No way to signal for help…limited internal comms.

"Only ship with enough processing power to come close to straightening them out isn't even here- probably half way across the galaxy saving someone else."

A traitorous part of him mind (that spoke too loud to be ignored) found that pretty convenient. She had stopped by the Citadel after every major mission save for her last one. She went straight into the next mission. Another part of him (just a tiny voice, really) wanted to think that it was because he had been released from the hospital and she didn't know where he was.

…because she thought he had been saying goodbye.

He had been pretty sure that he had been getting past her past associations with Cerberus, but, apparently, that was a lie. He had thought that talking to her in the hospital had been enough. Rubbing his forehead, he wished that things were black and white.

They used to be…back before he had met Shepard and they went on an impossible mission and found out that, according to a bunch of epically scary monsters, they were at the apex of their civilization and they were going to be brought to extinction.

Sometimes he wished that life had stayed simple. Then again, that would present the same dilemma he was currently facing with the women in his life. What would he honestly be doing if Reapers' didn't exist and he had never met Hope? Where would he be in his career?

Probably still a Lieutenant serving on a ship, not remembering the names of the crew, because, honestly, he hadn't earned his last few promotions. No, Shepard was the reason that he was currently ranked _Major_. Her victory on the Citadel had awarded him the rank of Commander and her work on Horizon had given him the status of Major.

And Spectre?

Hell, all the things that made him into a badass soldier had come from her…well…almost. He wasn't so pretentious to think that it was only Hope that made him the way he was. He had been a pretty decent soldier long before he had even met her. Plus, he had some pretty intense situations after he served with her….

…where she saved his ass from the Collectors'.

_Damn._

"Of course she makes everyone better that serves under her. The best that the galaxy has to offer…'s the reason she's in charge of the uniting the galaxy, despite the fact that she quite literally blew a damn Batarian planet- and it's system- clean, clear off the map," he muttered to himself.

"Major," a familiar voice interrupted, causing Kaidan to shut his mouth. "It seems Cerberus is to blame for the invasion. There are squads of them on every level that I've been on."

Kaidan sighed as he looked at the Drell. Of course it was Cerberus (and he _knew_ that, hence the reason why he was suspicious of Shepard)- why the hell _wouldn't_ it be Cerberus? "You think they've got a target or are they just distracting us from something else?

Thane seemed to think on that. "It's my belief that-" he rolled to the left a fraction of a minute before a bullet flew through the area his head had been. Kaidan ducked into cover opposite of Thane. "I believe they have a target- or multiple targets. There're too many of them and they're too well trained to be a distraction."

After Kaidan finished off a Guardian, he joked, "That means there's only one thing missing."

"Oh?" Thane inquired, checking the clip in his rifle.

"Yeah. Shepard. She's not one to miss a huge battle."

Thane gave Kaidan a strange look. She doesn't fight because she wants to- she fights because everyone _needs_ her to."

"I know," Kaidan admitted. "But she enjoys the fight- you can see it on her face when she makes a hard kill."

"Her gun is an extension of herself, but that's not who she really is. I'm not sure that _she_ even knows who she is anymore. She's too worried about everyone else to worry about herself."

"I'll let you in on a little secret," Kaidan gasped as a Nemesis broke through his shields, forcing him back into cover until they regenerated, "that's always been a problem of hers. If you hadn't noticed, she doesn't even let anyone know if she's been _shot_, let alone voice her feelings or as for help."

Thane beaded down on the Nemesis, slowing his breath to the point that Kaidan wondered if the Drell was actually breathing. He pulled the trigger in slow motion and promptly began to reload after making sure that the Nemesis was dead. "Have you made a decision yet?"

Had he? Because he had instantly been suspicious of her, did that mean that he had made a decision? He thought back to his lists.

Kaidan sighed. "Not yet. There're too many variables- too many words," _my words_ he added silently, "between us. We're two totally different people."

"People change," Thane admitted, "but she is an amazing woman. I never knew her before the Collector mission, but it has proven to be an honor to know her."

"Seems like it always is."

"Feelings are a little more difficult to change," Thane added.

A scream from behind them had them both turning around. Kaidan nodded decisively. "You need to go back and help whoever that was- Cerberus isn't known to take prisoners."

"What about you?"

"I've got to go find the Councilors and escort them to safety. Also, we need to find a way to broadcast onto the comm buoy. Until then, no one will know what's happening unless they tune into the emergency comm system. That's no efficient enough." He paused as he thought about it. "Let's assume that Cerberus is holding C-Sec HQ. After you find out what's happening to that civilian, go see what's happening there. C-Sec is going to need all the backup they can get.

Thane suppressed a smile. The major sounded eerily like the Commander. He nodded his head and seemed to disappear right before Kaidan's eyes. With a shake of his head, he left to find the Councilors.

It was euphoric.

He hadn't experienced the thrill of a hunt since he had left the Normandy. It was a strange thing to miss- of this he was certain-, but he was a hunter by training. The Hanar ingrained it into his very nature at a young age.

Thane didn't use a cloak like the one that Kasumi used (of course, after going on a few missions with her, he strongly considered it) because he didn't need it. He had the ability to hide in plain sight. (Shepard had once told him of a game she played sometimes called _Where's Thane_.) It was difficult to explain the mechanics of it, but it was hand.

At the moment, he stood perfect still in an alcove. A woman's body was laid in the center of the room with three Cerberus lackeys standing around her. She was, most likely, the source of the scream.

"We're to hold this floor at any cost. We've got one of our target's nearby, and he may try to escape," one of them informed the others (in the back of his mind, Thane could hear Shepard say, _Let's call him number one. When it's time, Thane, you get One._).

"Do we get the pleasure of taking out the target?" (_Number Two is yours Garrus_, the ghost-voice of Shepard chimed in).

"No way," a female voice responded (_Number Three is mine._), "Kai Leng will appear at the last second and make the kill.

Thane stepped further back into the alcove to do a search on _Kai Leng_ when he was interrupted by a familiar voice demanding, _"Hey, hello, is anyone there? What's going on?"_ over the comm.

Looking around, Thane slipped away from his hiding spot and out of earshot of the Cerberus soldiers. He skirted into the shadows and entered a storefront.

_"This is the SSV Normandy, is anyone out there?"_

"This is Thane, are you really here?" he asked.

_"Yeah, this is Joker."_

Thane rubbed his temples. "We have a small situation on the Citadel- no external comms."

_"Yeah, no kidding,"_ Joker said sarcastically.

"I need to talk to Shepard, Joker. I need her help."

Thane waited until he heard her say, _"Go ahead, Thane."_

"Shepard, the Citadel is under attack," Thane explained as quickly as he could. "Cerberus troops are everywhere and they're in control of the docks."

_"Are you safe?"_

Thane blinked twice before saying. "I'm in a Presidium storefront."

There was a slight pause and she asked, _"Did Kaidan make it out?"_

"We got separated. He said that he had to protect the Council. I'm going to C-Sec headquarters." He proceeded to explain the HQ was being held by Cerberus and, until it was freed, Cerberus held the entire station.

_"Alright,"_ he heard her say after a moment of thought_, "Joker, get us away from the docks and as close to C-Sec HQ as you can get. We'll deploy in the shuttle."_

_"Aye-aye, Commander."_

_"Thane…."_

"Commander?"

_"Stay safe."_

It was all going according to plan.

Well…almost.

Somehow, Valern had disappeared and Udina's network could place him.

No matter, one of the Illusive Man's drones would find and kill him. It was a pity that Udina wouldn't get to see his face as he realized that he was going to die, but there was a bigger picture to look forward to.

The only regret that Udina had was that Major Alenko had found him and the other Councilors. It was a shame that Alenko would have to die with Tevos and Sparatus. He had already proven that he would never leave the Alliance for Cerberus when he had met up with Shepard on Horizon- shocking, even, to the Illusive Man.

If only some other Spectre had found them…especially if it had been Shepard. Somehow, despite showing where her loyalties lie, the Illusive Man harbored hope for her. Even Udina had once fostered faith in Shepard when she appeared on the Citadel after her temporary death. She was an excellent soldier (better, even, than Alenko) and always brought her people out on the other side.

But Udina had disliked her from the moment that he met her. Not only was she a great soldier, but she exuded an aura of charisma and confidence that would lend to any negotiation. Even given his own skills of negotiation and his political experience, he had a distinct feeling that he would lose to her in any negotiation.

"Councilor Udina," Major Alenko interrupted his thoughts, "We need to head out."

As Udina fell into line behind Alenko and in front of Tevos, all he could think was, _Well, at least I get the pleasure of knowing the Major's death will hurt Shepard._

_Well, this is completely FUBAR._

First, Bailey had been shot. She had watched him go down and, with the way that he fell, she had been certain that he was dead. She felt her heart clench in her throat as she set to work on the Cerberus assholes. Her grief for him was _eons_ different than when she lost Ash and Mordin, but it was still intense grief.

Luckily, the shot had missed anything vital and Bailey had been playing dead (Shepard considered shooting him in the foot for making her think that he had died).

That was about where their luck ended.

"Cerberus has control of C-Sec. While they do, they have control of the station," Bailey informed her, scanning the open files on the terminal.

"Of _course_ they do," she sighed.

"Wait a minute," Bailey said slowly, reading something in its entirety. "Looks like the Salarian Councilor was here just before the attack meeting with the Executor."

James stepped forward, looking confused. "Why would he be meeting with the Executor?"

"That usually means that someone big is about to be taken down. All he said was, _Be on guard- the likelihood of betrayal from within is high…._ Not a lot else."

"The Council mentioned Udina," Garrus offered, stepping forward. "Does he even have that kind of pull?"

It all clicked.

It made sense that he was with Cerberus. He didn't think much of other species and he had a mean-streak the size of Mars. He was all about Humanity- other species be damned.

Of course he was Cerberus.

Problem was that Kaidan was now escorting three of the four Councilors to an evac point that was compromised by Udina. Problem number two lay with the Alliance and the fact that he would sooner die than join their ranks.

…and, if a Cerberus Operative found them…well…then Kaidan _would _die.

She clenched her hands into tight fists. "It doesn't matter right now- we'll worry about Udina" _that treacherous asshole_ "later. Right now, we need to kick Cerberus out of C-Sec."

"I've set up a comm channel so that we can communicate," Bailey offered.

Shepard spared him a quick smile of appreciation. "Garrus, James, go see what kind of data or spare clips Cerberus has laying around or on them."

Garrus gave her a knowing look and left with James to search the fallen bodies. Shepard leaned onto the desk and sighed tiredly. She might, even, have rubbed her temples had it not been for the gauntlets adorning her arms and hands.

"Seems like you're thinking really hard on how to ask a simple question," Bailey pointed out.

Okay. Straight to the point then.

"I need you to try to contact Major Kaidan Alenko. He is escorting Udina, Tevos, and Sparatus."

Bailey looked pained. "I don't even know if I can access _any_ open channels as it is, let alone a specific one."

Shepard nodded. "He needs to know about Udina- or our suspicions, at least."

"I'll work on it."

"Thanks." She straightened herself up and the said, a little louder, "Garrus, James, we're moving out!"

* * *

**_AN:_****_ Okay, this was definitely supposed to get a little further, but character's kept wanting their voices heard, so that's actually what happened. I hope you all enjoyed it. I know, I know, there was in-game dialogue (remember, I mentioned that in the beginning), but…well…I couldn't help myself. Feel free to comment!_**


	21. Chapter TwentyOne Coup Pt2 Confrontation

**_Author's Note: _****_Okay, this one is a little longer than I (once again) anticipated, but I wanted to get to a certain point (the same point I wanted to get to in the last chapter, but didn't). Once again, there is dialogue from in-game and there is some in-game dialogue with my own twist. Forgive me. This is a very pivotal part of the game and I love a lot of the dialogue. So, enjoy!_**

* * *

"There might be survivors in here," Shepard informed her squad quietly over their internal comms, watching her HUD. "Survivors are always a priority."

"When's the last time that you saw Cerberus leave people alive?" Few people had the courage to question her like that, but Garrus well…Garrus was Garrus.

She cast a triumphant grin his way that was barely visible through her helmet as she said, "Grissom Academy."

Shepard motioned them into cover as she pulled out her beloved M-98 Widow and gestured for Garrus to pull out his own sniper rifle (a Black Widow). They sighted down on the two targets.

"Got left," Garrus informed her quietly.

"One," she murmured.

"Two," he responded.

"Three," they said together and pulled their triggers, effectively dropping both of their targets.

"Damn, Scars, you're almost as good as Lola- in the shooting department, that is. You can't hold a candle to her looks and moves." James eyed the impassive Shepard as she reloaded her rifle and replaced it on her back, pulling out her Mattock.

"Almost?" Garrus snorted.

"You hesitated," she informed him matter-of-factly. "Your target fell after mine.

James and Garrus both stared at her in shock. Her tone was much too harsh for the conversation. Garrus looked her over carefully- looking for any blood that might be seeping out or an expression of pain (he had gotten a lot better at reading human expression since the old SR-1 days). There was nothing.

She ignored the two men and gestured for them to follow. Shepard was unsure what it was that had set her off.

James' careless flirtation?

Garrus' shot?"

Sighing, she flipped to a private comm link with Garrus. "Sorry," she murmured.

"I get it," he assured her.

"Care to clue me in?"

"It's just like Horizon," Garrus pointed out, ignoring her flinch. "He was in danger and you were running at 150%, just in the hope that you could save him. We- Kasumi and I-…well…we were just slowing you down."

* * *

He is here,_ she thought frantically as she set off in a run as soon as her boots hit the ground. She barely paused long enough to pull out her Mattock (one of the few good things that Cerberus had given her since she was revived)._

_She was aware that she was talking to Mordin, but she didn't know what she was saying._

_It didn't matter._

_Kaidan was on Horizon- in a colony under attack. She couldn't let the Collector's take him. She would sooner trade herself in so that he might escape. It was worth losing her own life (_**again**_) so that he would continue on._

_She knew that Garrus and Kasumi were struggling to keep up. Once again, it didn't matter- she had to save Kaidan._

* * *

"We're here to save_ everyone_ on the Citadel- not just one person."

"Whatever you say, Shepard, whatever you say."

* * *

Kaidan wasn't quite sure when he had started to hate Udina. It might have started when he first met the obnoxious ambassador. He had discredited Shepard's words as quickly as the Councilors. It might, even, have started after the SR-1. Udina had been on the front lines of those spitting on Shepard's name.

Still, he had to protect the jerk.

It would be better if Udina knew how to shut his damn mouth. It seemed that Udina didn't understand that they were in a hostile situation. He might as well have been flashing neon lights and providing a beacon for Cerberus to find them.

"Udina," Kaidan hissed, spinning around on his heels. He held up a warning finger in Udina's face. "I don't think you grasp the severity of our situation."

"Major-"

"Shut the hell up," he snapped, letting his temper get the better of him. "We are in a _hostile situation. _At this point, you listen to me- _I_ am in charge. We cannot afford for you to bring the whole of Cerberus down on us because you can't _shut up_ for five minutes."

"It's your job to protect us," Udina huffed indignantly.

"I am just one soldier. There are a lot more of Cerberus than even I can deal with." He turned back around and murmured, "I'm not Shepard."

Kaidan sighed. That was the main problem. She was just so damn good at everything she did.

Well…except for cooking and dancing.

As he began to slowly, carefully, lead the Councilors forward again, a small smile broke through as he remembered the first time that he had seen her dance.

* * *

_Garrus, Joker, and Kaidan all sat at the bar in Flux. Shepard had given them two days leave before they had to report for a mission on Virmire (one that Shepard wouldn't give anyone details about until they were on route- apparently to keep word-of-mouth non-existent while on the Citadel). _

_It was decided that her squad (plus Joker and minus Wrex) would all go to the club together. She said something about it being the perfect way to unwind together. Gambling and booze- dancing for those inclined._

_"Ten creds say that the Commander shows up in her BDUs," Joker said, slapping down the amount on the bar with a wicked grin._

_Kaidan sat down his beer and smirked. "You're on, Flyboy." It was a bet that he was sure to lose, but he still couldn't resist a bet against Joker- hadn't been able to resist since that first best on the Normandy before they had even left dry-dock._

_"Count me out, I wouldn't- Spirits," he hissed, his mandibles flexing as he stared at the entrance._

_Tali was in her normal enviro-suit, but Ash was dolled up. Her dark hair was down from its bun and flowed in soft waves over her shoulders. She was wearing a tight long-sleeved shirt that plunged to reveal copious amounts of cleavage, a short skirt, and heels that, the guys were sure, added six inches to her height._

_They spotted the guys and slowly made their way over to them, dodging through dancers with ease. They smiled as Tali took his seat beside Garrus and Ash sat next to Joker._

_Joker, after prying his eyes from Ash's bare legs, asked, "No Shepard?"_

_"She said that she had to finish a report first, and then she'll come," Tali explained. She paused for a minute and then turned her covered face to Ash and said, with a smirk evident in her voice, "Of course, that was after she almost fell out of her chair from seeing Ashley's outfit._

_"Liara?" Garrus inquired._

_Ashley snorted. "Something about her and Shep's last joining being a huge drain and she still needs time to recoup."_

_"Oh, yeah, I'm sure that that's what it is," Joker said sarcastically, looking pointedly at Kaidan._

_Kaidan decided to ignore that statement (as if he even knew how to respond to it, anyway) and looked at Ash. "What did she have to say about," he broke off as he tried to figure out the best way to put it. After that turned out to be pointless, he simply gestured at her outfit._

_"Like Tali said, she almost fell out of her chair."_

_Joker narrowed his eyes and asked, "But what was she wearing?"_

_Ash looked at him with wide, hurt eyes. Kaidan decided to save him. "We have a bet," he explained._

_"Well, she was wearing her normal BDUs," Ash explained, still looking suspicious._

_A new song started and Ash flashed a huge grin at Joker. Looking pained, Joker muttered, "I can't dance- brittle bones, you know?"_

_"Sure you can, I see a place over there," she gestured towards the tables, "that looks relatively safe."_

_Joker sighed but let Ash lead him to the dancerless area. After a few moments, Tali and Garrus went on the dance floor._

_Kaidan decided that that was the worst possible triple date…._

_Or, it would have been if it had actually been a date…._

_…Or if Shepard had even shown up…._

_With a glass of some kind of liquor (he honestly couldn't say what it was) in hand, he let his gaze wonder over the crowd. His eyes stopped onto the back of a woman. She was wearing pale, blue jeans that hugged her rear like a glove and, even though they were covered, hugged relatively nicely on her mile-long legs that ended at her shoes. She was wearing a gray tank top that hugged every inch of her lithe torso._

_When the woman turned around, he was positively floored. He was on his feet and shoving people out of the way before his thoughts could process everything._

_"Shepard," he breathed when he reached her. He struggled not to reach out and touch her- the bare skin on her shoulders beckoning for him to caress it._

_She looked up at him, cocked her head a little, and smiled his favorite smile. "Kaidan," she said in way of response._

_"Dance with me?" he asked._

_Her eyes widened fractionally and she shook her head. "I can't dance."_

_"Then why come at all?"_

_Her smile turned a bit mischievous. "I do drink and gamble. I can't dance."_

_Kaidan gently touched her upper arm (he couldn't stop himself). "It doesn't matter. Dance with me." He noticed an extra chain beside the chain that held her dog tags. Kaidan wished that he had the courage to reach out and reveal what was attached to it._

_She worried her bottom lip, drawing Kaidan's eyes down to her mouth. "Fine," she finally said, "but you can't make jokes about my inability to dance."_

_Kaidan took her hand and led her into the squirming mass of dancers. He didn't stop progressing until they were in the very center. She looked completely confused and out of her element. With a gentle smile, he lifted her arms to wrap around his neck and laid his hands on her hips (trying not to think too hard about it else his body react inappropriately._

_Even as they started dancing, she stepped on his feet three times in the first minute and she had no rhythm (he found it ironic that she was more graceful when there were hundreds of bullets flying at her than when there was nothing more than the beat of a song). With every stomp on his foot, she would look at him apologetically and try to step away from him, but he held firmly on her hips. His foot was throbbing._

_It was okay though because the crowd assured that she was pressed against him and, with the way that she smiled at him, he was pretty sure that she could have shot him in the foot and he would still be in bliss._

_He was pretty sure that he loved her._

* * *

Shepard glanced through the glass in the hallway in time to see the Salarian Councilor's cloak fizzle out.

"Bailey, I found him- he doesn't seem to be hurt…which is more than can be said about his guards," Shepard said over the comm, motioning James and Garrus to scout out ahead to find a way to Valern.

"Get him somewhere safe, Shepard- he's the one with evidence against Udina," Bailey instructed.

A man with dark hair and Reaper upgrades dropped down from the rafters in front of Valern. Shepard hissed, "Shit," and shot out the glass. She shielded her face and jumped down in front of the man. He flipped over in order to put Valern between them.

_Damn ninja skills._

Pointing her gun at the ninja-man, she warned, "Don't even think about it."

"Shepard," Valern gasped, keeping his eyes on the ninja as Shepard and said ninja circled him. "He's going to kill us all!"

She was trying to line up a clean shot. Problem was that the bastard was so damn quick. "That remains to be seen," she said in reply to the Salarian- but mostly to taunt the assassin.

"I mean Udina. He's the one who's staging the coup! He's got the other Councilors now!" When Shepard didn't answer, he gasped, "To hand over to Cerberus!"

"They're fine for now- Spectre Alenko is with them." She hoped that he was, anyway.

"Udina nominated him- Alenko could be with Cerberus too!"

Shepard ignored Valern as Garrus and James (_finally_) made their way through the door. "Three on one, buddy. It's over."

Ninja man stared at her for a long moment before he smirked. "No. Now it's fun."

* * *

Pictures didn't do her justice. He had studied her dossier in great detail and she was utterly fascinating. Her skills put her as one of the deadliest opponents he had ever faced, and her looks made her the most stunning. Even with the murderous glint in her eyes, he could have gladly taken her in that moment.

Oh, she would put up one hell of a struggle- it was ingrained into her very nature to fight. She would bite, scratch, and scream, but that would add to pleasure.

And, given enough time, she might even come to enjoying it as well. It would take a while to break the loathing and hatred, but he was willing to be patient with her.

Hope Shepard, he could tell, would like things rough and lasting.

And he was perfectly willing to give it to her.

* * *

James watched as the drell dropped from the ceiling behind the ninja bastard. He slowly pulled his gun up to take aim.

…and he should have pulled the fucking trigger!

Instead, they commenced in hand-to-hand combat that moved too quickly to follow. Even Shepard had taken a step back, not bothering to lift her gun.

In a moment, it all seemed to stop.

"Thane!" Shepard gasped. The ninja pulled the blade out from the drell and ran off. Anger- the likes of which James had never seen- and hatred flooded Shepard's face. "You son of a bitch!" she snarled, racing after him.

Garrus rushed to Thane, leaving James to stand awkwardly besides Valern. "Help me up, Garrus," Thane gasped.

"You need to stay down, Thane. Help is on the way," Garrus said quickly, sounding like he was fighting emotion.

"I'm already dead." James looked over in time to see Garrus help Thane to his feet. "Afterwards, don't let her stop- don't let this break her. Protect her."

Thane stumbled after Shepard, leaving Garrus, James, and Valern standing silently.

"Let us hope that this is not a forewarning of what is to come," Valern murmured.

"Councilor, you need to stay here under cloak until C-Sec arrives," Garrus informed him.

"Garrus, James," Shepard's voice cut through the comm, "we've got to move. The assassin is running."

* * *

A loud band, followed by increasingly lighter bangs sounded from the roof of the elevator.

"What's that noise?" Tevos gasped, looking around frantically as she stepped closer to Sparatus.

"Gunmen," Kaidan hissed , pulling out his pistol (and didn't he just wish that he had upgraded to a M-77 Paladin or a M-5 Phalanx- anything but the M-3 Predator), "Get down!"

He aimed his gun at the ceiling and fired three shots. He could hear the gunman roll- forcing him to believe that, whoever it was in the shaft, they knew how he shot. He moved his pistol angle so that it would shoot further away and fired. From the way that the person shuddered in their roll, it was clear that the fourth shot hit.

Udina stopped the elevator, looking more panicked than he had the entire time. "Go!" Kaidan shouted to the councilors once the doors opened.

"Damn," Kaidan murmured once he and the councilors were on the balcony. "Cerberus took out the shuttle- seems like they knew where we were going. Everyone back to the elevator! Move!" he ordered.

Kaidan turned around in time to see Garrus lock down the elevator and Shepard point her gun at one of the councilors (he didn't turn around to see which one).

He raised his gun, but went only as far as her left knee. "Shepard? What's going on?"

_This looks bad, _Kaidan thought frantically. _Shepard has us backing into a corner with her gun pointed at a Councilor._

"Shepard's blocking our escape!" Udina exclaimed, breaking into Kaidan's thoughts. "She's with Cerberus."

Kaidan raised his pistol in line with her chest. "Just hang on. I've got this," he instructs, moving in front of Shepard's line of fire. "Everyone just needs to calm down."

Shepard lowered her gun so that the barrel is pointed at the ground. "I can explain this, Kaidan," she practically begged him (while still sounding somewhat-professional and no-nonsensical). She frantically searched his whiskey-colored eyes in the hope that he would have some measure of faith in her.

Even after so long, he was able to tell what she was thinking.

"Come on, Shepard," he drew, sounding suspicious- but not outright damning. "Gun drawn on a Councilor…kinda looks bad."

Okay. Yeah. He had her there.

She completely relaxed and motioned for James and Garrus to lower their guns "We don't have time to negotiate. You've been fooled," she looked at the Tevos and Sparatus before focusing back on Kaidan, "all of you." She was pulling out all of her persuasiveness- if she didn't, there was a chance that only one of the two of them would walk away from the confrontation…both she and Kaidan knew it. "Udina's behind this attack. The Salarian Councilor confirmed it."

"_Please,_" Udina scoffed. "You have no proof- you never do. It's the reason no one believes you."

"Yeah, and see where _that_ go everyone," Garrus huffed loud enough for everyone to hear.

Shepard ignored Garrus. "There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator behind us," she explained, gesturing to said elevator. "If you open that door, they'll kill you all."

Tevos stepped up slowly and said, "We've mistrusted Shepard before…and it did not help us."

"No shit?" James muttered.

"We don't have time to debate this!" Udina snapped. "We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock."

Udina moved from behind Kaidan and Shepard stepped forward, bringing her gun up to point at him in a single step. Kaidan, too, moved- only to put himself between Shepard and Udina, his gun still pointed at Shepard's chest. Again, Shepard lowered her gun.

"Kaidan," she murmured, her eyes pleading with him. "_Please_."


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two: Coup PT3: Choice

**_Author's Note:_****_ In honor of the final ME3 DLC out today, I decided to give you all this chapter early (have no fear, there will be a chapter on Friday as well. Enjoy!_**

* * *

_The debriefing room was deafeningly silent as they all waited for Shepard- who was five minutes late. Never before had Kaidan understood the saying _deafeningly silent_, but he did in that moment. He felt as though everyone's eyes were on him…accusing him._

_He moved his eyes from the floor to his hands and tightened them into fists- trying to rid himself of guilt. He felt responsible- of not for his…relationship (_Is that what it is? Are we a thing?_), Ash might still have been alive and he might have been dead._

_No._

_Shepard didn't make decisions like that (he had to keep repeating that to himself so that he believed it). Alliance protocol stated that a superior officer was always first priority…and Kaidan outranked Ashley. Shepard made the right call according to the Alliance._

_The door to the debriefing room opened to reveal Shepard. To Kaidan, it looked like she was barely holding herself together. Oh, she put up a good enough front (he doubted that anyone else could see the fragility of her façade), but he had spent many hours memorizing her expressions and body language._

_…he hoped that it wasn't as creepy as it sounded in his mind…._

_"Commander," he greeted, rising._

_She looked at him apologetically- her blue eyes begging him to understand (understand _what_, he was unsure). She plastered on a smile that, had Kaidan not known her, looked real enough as she took her seat._

_After taking a few minutes to study her squad, she sighed. "So, Saren got away." She paused, pursing her lips momentarily. "We lost a valuable member of our team today. Ashley Williams was one hell of a soldier and she was a good friend. She gave her life to save the rest of us."_

_"She was a hard person to get to know," Garrus said quietly, staring down at the floor. "Very xenophobic…but she was coming around." He looked up and straight at Shepard. "Even asked me how I kept the Mako so well calibrated."_

_Shepard looked like she was having a hard time swallowing for a moment. It was obvious that she hadn't realized that Ash had been trying to expand her horizons…_

_…because Ash knew that Shepard trusted and respected the aliens on her squad._

_"I even heard her talking to Tali about possible upgrades for Tali's shotgun," Garrus added._

_Liara gave a sad smile. "She talked to Wrex and me about what it was like to live such long lives."_

_Shepard's hand tightened into fists and she closed her eyes. "This is another reason that we need to end Saren as soon as we can. He cannot get away with killing her."_

_Kaidan stared at her silently, forgetting about everyone else in the room. "But why me? Why not her?" he asked quietly._

_She looked at him, startled. "Kaidan, I…this is a discussion that we will have later…in private."_

_…._

_Kaidan paced restlessly in front of the door to Shepard's cabin, and he was receiving more than a few strange looks from soldiers in the mess._

_He was torn._

_Part of him still thought of her as _Commander Shepard_- complete badass and the Alliance's Golden Girl (and who the hell, in their right mind, would question her?). On the other hand, a part of him thought of her as Shepard- a woman who couldn't dance, didn't have an ounce of vanity in her, and who reserved a special smile just for him._

_The door opened and Shepard looked at him with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Lieutenant," she greeted him, "come on in and we can discuss those tactics we were discussing earlier." She nodded to an ensign behind him._

_They walked into her cabin and she activated the lock and muted the comm (both receiving and transmitting. "Kaidan," she nodded for him to speak his mind._

_"Why me, Shepard?" he asked, trying to keep the guilt and accusation from his voice. "Was it because of me- because of _us_?" He grabbed her upper arms and couldn't stop his words. "She was your best friend!"_

_Shepard looked up at him with shocked, teary eyes. "Kaidan, I can explain," she whispered._

_"Really?" He released her arms and paced like a caged tiger. "You and me- _we_- have…something, and Ash is dead. Kind looks bad, don't know you think?"_

_"It wasn't your fault and it wasn't my fault. The only one to blame here is Saren."_

_"Bull shit," he snapped._

_"You were at the bomb site- you're the superior officer-…you took priority." Her tone was persuasive and Kaidan knew it to be a lie- just her way of manipulating people._

_Kaidan did an abrupt about-face and grabbed her arms again. "Quit lying!" he begged. "You don't have to put on this act for me!"_

_A tear fell from her left eye, causing Kaidan to release her quickly. Had he hurt her? What had he done?_

_"I'd never leave you behind…I couldn't." She paused and looked away from him. "For more than one reason. You outranked Ash, you were with the bomb, and, damn it, because you make me feel human, Kaidan! You don't treat me like a god damn idol or soldier- you treat me like another human…like a woman."_

_Kaidan stepped back to her and wiped her tears before taking her into his arms. "I'm sorry," he murmured into her hair. "I'm so sorry."_

_"What would you have done?" she asked him, her voice muffled against his shirt. "If it came down between Ash and me…who would you have saved?"_

_ It wasn't a hard decision. His head and his heart were telling him the same thing._

_"You," he whispered, tightening his arms around her. "I would always choose you- no matter the circumstance."_

_Even if it came between her and his career…._

_…he would always choose her._

* * *

Kaidan stared at Hope the entire time he was thinking. His face went through a wide range of emotions, but he never looked beyond her eyes.

He wondered if she even remembered those words…that promise.

Of course she did.

She wouldn't hold him to that promise, though. She was giving him a chance to make a decision- help her take Udina into custody (to get it all straightened out)…or let her do it.

…To choose _her_ or walk away from everything they had…everything that they might have in the future.

She wouldn't beg him to make a decision- that wasn't her style. No, she did all the begging she ever would when she told him that she could explain what was happening…when she said please. She just needed him to decide what he was going to do.

When Shepard looked at him like that, it was rare that he would refuse. He had already done it once and it very nearly ripped his heart out of his chest. He couldn't do it again.

Damn it.

"I better not regret this," he murmured as he lowered his gun and turns to Udina.

"You won't," she promised as she relaxed her gun arm down to her side.

"Udina," Kaidan says in a no-nonsense voice, "step away from the console and keep your hands where I can see them." He trains his gun on Udina's chest and realizes that it was much easier to hold a gun with the barrel facing Udina than it was with the barrel facing Hope.

"Well, it's good to see where your loyalties lay, Major," he snapped, and begins messing with the terminal to open the elevator doors.

Tevos steps towards Udina- obviously trying to calm the situation- and he pushes her to the ground. Udina pulls out a Paladin pistol from beneath his coat and points it straight at Shepard. "Don't move," Udina warned.

"He's got a gun!" Kaidan said (realizing that he was stating the obvious) and tightened his grip on his own gun.

"You know," Udina said conversationally, "this could have gone so much better if you had stayed with Cerberus, Shepard. We could have been allies, Shepard."

Shepard cocked her head to the side and gave a small half-smile. "Or I could just blow your damn brains out," she offered sweetly. Kaidan saw her grimace that lasted little more than a fraction of a second and that's when he noticed the small puddle of blood on the ground to her right.

That was about the point that he realized that he had shot her when he had shot at the roof of the elevator. Blood trickled out of her right arm, down her armor, and to the ground…and she did nothing to stop it.

"Or you could have taken a little longer curing the Krogan. If you had, we wouldn't be in this little situation."

"Problem with that little plan is that Major Alenko and the other Councilors would be dead, and you would be with Cerberus, in possession of the Citadel. I have a bit of a problem with all of that," she continued just as conversationally

Kaidan could see Udina's finger twitching for the trigger and he looked between Shepard and Udina, trying to figure out what to do. He caught Garrus' eye and had to look away from the harsh condemnation in his eyes.

"You can't stop this, Shepard." He pulled the gun up a little further. "The Council must fall so we can save humanity."

All expression slipped from her face and Kaidan knew that she was anticipating the shot. "We need to save more than just humanity," she informed him.

She wouldn't roll out of the way. Udina didn't know how to shoot and, if she moved, he might hit someone else. Shepard would take a bullet just so no one else would have to.

Kaidan ground his teeth before looking right at Shepard. "I choose you," he said aloud and whipped his gun around and shot Udina.

* * *

_He chooses me? Did I hear him right?_

Kaidan stood with his back to Shepard as he stared in disbelief at the lifeless body of the councilor. When she laid a hand on his shoulder, he tensed under her touch before glancing back at her long enough to realize who she was and relaxed.

"Kaidan?" she murmured, just for his ears.

"I made you a promise," he answered. "I made a promise that I've already broken once. I choose you- no matter the circumstance."

She let her hand fall away from him. "I would never expect you to uphold that- not then and…and definitely not now…not after everything."

"I chose you," he repeated.

"Kaidan-"

"I'm good," he interrupted, still not looking at her.

The elevator door started to open suddenly and Shepard, Kaidan, Garrus, and James all stepped to form a barrier between the people trying to get in and the remaining councilors.

"The door!" Tevos shouted.

Thankfully, when the doors opened, it was just Bailey.

"What the hell, Bailey?" Shepard asked, lowering her gun.

He gave her a tired smile. "It was still pretty damn difficult to get through the halls- even though you killed a good number of Cerberus. Looks like you, uh…took care of things."

Kaidan turned to face Shepard again with suspicion. "You said Cerberus was targeting us…where'd their soldiers go?"

"They beat feet into the Keeper tunnels when they figured out C-Sec was back in control of HQ and we were coming," Bailey explained before looking at the Councilors. "Shepard just saved the lot of you…again."

Bailey and the Councilors talked, but Shepard couldn't stop looking at Kaidan. He was alive….

…he had chosen her.

"Shepard, you're friend Thane is in Huerta…if you want to go see him," Bailey informed her.

She pulled her gaze away from Kaidan and swallowed hard. "I'll…I need transport…I need to go see him right away."

Shepard didn't spare Kaidan another glance as she followed Bailey to a car so that she could see Thane.

…if he wanted to talk to her…he could find her later….


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three: Promises

Shepard had paused long enough to put on a spare pair of BDUs (that she kept in the Spectre office) before she went to the hospital. She would shower when she was back on the Normandy…she just needed to be at the hospital for Thane.

Problem was, like when Kaidan had been brought to Huerta, all she could so was stare at the door. She couldn't stand it- the death, the pain…the loss of her friends.

It never seemed to stop.

"Can I help you?" a doctor asked, looking like he had been working for forty-eight hours in a row and was ready to collapse.

"The drell in that room," she gestured to the room in front of her, "how's he doing?"

The doctor stared at her for a long moment before shaking his head. "I don't know if-"

Sighing, she revealed, "I'm Commander Shepard."

"His son," he began again with no hesitation, "Kolyat is in there saying his last goodbyes. You might want to say yours."

Squaring her shoulders, she marched into the room and then stumbled to a stop at what she saw. Thane was laying on the bed, his labored breaths echoed through the room, and Kolyat stood at the foot of his bed with his head bowed in prayer.

"Thane," she whispered in a broken voice.

Kolyat raised his head and hurried over to her. "Commander Shepard."

"Kolyat…why isn't your father wearing an oxygen mask?"

"He…asked me to take it off so he could be more comfortable." Kolyat blinked both sets of eyelids before whispering, "I don't think that it'll be very long."

She pursed her lips before composing herself enough to say, "I'd like to be here…he was a good friend."

Kolyat nodded. "I think he'd like that."

"Shepard," Thane gasped. "It seems that I won't be joining you again…I'm sorry."

"You have no reason to apologize," she assured him. "You've done more than enough."

Thane struggled between a laugh and a cough. "If that was the…only qualification…-" he broke off into another cough before continuing, "then you would no longer be in this fight."

"Thane-"

"That assassin should be embarrassed," Thane interrupted. "A terminally ill drell managed to stop him from reaching his target."

"I'll pass the word along," she promised, wiping tears from her eyes.

Thane shook his head. "Do not mourn me, Shepard…I was dead long before I met you. It wasn't until I met you that I was able…to cherish what little life I had left. This isn't your fault."

"You didn't have to do it, Thane!" she all but sobbed. "We could have handled it!"

"Your life- and that of the Salarian Councilor- is worth much more than mine,"

"No," she choke out, trying to contain her anger. "No one's life is worth more than another."

Thane simply shook his head. "There is something…I must do before…before I am no longer able. I must-"Thane coughed, breaking off his words, causing Kolyat to bow his head once more.

* * *

Kaidan stood in the doorway and wished that he had a little more courage. He wanted to stand beside of Shepard and comfort her as she dealt with the loss of another friend. This time was almost worse because she was watching him die. Her barely trembling shoulders told him just how much pain she was in.

It wasn't like he came to Huerta for her- at least, that's what he told himself. Kaidan had come to check up on Adria. She wasn't a fighter- she was much too delicate for that.

However, he had caught sight of Hope's flame-red hair disappearing into a hospital room.

He had known that she would see Thane before he died, but never had he thought that she would be so open with her emotions. No one behind her (Kaidan aside) would have been able to tell, but both drell would be able to tell.

"Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depth," Thane wheezed, "I ask forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand-."

When Thane's coughing forced him to break off, Kaidan saw Hopes entire body flinch with each exhalation of Thane's breath as though she feared it to be the last.

"Kalahira," Kolyat said suddenly, "was the sins from this one and set him on the distant shore of infinite spirit." Through Kolyat's words, Thane coughed- desperately gasping for breath.

Thane gasped for breath, fighting for any iota of oxygen. "Kolyat….you speak as the priests do. You have been spending time with them," he stated proudly with a weak smile.

"I brought a prayer book, Commander," Kolyat said quietly as he walked over to her. "Would you join me?"

There was a few moments of silence as she stared painfully at Thane- Kaidan didn't have to see her face to know her expression…the way that she was standing said it all. Finally, she nodded jerkily.

"Kalahira," Kolyat began, holding the book open for Shepard, "this one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention.

She took a stuttering breath before reading, "Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leave," she paused long enough to swipe angrily at her tears and Thane looked beyond her and straight into Kaidan's eyes. That line was for him- Thane wanted him to feel it. After another moment, she continued, "and the hungry never starve. Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you…as she was to me." When Kaidan nodded solemnly, Thane blinked once before looking back to his son and Shepard before rolling over so that his back was to everyone.

Shepard brought her hands to her face and stood silently beside of Kolyat as they mourned. When she moved up to close Thane's eyes, Kaidan made sure to stay out of her sight.

"Kolyat, will you answer a question?"

"Of course Commander."

"Why did the last very say _she_?"

They stared at each other before he said, "The prayer was not for him. He has already asked forgiveness for the lives he has taken." Kolyat bowed his head once more. "His wish was for you."

With a noise that sounded like she was choking, Shepard brought her hands to her face once more and stood there in silence for a few minutes. Finally, she walked forward and laid her forehead on Thane's still arm.

Kaidan almost missed it, but she murmured, "I'm sorry that I wasn't better- wasn't quicker…wasn't deadlier…." She lifted her head enough so that Kaidan could see her grief. "You won't be alone long…I promise."

* * *

Kaidan walked quickly to the room that Adria was supposed to be in and he kept repeating those words that Shepard had promised Thane.

_You won't be alone long._

It was a hundred times worse than her saying that it might be goodbye between the two of them. That way, she would still be alive somewhere- it didn't matter if she was with him or another…at least she would still be alive. But those grief-stricken words meant that she expected to die.

That was unacceptable.

"Damn it," he cursed, lighting up biotically as he slammed a fist into the nearest wall.

A doctor eyed him nervously but didn't say anything. Kaidan was pretty glad- he might have lashed out accidentally (_Temper, temper, _Hope's voice scolded him playfully in his mind). C-Sec would probably have been called and he would have been forced to pull out his _Spectre card._

Sighing, Kaidan walked through a door and smiled gently at Adria- who was clearly distressed. The front of her uniform and her hair was splattered with blood and she was getting a gunshot wound on her arm treated.

Despite the tears leaving marks on her face, she looked good.

That was when he realized that he didn't love her- probably never would…even if he and Shepard never got back together. Any day of the week, Adria was pretty. She always had a bright smile and cheerful words. Problem was, Kaidan hadn't thought that she looked beautiful until she was covered in blood and had a gunshot wound leaking blood from her arm.

Of course, Hope was beyond beautiful when she looked like that- she was stunning and hypnotic. She never looked freaked out when she got shot (the proof laying in the fact that she hadn't even let her pain show when convincing Kaidan to believe her…even while she was leaving a puddle on the ground).

Damn.

"Adria," he said gently, "how'd you get shot?"

She looked up at him with large, watery eyes and sniffled. "We were brought people who had been shot…and one of them turned out to be a Cerberus soldier who'd been living on the Citadel for months!" She flinched as the other doctor applied medi-gel. "She shot me!"

Kaidan gave her a crooked smile. "It'll leave a nice scar."

The look of pure horror sealed the deal for Kaidan. "No!" she gasped.

"Adria, I'm going to be leaving the Citadel soon," he told her.

She looked even more distressed. "You're going to go join the fleet aren't you?"

"No," he assured her. "I'm not going to take Hackett up on his offer."

She wiped her eyes and gave a grateful smile to the other doctor. "Where're you going then?"

He straightened his posture. "I'm going to request a position on the Normandy. Commander Shepard needs all the help she can get."

"You're going to get killed!" she all but wailed.

Kaidan shook his head and walked over to her and cupped her face in his hand and wiped her tears with his thumb. "No. Shepard never leaves anyone behind. I'm probably safest with her than I am anywhere else in this galaxy."

She turned her head and kissed his palm before settling her hand over top of his. "Be safe," she whispered.

Nodding, he leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "I promise."

* * *

**_Author's Note:_****_ This one's a little short because all of my college teachers decided to make ALL my tests THIS week, plus the new DLC (which I highly recommend- it's the funniest DLC I have ever experienced and has a few cute Shenko moments). Please Review! (Oh, and have no fears, there is still more Adria to come- I have a few more things in store for her.)_**


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four: Hurt

_**AN:**** Bioware owns the in-game dialogue I borrowed. Enjoy!**_

* * *

Shepard and Kolyat stood together in the hospital for a long time in silence- he mourning his father and she mourning a friend. For people who had not lived lives as they had lived theirs, there may have been quiet, sympathetic words spoken, but that was not who they were.

Tucking her hair into her hat, Shepard squeezed Kolyat's arm and gave him a small, weak smile. Words escaped her- this was not a situation that required an empowered speech and a call to battle, this required words that she didn't know how to use. She also wanted to apologize…but those words, too, were beyond her. She wanted to express sympathy…but couldn't find the words.

She was just too tired.

"Thank you for being here, Commander," Kolyat murmured.

"If you need anything- absolutely _anything_-…don't hesitate to contact me," she insisted.

Shepard bowed her head and hurried from the room. She needed to be far away from that damn hospital. Nothing good ever came from being required to meet someone in a hospital- at least not according to her track record.

She pressed the elevator call button and waited impatiently for it to arrive (_We manage to master space travel_, she thought bitterly, _and we still can't manage to speed up the damned elevators_). Without thinking, she scratched her right arm and let out a curse as she winced.

"Damn it!"

She was about at the end of what she could handle that day. Between almost getting shot by Udina and Thane's death, she didn't really want to deal with ripping the hastily applied medi-gel off.

But the universe didn't really much care what she wanted and she was left standing there bleeding through her spare BDUs.

"Lia!" a familiar- and annoying- voice chirped from behind her.

Yeah. That was also on the list of what she didn't want to deal with.

Plastering on a semi-acceptable face, she turned around. "Adria, it's so great to see that you're okay."

Was it petty that seeing her covered in blood gave Shepard a sick satisfaction?

"Oh my goodness!" Adria gasped, rushing forward. "You're bleeding. Come on; let's go get you patched up."

"It's not a big deal," Shepard insisted. "It's not going to kill me."

"Lia."

"I'll just have my ship's doctor take care of it when I get back. Worst case scenario, I lose some blood and have to throw out this pair of BDUs."

Adria gave her a disapproving look that was eerily similar to Chakwas' (_They must learn that look in medical school_, she decided). Sighing, Shepard shrugged and nodded her head, following Adria to get all stitched up.

"Were you in the battle?" Adria asked conversationally as she ushered Shepard into an empty room.

Shepard thought hard on how to best answer the question before nodding. "Yeah, I tried to save as many as I could."

"You sound just like Kaidan," Adria said off-handedly as she walked over to some cabinets to get the necessary materials to stitch Shepard up. "I suppose it's true that all of you in the Alliance are a lot alike."

With caution, Shepard pointed out, "All of us have the same basic training."

"Yeah, but then there's the different kinds- biotic, tech, basic soldier, and all the stuff in between. Not to mention all the letters and numbers!"

This was one of the reason Shepard had limited personal interactions with civilians. They didn't grasp the magnitude and amount of pride military personnel had in their jobs. Each letter represented a different code for a vocation in the Alliance- a lot more than _all the letters and numbers._

"The basics never change though," Shepard pointed out.

Adria studied the needle in her hand, staring at it as though it held all the answers- lost in thought. 'What about a family?"

Shepard was lost. "A family?"

"You all train to protect civilians- parents and kids-, but do you ever think of getting married and having kids?" Adria asked, looking genuinely impassioned about the concept.

Joker's broken words filled Shepard's mind: _If I would have followed protocol and orders, you'd've lived and probably be an Admiral and married to Alenko._

She pictured Kaidan in his Alliance blues and a special smile that was reserved for her on his face as she walked down an aisle wearing a ridiculous dress with combat boots on her feet as opposed to heels (it's not like anyone could actually see them).

"Yeah," Shepard admitted quietly. "We're at war now, though. The Alliance needs every soldier."

"And the men?" Adria asked as she began to work on Shepard's arm.

"Relationships are difficult enough…let alone adding in the complication of a relationship with a civilian. Kids are a difficult all their own. Even when we're not at war, relationships and marriages between a marine and civilian usually fail…. War with that same relationship could result in the death of the marine."

"And you're okay with that?"

These were the hard questions that, on a normal day, she could have gotten out of. Sadly, though, this was a day where so many things had happened. So, she told the truth.

"It depends on the day."

* * *

Kaidan stood uneasily outside of the docking tube. Was he really sure that going back aboard the Normandy was the right decision?

He remembered her look of acceptance as Udina held the gun. She didn't even give a flash of nervousness at the potential chance that she may have died.

Or was it more than that?

Sighing, Kaidan entered the docking tube. There, again, he was choosing her.

As if he had any other choice.

Lights began flashing and a siren sounded. "You have entered a restricted zone," the ship's computer informed him in a monotone. "Please state you rank and purpose for the intrusion. Failure to comply will result in a full neutron purge of the docking tube. You have ten seconds to comply.

_Well. Shit._

"Rank: Major, Spectre. Name: Kaidan Michael Alenko. Purpose: a meeting with Commander Shepard."

Snickering filled the tube. "Really? Your middle name is Michael?" Joker snorted.

Relaxing, Kaidan shook his head. "It was my grandfather's middle name. Way to scare me with the neutron purge, by the way."

"It's not really much of a joke when my hand is still hovering over the execution button," Joker informed him, sounding serious. "What do you want with Shepard?"

"I need to talk to her."

"Man, you don't get it. All of her squad- plus me-…we all know that she's not as tough as she makes everyone else think she is. In fact, she's downright soft. There was a time you might have known that too, but you must have forgotten. Problem is that it's truer now that it _ever_ was back on the SR-1." Joker's words were cold- hard.

Truthful.

"Joker-"

"Shut up," Joker snapped. "The Alliance turning their backs on her is one thing- but you are completely different. And, even after she'd been locked up for six months- you still wouldn't believe what she had to say!"

"Joker-"

"Still not done," Joker interrupted. "If you're here to say something that's going to hurt her again, I will gladly push this damn button and record the whole damn thing."

Kaidan was stunned silent. He'd never head Joker sound so serious and sincere about a living, breathing creature- let alone a person. This was a completely different Joker than the one on the SR-1. This was a man devoted to protecting the galaxy's number one necessity: Hope (both the woman and what she represented).

"I don't want to hurt her anymore," Kaidan admitted. "I've put her through enough already."

"You hurt her again…" Joker warned, letting his unspoken threat resonate.

"I'll kill myself," Kaidan supplied.

"It'd be an easier death than if you didn't."

Kaidan nodded his head once and leaned again the wall. "The whole crew'll be out for blood."

Joker remained silent for a minute to let Kaidan realize that that was a fact. "Fifty creds say that the Commander chews you out."

"You're still making bets on Shepard?" Kaidan snorted. "You lost every single one of them you made on the SR-1."

"Call me repetitive, but I'll eventually win one of them someday."

"Make it a hundred and you're on."

"Deal."

* * *

_They were all at their stations, waiting for the XO. Everyone knew Shepard's military past- honored war hero that saved the entire colony of Elysium. She was also a bit camera shy, only a few articles featured a picture (and those were usually of her just out of battle- dirty, bloody, and exhausted-, and probably not a good judge of what she _actually _looked like) and vids were always from a distance, so the quality wasn't great._

_She was also late. _

_Kaidan sat beside the helmsman (_what was his name again? Oh, right, Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau_), waiting impatiently. They had all been instructed to gather at 1300 hours, and it was closing in on 1900 hours._

_Two days later. _

_"Fifty creds say that the Captain tears her a new one," Joker said, glancing over at Kaidan while he waited for the new scenario read outs._

_Kaidan pursed his lips. He thought back on all of his training and tried to remember if there were rules about making bets about superior officers. After a few seconds, he wasn't sure. "Hundred creds and you're on," he declared, holding out his hand and shook Joker's- carefully (he had, after all, read Joker's file and knew about his condition)._

_"You just lost a hundred creds; you do realize that, don't you?" Joker wondered as he studied the results of his last sim. Frowning, he tweaked a few settings and set the scenario to run again._

_Kaidan laughed and looked at the results that had made Joker frown. To him, they seemed perfectly fine. Maybe a degree or two off, but still inside acceptable range._

_Of course, Joker had been doing that the last two days- practically since they stepped foot on the ship. _

_They heard the decon chamber at the same time and had to force themselves not to turn around and watch as the captain went to the airlock to greet their last crew member. _

_"Captain Anderson," she said in way of greeting, her warm, alto voice crisp and precise- you could practically hear the salute in her voice. _

_"Commander Shepard, it's good to see you again," he replied and both of the men knew that Shepard was at parade rest. Kaidan also smirked at Joker. Still nothing about her being late. "You're late," the captain continued which caused Joker to smirk. _

_"The mission went _FUBAR_, sir," she replied, and everyone could hear the exasperation in her voice. "I need to talk to command and convince them that sending me on a stealth recon mission with a helmsman straight out of the academy is a bad idea- kept going on and on about it being his first mission and," her voice took on a sarcastically silly, over-excited 'fan-girl' voice, "_'It's with Commander Shepard- hero of Elysium!'_" She sighed tiredly. "I just want a good, seasoned pilot."_

_Joker waggled his eyes suggestively. He seemed more than willing to be her seasoned pilot. _

_Captain Anderson chuckled. "That bad, Commander?"_

_"Well, the shuttle was practically on fire by the time we made it back aboard the Washington and that was _after_ I had to scrub the mission. I tried to salvage it, but that didn't happen. The _FNG_ didn't seem to understand what a _covert mission_ was." She sighed. "Mission is being reassigned to Brooks in three months unless I'm free."_

_"Good to have you aboard. Since we're here, let me introduce you to two of the crew members," Anderson said. _

_Kaidan jumped to his feet and snapped a salute; meanwhile, Joker slowly got to his feet and gave a salute as well. He finally looked at her._

_She was a small thing- maybe 5 foot 7 (9 at the max) inches tall and thin (muscular, but still thin). With hair that was as red as fire and blue eyes that were deep and intense._

_She was beautiful. _

_He had always imagined her extremely tall, and probably pretty- not beautiful. She was always described as larger than life- apparently completely figurative. _

_Shepard snapped a salute to the two men and nodded. "At ease," she instructed, looking them both over with a look that said that she would miss nothing. _

_"Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau- our _seasoned _pilot," Anderson said with a small grin, gesturing to Joker._

_"Call me Joker," he said in response, taking off his hat and running his left hand through his hair nervously. _

_Shepard shook his hand with a small smile. "I'll have to remember that, and you're going to have to tell me the story of how you got that name."_

_Anderson gestured to Kaidan. "Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko."_

_Shepard studied him carefully, seeming almost surprised at what she saw. Kaidan wasn't quite sure how to analyze her look but, honestly, it didn't matter- she was the XO after all (not to mention the fact that she was _the_ Commander Shepard). _

_She held out her hand and his own engulfed hers. Despite how much smaller her hands were than his, he could still sense the restrained power that was in them. After a moment (almost a moment longer than necessary), she took her hand back. "I read your file, Lieutenant," she said. "You're a biotic- L2."_

_Kaidan tensed. "Yes, ma'am," he confirmed. _

_She nodded. "I look forward to working with you in the field- I've never worked with a biotic on my squad." The way she said it, it almost seemed like she wanted to add, _Should be fun.

_"It's not as exciting as you might think," he stammered, trying to pull his eyes away from her._

_"Bending dark energy to create small mass effect fields with your mind isn't exciting?" she questioned, looking at him seriously._

_It was in that moment that he knew he was feeling something for his commander. Most of his superiors looked at him like he was an aberration of humanity, she just looked merely curious- not awe-struck or frightened. _

_Then again, she was a complete badass and knew how irritating it was when people looked at others in awe or fear because of their abilities. _

_Kaidan laughed and shook his head. "I suppose I'm a bit jaded."_

_Shepard smiled at him- a smile that lit up her entire face- and nodded. "As I said before, I look forward to working with you- both of you."_

_She and the captain turned and walked away. Kaidan and Joker sat down, not quite sure what to think of their XO. "You owe me a hundred creds," was all Kaidan could think to say. _

_Joker looked over at Kaidan with a studious look that almost matched Shepard's in its intensity. "Fine. Just keep your tongue in your mouth next time you're looking at her."_

_Kaidan gave him a dirty look, but otherwise ignored the comment. It wasn't his fault that the new XO looked like one of the sexy military holos he had when he was younger- even despite the fact that she was in regulation uniform and wasn't letting her breasts spill out. _

_"Joker," Anderson's voice said over the comm, "set a course for the Citadel."_

* * *

_I will not drink, _Shepard repeated silently in her head as a mantra as she made her way to the Normandy.

But, oh, how it would solve a bunch of her problems- or, at least, make her forget that she had any problems to begin with. If she drank enough, she might get lucky enough to forget her own name- and, if she could manage to forget her name, she might also forget about the Reapers, and the loss of her friends…and dealing with Adria.

A few times, without thinking, she started towards the bars before she managed to wrangle herself in. She had other duties. She couldn't focus on the loss….

…Though it felt like a dishonor to them.

She would place a plaque with Thane's name on the memorial wall (just like she did with Mordin's), stand silently in front of the wall for a few minutes, and then move on to her next duty.

…As though honoring the memories of her friends was really a duty. No, it was real…real grief and sorrow.

She sat down on a bench in the docking bay, hunched her shoulders, and hid her face in her hands. She wanted to go back in time.

How pathetic was it that she kept thinking that?

Back to a time when she was able to save _everyone_- soldier and civilian alike. Back to when she didn't need people to make sacrifices so that more could live.

But, would she really be willing to lose her experiences on the Normandy? Lose Garrus, her best friend? All the others?

Kaidan? Or, at least, the memories she had of him.

It always came down to those questions.

Sighing, Shepard stood up and replaced her _Commander Shepard_ expression and walked confidently to the Normandy.

Another day. Same questions. Still no answers.

_Story of my life._

* * *

Kaidan looked over as he heard the door to the docking tube open. A small smile made its way onto Shepard's face before it left just as quickly. "Kaidan," she greeted him. "Hey, I wondered where you went." She paused and studied him for a moment. "What's up?"

Straightening up, Kaidan shrugged. "I'm just trying to wrap my head around what just happened," he admitted.

"You sound angry," she murmured, sounding worried as she took a step back.

He hated how she back away from him and repeated the same words that she had on Horizon. He hated how his tone had her bracing for impact.

Stepping away from the wall, he uncrossed his arms. "Not angry," he assured her, "it's just every day you have an armed standoff with someone like you- and then Udina to boot." He began pacing in the limited space. "How it all went down, it's got me…I don't know."

She nodded her head. "Okay, talk to me. Let's have it."

"If I hadn't backed down, could you have shot me?"

"No. I trusted you, and I knew you'd come around. That's all that matters. Main thing is that we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."

"But sometimes the way a thing goes down _does_ matter, Shepard," he insisted, feeling his temper rise. When he saw her take another step back to the point that she was pressed against the wall, he forced himself to cool down a little. "Later, when you have to live with yourself." He looked out the window. "Knowing that you acted with integrity- then it matters."

"You're talking about Udina," she said gently, still not moving towards him. "You think he would have come in quietly? Kaidan, he gave you no choice. You had to take the shot. You acted with integrity. I saw the whole thing."

_You had to take the shot._

No, he didn't really have to take the shot. He had still been unsure about what was happening. No, he took the shot because of the look Hope had had in her eyes.

And, here she was, giving him a way out.

She would never hold it against him that he hadn't believed her- even after everything. After all his words in the hospital- he had almost been willing to let her get shot.

And, damn it, if he wasn't going to let it go.

…for now, anyway.

"All right, thanks." He turned to Shepard and studied her face, drinking in the details- her exhaustion and her hidden pain. "Look, Shepard, there's another reason I'm here."

She flinched. Damn it, she flinched! She was anticipating his words and she fucking _flinched_!

"Oh?" she all but whispered.

"Hackett offered me a position," he informed her, trying to ignore the second flinch, "but I'd turn it down in a second if there was even a chance to join you on the Normandy again."

She blinked rapidly a few times before nodding her head. "Couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you."

"Thank you, Commander," he said. He hesitated for a minute before offering her his hand. She, too, hesitated before taking it (the look in her eyes as surprised at what she saw as when they had first met). "And, Shepard…I need you to know that I will never doubt you again. I meant what I said back there."

_I choose you._

The unspoken three little words hung in the air as they stared at each other, neither taking back their hand. Her small, ghost-smile returned as she nodded her head almost unperceptively.

"Good to know," she said as professionally as she could. "Welcome aboard, Major."

Kaidan saluted her. "Aye, aye, ma'am."

As Kaidan made his way into the airlock, he could practically feel Shepard's eyes on his ass.

Good to know that some things never change.

* * *

_**Author's note: Okay, this chapter was a tad bit longer than I originally anticipated (but, I suppose, it kinda makes up for last week's short chapter). The reason for the length was the flashback section that I've been working on for a while for this very chapter!**_

_**Thank you all for the comments, favs, and follows! **_


	25. Chapter Twenty-Five: Warning

It wasn't like it was his first time to step on the new Normandy- he was perfectly aware that he had escaped from Earth in it. This was different though, more relaxed- tension still ran high, but he could see that the crew was trying to keep calm between the battles. They had the upmost belief that Hope would pull them through. It seemed that her ability to command loyalty was still intact.

Everyone stopped and stared as he walked by with her and he could hear them whispering. Shepard continued on as if she didn't hear them, but he wasn't so delusional to think that she was that oblivious. She was obviously waiting to gauge his reaction.

_He's the superior officer…will he try to take command of the ship? _one person asked his neighbor and Kaidan could feel their eyes on the back of his head.

_You think anyone will follow him if he does?_

_You hear that he held a gun to the Commander? Even after all the Cerberus squads she's blown up, he kept his gun pointed at her!_

Kaidan tried to block out the voices of the crew. He also wanted to answer them.

_No, _he would insist, _the Normandy is her ship; I couldn't take it from her any more than I could have pulled that trigger._

Is that why he had kept it trained on the center of her chest? Because he knew that he couldn't take her life? It didn't matter…except for the look on her face…that changed everything.

Shepard reached around him and pressed the button to call the elevator to the CIC. Her expression was painfully blank- not even he could see beyond the cool mask she had put up. "You can set up shop in the Starboard Observation Lounge." Her expression slipped into a coy expression as she gave him a small smile and said, "I know how strongly you feel about the stars." She shook her head after her words and she slipped back into her blank face.

"_I never thought the stars were very pretty or romantic…they were always just stars- balls of gas or planets…it didn't really matter," she informed him, standing at an observation point in the wards. They had time to kill before she had to visit Anderson and he had stopped to admire the view._

_Even after all the time he'd spent in space, the view still managed to take his breath away…the romance of it all was still ever present. "How could you not think the stars were beautiful as a child- let alone now?"_

"_Born and raised in space, I never had to look up through atmo and imagine seeing and traveling through space- I was living it."_

_He gave her an indulgent smile and shook his head and he longed to reach out and wrap an arm around her waist. "Look beyond all of that, Shepard, and see the beauty of it all." He took a step closer and lowered his voice. "It's okay to let your guard down for a while and appreciate everything around you."_

He hated how easily she was able to mask her emotions. He'd rather her just tell him everything- let him see her anger and tears and joy. He-

"Garrus," Shepard greeted as the elevator opened to reveal the Turian.

"Shepard," he answered, his mandibles twitching enough to indicate a smile. Then his expression turned to Kaidan. "Alenko." His mandibles seemed to be twitching more towards anger, his eyes hostile.

"Commander, Councilor Valern would like to see you on the Citadel," Joker interrupted the uncomfortable situation.

She looked down at her omni-tool and worried her bottom lip. "Okay, tell him I'll meet him in the embassies in about fifteen minutes," she sighed and smiled at Garrus. "Mind doing me a favor, Garrus?"

His eyes narrowed, but everyone present knew that he wouldn't tell her no. "Sure."

"Can you take the Major down to the Starboard lounge and help him unpack? This is Valern and, if he's anything like Mordin…well, I might be a while."

Again, Garrus' mandibles flexed in irritation. "Sure, Shepard. Just make sure to pick me up some dextro-chocolate- that's where I was headed."

She gave him a small smile and turned around and marched through the CIC. Harsh whispers didn't follow her, but appreciative and admiring glances did. Kaidan hated them for looking at her like that. She wasn't a piece of meat or just some idol, she was a human woman who had wants and desires just like all of them.

"C'mon, Alenko," Garrus snapped, stepping fully into the elevator and waiting impatiently for Kaidan to join him.

The ride down to the Crew deck was uncomfortable and strained. Kaidan could have sworn that he could cut the tension with a knife. It had never been like this aboard the original Normandy.

Of course not, he hadn't hurt her back then.

Garrus shoved off the back wall and left Kaidan to follow him to Kaidan's new quarters. Again, the crew stopped what they were doing to stare at him like he was an enemy let into their ranks. He had never been so happy as when the lounge's door opened and they stepped in.

"I'm sure you can unpack your own stuff," Garrus said gruffly and turned to leave. He stopped in the doorway, his shoulders tense. "If it wasn't for her, I'd shoot you and throw you out the airlock," Garrus informed Kaidan matter-of-factly, irritation laced in his voice.

Kaidan turned from the view port and stared at Garrus' back. "I don't blame you for wanting to."

Garrus turned around and stared at him hard. "You didn't see how she was when she was back aboard the Normandy after Horizon. She locked herself in her quarters after dealing with the Illusive Man and wouldn't come out until we reached Illium." He pointed one of his talons into Kaidan's chest. "You broke her."

"I didn't-"

"And, when she came to Menae, it was worse than after Horizon. I watched the helm-vids and I was ready to go to your hospital room and smother you while you slept. Again, it was because of her that I didn't."

"I don't-"

"I'm not done," Garrus informed him, his mandibles twitching in irritation. "After her last visit, it was like you had died. She'll never tell you because she's Shepard, but you not coming back aboard the Normandy after being released damn near devastated her. You are not the only man who desires her. If you want to keep her, you need to quit stringing her along. You have a lot of power over her until you make a decision."

Kaidan wasn't stupid. He knew that other men (and more than a few women) desired Commander Hope Ann Shepard. She was stunning in appearance and in personality. She had the ability to make everyone around her love her and willing to take lives for her- make them willing to give up their own lives for her. He didn't think that he'd ever understand how she was always able to recognize what a person needed most in a moment….then give them just enough so that they could call themselves nothing less than _her_ people. Any member of the crew would gladly shoot Kaidan if she asked or if he continued to hurt her.

They would also join her in her cabin if she asked as well.

People who had once been, or still were, members of her squad would step up to protect her- though she would never know. Everyone demanded that he make a decision on whether he wanted to be with her or not.

Problem was, he didn't know yet.

"I didn't think on Horizon or Mars before I spoke," Kaidan said slowly.

"And that makes it okay? That gives you the _right_ to throw accusations at her? To blame her for things that isn't her fault? To hold a gun on her while you try to figure out if she's lying or not?" Garrus stopped for a moment and then said, "She would have stood there and let you shoot her before she would even raise a gun at you."

Kaidan shook his head. "There is no good excuse for what I did. It will never be okay. I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life."

Garrus took a step forward, looking like he was fighting against murdering Kaidan. "She's more fragile than she lets on, Kaidan. A few years ago, I wouldn't have to tell you that. You would have known because you were always able to see deeper into her than anyone else. The feelings that she hides have always been easy for you to read. A lot of us have gotten a lot better at seeing past the mask she puts on, but you never even had to try!

"But, now, it's questionable if you can see into her like you used to. Even if you do, you still need to hear this. Shepard is working on uniting the galaxy and she is succeeding, but she doesn't have anyone to lean on. She needs someone strong enough to be there for her. Especially now. I don't know if that's you or if it's someone else, but it's true- and it _used_ to be you. I don't completely understand the complexities of a human relationship, but she _deserves _someone strong enough for her.

"Question is: are _you_ still strong enough for her?"

Kaidan stared silently at Garrus for a long moment- completely astounded by Garrus' speech. "Does she know that you're doing this?" Kaidan asked after wrapping his mind around Garrus' words.

"No, and she never will," Garrus warned. "If she knew, I'd probably end up out the airlock."

Kaidan gave a forced smile. "She doesn't much like anyone looking out for her, does she?"

Garrus studied Kaidan for another moment before turning and beginning to leave. He stopped again and turned around enough so that Kaidan could see his eyes. "This is my only warning to you, Kaidan. Hurt her again and you'll be lucky to see another day." Garrus left.

He plopped down on the couch in front of the observation window and rubbed his temples against an oncoming migraine. It seemed like threats were a constant in his life at that point. At this rate, there was going to be a line to kill him if he got out of line again.

Problem was, he was still unsure of which he would go with.

Adria held no threat. Even if he said something that he thought he meant at the time that hurt her, no person would threaten to kill him. She would cry and let him know that she was hurt, but she would get past it.

Hope was a little more difficult. Every friend of hers would try to kill him if he hurt her. She wouldn't just cry in a fight (a _real_ fight) with him. No, she would cuss and scream and, maybe, hit him. She, too, would get past it too if they made up, but he would have the bruises as a reminder. That was just the way she was and he wouldn't change her for the world. She was passionate in every single thing that she did.

He didn't love Adria, probably never would.

…but he didn't know who Hope was anymore….

Kaidan pulled out a datapad and sat down on the couch tiredly.

He needed to finish reading about her time with Cerberus…he had to know everything.


	26. Chapter Twenty-Six: Tired

Shepard was tired.

All she had wanted to do was re-board the Normandy, check her messages, give Joker a heading, take a shower, and take a nap.

But, _that_ didn't happen.

Of course, Kaidan coming back aboard was still up in the air as to whether it was a good thing or not, but she had been called to see Valern before she could even change out of her BDUs and into something that she didn't feel the urge to burn.

So, instead of unwinding after everything, she was trekking _back_ through the Citadel, watching as C-Sec and other emergency crews put out fires, collected the dead, and tended the wounded. She stopped every time she saw that someone needed help and assisted, murmuring condolences or words of strength as she continued on her way.

The things that struck her the hardest was when she found a group of kids huddled into a corner, flinching at every sound- trying not to make eye contact as they looked around the corridor hopefully. She slowly made her way over to them and smiled gently at them. "Hey," she murmured.

An Asari, probably the oldest of the five of them (looking maybe like she was between thirteen and fourteen human years old), gave her a strange look- unsure as to whether she could trust her or not. "Who're you?"

"Commander Shepard," she said, "but you guys can call me Hope."

A small human girl, probably no older than seven, gave her a teary smile. "I like your name," the little girl informed her.

Shepard gave her an appreciative smile. "Where're your parents?"

The Asari pursed her lips as the other's eyes filled with tears. "We don't know."

The youngest of the group- a little human boy who couldn't have been older than three or four- looked at her, confusion evident in his young eyes. He didn't understand- not really. He just kept looking at her with sad, eyes…longing to be united with his parents. Standing up and tapping her comm, she waited.

"Commander?" Joker asked.

"Tell Councilor Valern I'll be a little bit longer, I've got to take care of something."

Joker was quiet for a minute. "Can I tell him what?"

"I've got a group of kids that I need to take to C-Sec. Tell him ETA will be about half an hour."

"Roger."

Shepard smiled at the kids again. "I'm going to take you to a friend of mine, okay? He'll help take care of you until your parents are found."

She looked down in surprise as the little boy tugged on her pant leg and gestured to be picked up. Hesitating for a second, she reach down and picked him up. When in her arms, he buried his face in the crook of her neck. The second to youngest (at probably age 5), a little Turian girl, took her left hand once she had the boy situated on her hip.

Slightly shaken, Shepard began to make her way towards C-Sec with the children following her.

"Are you _really_ Commander Shepard?" the Asari asked suddenly.

"I am."

The kids fell silent for a while. "Do you really fly the Normandy?" a Turian boy (probably about 8) asked.

Shepard let out a small laugh. "No, I have a pilot for that- we call him Joker. I'm in charge of the Normandy- I tell everyone what to do and I tell Joker where to go."

There were various wows. "That's a funny name for a pilot," the little human girl pointed out, holding on to the back of her BDU pant leg.

"He's a funny guy." She gave a small smile and hitched the little boy in her arms a little further up. "He's the best pilot in the galaxy."

The kids all nodded enthusiastically. "And you're the best soldier in the galaxy!" the same little girl exclaimed. "You fight all the bad guys and save everyone."

Shepard closed her eyes and fought to keep the tears back. "I try to," she responded.

They rounded the corner to C-Sec and saw a mob of reporters being held back by a few officers.

God, she was tired.

Straightening her shoulders and adopting her _Commander Stance_ (well, as much as she could with a little boy on her hip with his face buried in her neck and a little Turian girl on her other hand, anyway), she walked forward.

Though the reporters parted as though she was the guy who parted the Red Sea in the Human Bible, they couldn't resist recording. She didn't spare them a second glance, just made sure that all the kids were able to follow her into C-Sec (the officers didn't even hesitate to open the doors- they knew who she was).

"Commander Shepard," Bailey said, surprised to see her.

"Bailey," she greeted. "I found a few kids. They don't know where their parents are, so I figured you guys could help them out."

He looked at the kids crowded around Shepard as though she was the only thing that kept them safe anymore. She smiled reassuringly down at them, letting them know that he was okay.

"I'm sure we can find somewhere for them to stay until we get everything all sorted out," he finally said, nodding towards Shepard.

She squatted and smiled at all the kids. "This is Commander Bailey. He's going to make sure you guys stay safe until C-Sec finds your parents, okay?" The little boy clung tighter to her and she gave him a reassuring hug. "Don't worry, he's a good man. Remember, I fight the bad guys," she whispered and they all giggled.

Before the little boy let go, he looked up at her and gave her a tight hug. She remained squatting as the ten kids came up to her and each gave her a hug that was worth so much more than any medal could ever be. Finally, the Asari gave her a hug. "Thank you, Hope," she whispered.

It was all she could do to fight tears as Bailey led them away from her. She remained squatted for a few minutes before standing and fixing her _Commander Stance_. She had a meeting with Valern after all.

The doors opened and it seemed that the reporters would have surged forward had it not been for the officers holding them back.

She was tired.

* * *

Kaidan turned on the news and was shocked to see that the headline was about Shepard.

"_This is Reporter Marina Sanchez with the Citadel News Network. Currently, I am outside of C-Sec Headquarters where Commander Shepard, Human Spectre and Alliance N7 marine, entered just ten minutes ago with a group of kids," _the reporter stated, pictures showing up on the screen.

In her arms was a young boy, held protectively against her chest, his head buried in her neck. From the look on her face, if someone was to look past the cool professionalism, she would gladly snap the neck of anyone who tried to take or bother the kids surrounding her- especially that little boy. Kaidan saw her glance down at him a few times.

She looked like a momma lion- deceptively calm…but she would have gladly killed them all if they messed with the cubs.

Something about that look on her face with that little boy in her arms had Kaidan yearning to run and meet her on the Citadel.

The footage came back on live as the doors to C-Sec opened to reveal Shepard without the kids.

"_Commander Shepard,"_ they all shouted out, their questions blending into unrecognizable words.

Finally, since she couldn't get through the crowd, she raised a hand and Kaidan could tell that she was surprised when they all fell silent. "_One at a time,"_ she ordered, looking around the area.

"_Commander Shepard, who were those kids?"_

"_They don't know where their parents are. Until that is sorted out, they will be remaining at C-Sec in order to be cared for,"_ she explained. She was well composed, and looked stunning despite her rumpled, stained BDUs and messy hair.

Another spoke up. "_Do you believe that their parents were killed when Cerberus invaded the Citadel?"_

"_It isn't my place to make speculations. It is my deepest hope that they were not, but, if they were, I will make sure that C-Sec finds the kids proper homes."_

They all remained silent for a minute and it seemed they were all waiting for another to ask a question that was on all of their minds. Finally, someone asked_, "You seemed perfectly comfortable with a child in your arms, another on your hand, and more surrounding you. Do you intend on having children if the Reaper's are defeated?"_

Kaidan held his breath, as eager as the reporters to know her answer.

"_I have no doubt that the Reaper's will be defeated,"_ she corrected them.

"_Do you intend on having children after the War?"_

Shepard hesitated almost unperceptively. Kaidan could see her try to come up with a noncommittal way to answer the question. As the camera zoomed in, he could see her exhaustion etched into her face, barely noticeable.

"_I don't know what my future will hold when the Reaper's are defeated. I have no immediate plans to get married and have children and I intend to stay with the Alliance and the Spectres until long after retirement age," _she chuckled, causing the reporters all to chuckle as well.

Kaidan hated her answer, for it hadn't been an answer at all. She had skirted it entirely- as she normally did. She kept so much to herself- kept so much of herself to herself…if that made any sense at all.

"_Now, if that's all, I have a meeting with Councilor Valern that I have already postponed once,"_ she informed them.

As she walked through the crowd, they parted before her, giving her a straight path through. She gave a small nod and made her way through, walking with perfect military precision.

She was beautiful.

"_And there you have it, folks- Commander Shepard: soldier, hero, savior, and protector. Until next time, this is Marina Sanchez with Citadel News."_

Kaidan stared at the screen and frowned.

Her answer shouldn't have bothered him- he hadn't made up his mind about what to do.

….

…at least not consciously.

Even he didn't believe that anymore.

* * *

Shepard was tired.

As she made her way to Citadel tower, the reporter's question kept repeating in her mind…the same as Adria's had.

"_You all train to protect civilians- parents and kids-, but do you ever think of getting married and having kids?" Adria had asked._

Did she ever think of getting married and having kids?

_Once, _a small voice answered.

_What happened? _Another asked.

_I died,_ the small voice whispered.

"_If I would have followed protocol and orders, you'd've lived and probably be an Admiral and married to Alenko," _Joker's voice whispered across her mind.

She stopped and leaned against a railing, shaking her head. She didn't want to think about all of this. She just wanted to meet with Valern and then take a nap.

She was tired.

"_Do you intend on having children after the War?"_

Having a child was not something that she had ever thought too hard about…not really. Oh, she had once thought of having little Shenko babies (yeah, she had done the lame thing and smashed her and Kaidan's last names together…she tried not to think about how girly and un-soldier-like it really was) back on the SR-1. But, what did she know about babies? She had never been exposed to them when she was growing up and she was the only child of two well-respected marines. It wasn't until she and Kaidan had decided to actually have a relationship that she even remotely entertained the idea of having children.

And, at the point that she was at, could she even remotely consider the possibility about e_ventually_ having children?

No. Not really.

Still, having a child in her arms had felt right. Apparently there really was an ingrained maternal instinct imbedded in a woman's DNA.

It didn't matter. She had a war to end and a Councilor to meet with.

Plus…it wasn't like her and Kaidan (or her and _anyone_ for that matter) were in a close enough relationship to be making babies.

With a sigh, she straightened her stance and went for her meeting with Valern.

Sober, unfortunately.


	27. Chapter Twenty-Seven: Reaction

_**AN: This was originally going to be tacked onto the last chapter, but I kept tweaking it and I wasn't thrilled with it by the time the last chapter went out. This is the final chapter that'll be of them still at dock on the Citadel after the Coup attempt- I promise!**_

* * *

Shepard leaned tiredly on the wall in the airlock, anxiously awaiting laying down in her bed for a long nights rest- or, at least, a nap- after plotting a course to…well…she'd have to check her messages to see if there was anything _absolutely_ dire that needed _immediate_ attention.

While she appreciated the Council's gratitude in revealing Udina's plot, they could have cut their gratitude short by a few hours. As it was, it was closing in on, around, 2200 hours (and she had arrived at the Council Chambers at about 1700 hours).

As soon as the doors opened, James gave her a wide grin that let her know that he had been waiting for her. She straightened up and replaced her exhausted look with one of flirtation- she couldn't help herself, it was just something she did automatically with James.

"You waiting for someone, James?" she taunted, giving him a look that screamed predatory.

He looked her up and down with a hungry expression that said it all. "Yeah, and she finally arrived," he smirked, letting his eyes linger on her chest and then moved up to linger on her lips.

Had it been another time or had he been someone else, she might have reprimanded him, but, it wasn't another time and he wasn't someone else. Who was really going to enforce fraternization rules (not that she was going to go that far…maybe)?

Plus, she wasn't in a relationship with anyone.

He was like a nice place to breathe. He had the utmost respect for her, but he didn't treat her different just because of her name, rank, and history. To him (when they weren't in battle) she was just Lola.

She walked slowly to him, letting her hips sashay in a way that had his eyes moving down to them. She stopped right in front of him and tilted her head back with a small smile. "Oh yeah?"

James placed a large hand on her hip and another on the side of her neck and smirked. "Pretty little thing," he murmured. "Looks like she could be broken in half, but her looks are deceptive. She's been known to put Krogan in their place."

"Sounds like a real hardass," she laughed, leaning in closer to him.

James lowered his voice where it seemed like nothing more than a rumble. "You looked pretty hot with a _bebé_ in your arms, Lola"

Shepard felt her face light up bright red as she floundered for a response. Finally, she decided on a smartass response. "Oh yeah? You wanna help me make my own?" she purred.

Flustered, James turned red and stuttered, trying to find the right words. With a laugh, she patted him on the arm and made her way to her terminal so she could get that over with and she could get to bed.

She was exhausted.

* * *

Kaidan felt his nails digging into his palms as he watched the surveillance vid of the airlock. He had half a mind to throw Vega out the damn airlock once they were in space. What right did that man have to look at Hope like that?

To speak to her like that?

To _touch_ her like that?

She was so much more than a toy to be flirted with.

Kaidan heard the shattering of glass and looked over to see coffee running down the wall across the room. Apparently he had inadvertently, biotically thrown his cup of coffee.

Why was he so pissed?

Was it because he wished that he could be like that with her? Because he had never been that open and forward with her? Was it because she had flirted back? Because she had that look of fire in her eyes that he had missed seeing?

Was it because he just didn't like any other man being so close to her?

What right did he have to think that?

He had yet to decide what he was going to do about them.

Yeah.

Right.

Gritting his teeth, he cleaned up his mess, throwing the glass in the non-composting bin in his room. He stared at the stain with contempt- as though it was at fault for all of the problems in his life.

Of course, Vega had been right…to a degree.

She had looked good with a baby in her arms.

Kaidan would never have said that she looked _hot_. No, she had looked radiant, stunning, _maternal_. She had looked the part of a mother.

Of course, given her place and interactions with the crew on the Normandy (at least the original one, he hadn't seen much of her interactions on the SR-2 yet), she was already, very much, like a mother.

She went out of her way to protect and provide what she could for her crew and squad. She would always stop whatever she was doing if someone needed an ear and she was always available when someone needed some advice and, if she didn't have it, she was perfectly willing to find someone who had it so that she could pass it along.

Yeah.

He was a goner.

* * *

She woke up, her chest heaving and tears threatening to escape. It felt as though she couldn't breathe. It was always the same after a nightmare starring the little boy from Earth.

Rolling out of bed, she checked to make sure she was decent (she didn't quite remember what she had put on before falling into bed at midnight), and was pleased that she had, at least, managed to pull on a pair of N7 lounge pants and a N7 tank-top.

She, however, was no please when she glanced over at her alarm clock and saw that it was a little after 0100 hours; meaning she had gotten a little less than an hour's worth of sleep.

Grabbing her N7 jacket and slipping on her combat boots (she didn't bother tying them), she decided to head down to the Mess to get a cup of coffee and completely read the mission brief for Eden Prime before they arrived in six hours.

* * *

Groaning, Kaidan looked at his omni-tool to tell him the time.

Closing in on 0200 hours.

And he was awake.

With a sigh, Kaidan slipped on a pair of workout pants and an old Alliance training shirt and made his way to the Mess (wasn't any point in getting completely dressed in his BDUs since the nightshift personnel were the only ones up and they would all be at their posts). He needed a cup of hot tea and maybe a small snack so that he could get back to sleep.

As per his usual way, he scanned the area and spotted someone with their head half buried in their arms with a datapad in their hand in a dark corner of the mess. Straightening his shoulders, he put on his _Major Face_ and marched over to the person, planning on giving them a good dress down for falling asleep while on duty. If they had been so tired, they should never have sat down to do their reading.

When he got close enough to realize it was Shepard, he felt himself drop any semblance of Alliance formality. He had known that she looked exhausted, but he had assumed that she had gone up to her cabin after she boarded the Normandy. Her cup of tea was still pretty warm, so she had been awake relatively recently, looking over some kind of mission report, or another.

Kaidan pulled the datapad from her hand and laid it aside. She murmured something in her sleep and her eyes fluttered. He gently reached out and cupped the side of her face and she turned her face into it. He could feel her slow, warm breaths on his palm. He could feel the sleep-induced words on his hand but didn't bother to try to figure out what she was saying.

Those were her secrets and he had no right to them.

Not anymore.

That thought had his heart clenching and his stomach revolting. He pushed back some of the short red hair (it felt no different than it had aboard the SR-1) that had fallen in her face and smiled at her frown and the seemingly, angrier mutters. After a few moments, she relaxed again, not moving her face from his hand.

He had been an ass.

He nodded and carefully picked her up, holding her cradled in his arms like one might expect someone to hold a newborn. She was so light in his arms and he realized that, if anything, she had lost weight since their tour together on the SR-1. Whether in armor or not, she had never been so light and that worried Kaidan (she had never been heavy). She buried her face in his arm and again murmured something that he didn't quite catch.

"Come on, Hope, let's take you to bed," he murmured quietly as he took the elevator up to her quarters.

As he walked in, he marveled at all of her model ships and even at the size of her aquarium. He carried her gently over to her huge bed and laid her down as carefully as he could. She frowned and muttered something again.

He wished that they were still close enough that he might have been able to stay with her. A part of him told him to stay anyway- she looked like she was having nightmares. He watched as she twitched anxiously in her sleep and her hands clenched into tight fists.

He couldn't stay.

Kaidan walked back up to exit and then hesitated and turned around. She was practically crying out from her nightmare. He felt his own fists clench and looked over at her desk when one of her holos activated.

His heart might as well have stopped.

There was a holo of him from years ago…back on the SR-1. It wasn't a particularly good picture of him- he had had so many better ones…but it had been taken after the Battle of the Citadel.

He picked it up and felt his jaw clench.

Yeah. He had been….was _being_ an ass.

Kaidan made his way down to her living area again and carefully (fearfully) sat down so his back was against the headboard and his feet were on the bed and gently touched her arm. She struggled for a few minutes before relaxing. It wasn't long before she was peacefully asleep. He sat there for a long time before getting up, making sure she was still peaceful, and headed back down to his room.

He had decided.

* * *

Shepard woke up and was surprised to find herself in her bed. She was pretty sure that she had fallen asleep in the Mess while reading the mission brief on the Prothean Artifact on Eden Prime. She was pretty sure that she hadn't even made it half way through her cup of tea before her exhaustion had finally overtaken her again.

There was no memory that she had that explained how she had ended up back in her bed.

Also, for a while, there had been no nightmares.

Her dreams had been of a certain Major that she had every intention of ignoring or, at the very least, not spend a lot of time around. But, her dreams had conjured him up and included him murmuring apologies and calling her by her dreaded name.

She slowly got out of bed and slipped on her usual, casual, outfit on pants, a tank, and her N7 jacket with her combat boots and headed down to the mess. Maybe there was a clue as to what happened down there.

* * *

He hadn't gotten very much sleep. He had stayed with Shepard for, maybe, three hours, and then finally went back to his room and had gotten maybe another hour asleep. The entire time, though, both his thoughts and dreams, had been full of her.

Sighing, he made his way to the mess hall and literally ran right into Shepard as she walked out of the elevator and to the memorial wall. He gripped her waist to steady her and felt her breath hitch.

"Kaidan," she greeted him, sounding surprised.

"Shepard," he murmured, looking down at her, his eyes looking over the entirety of her face- searching for…something.

Her right hand rested on his bicep as she looked at him, her eyes seemingly pale due to her tiredness (though not nearly to the extent that she had been the previous night). He realized that he still gripped her hips and let her go (as much as he hated to), and was surprised when she didn't let go of him. She looked at the memorial wall and seemed to shrink even further. Had he been anyone else (and had she been more rested) she would never have allowed this side of her to be seen.

"You need to get some more sleep," Kaidan said sternly.

She refused to look away from the memorial wall. "I have to put his name on the wall. He deserves to be given something. He died to save Valern."

Without thinking, Kaidan rested his hand on her own (the one that was on his bicep) and shook his head when she looked at him. "No. Thane didn't die to save Valern- he died to save _you_."

Shepard looked up at him with eyes that screamed that she was lost. He realized that that fire he had seen in her eyes when she was talking with Vega was as fake as Udina had been. Garrus had been right.

She was exhausted and needed someone to lean on- someone to help take the burden of the galaxy off of her shoulder. Someone to hold her when she needed it, to fight her, and to love her.

And he wanted it to be him.

"Second person lost in as many missions," she murmured, running her fingers over the engraving of Thane's name. "How many more will be lost because I'm not good enough?"

It was clear that she didn't expect (or want) an answer, but he had one to give.

"You're more than good enough- you're one of the best." He ignored her scoff. "You are the single person in the galaxy who has the ability to _unite _the galaxy."

"I'm not worth the death of those who are my friends and who've served under me."

"You've already saved trillions of lives- how many more will survive because you live? The simple cold, hard truth is that some lives are worth more than others…and you're one of those lives," he murmured. "Any single person on this ship would give their lives to save yours so that you might accomplish what no other could," he explained, feeling as though the words were ripped right from his soul.

She squeezed his bicep and gave him a small smile. "I don't agree with you and I don't believe you, but thank you."

As she made to let go, he tightened his grip on her hand slightly. "None of this is your fault."

Her eyes studied his face and she nodded her head. After he let go, she placed the plaque on the Memorial Wall. She bowed her head and brought her hands together. Kaidan knew that she wasn't particularly religious, but he believed that she said a silent prayer to Thane's gods…or maybe she was just sending a silent apology out into the universe in the hopes that Thane's soul might hear.

After her moment of silence, she straightened her spine and most of the evidence of her sadness disappeared. She was in her _Commander mode._

It was time for her to get back to work.

* * *

_**AN: A little more feels, just like the last chapter. Thanks for everyone who favorited, followed, and commented! I love getting them (it makes my day a whole lot brighter)! I'm always open to suggestions and criticism! Let me know!**_


	28. Chapter Twenty-Eight: Elysium

Kaidan opened his messages and saw that there was a message from an unknown sender with the subject line simply saying: **_Elysium Shoreleave- 2176._** That was the year that the Batarian's had instigated the Skyllian Blitz…and lost.

The year that Shepard had proven how much of hero she was and would become.

Without hesitating, he opened the message and realized that it was a chapter in a biography about Hope.

He couldn't resist.

* * *

_She could count on one finger how many times in her four years with the Alliance when she'd been on shore leave for her birthday- and it was for her twenty-second birthday that she had been given that privilege. As it was, the location of the leave wasn't bad._

_Elysium._

_Shepard had seen the ads for the colony which assured that colonists lived a perfectly normal, happy life in Humanity's oldest colony. People flocked to the world every year._

_While she couldn't ever see herself settling down on some colony planet out in the Skyllian Verge (or anywhere, honestly), she could appreciate it's beauty for her three days off._

_"Lieutenant Shepard," a sharp voice called out._

_Recognizing the voice as the captain, she snapped to attention and threw up a salute. "Sir!"_

_The man stepped in front of her and chuckled. "At ease, Shepard." After she lowered her salute, he handed her a pistol. At her confused expression, he explained, "Expect the unexpected- never go unarmed."_

_She took the pistol and examined it._

_It was an Edge- manufactured by Elkoss Combine. It was light in her hands and a little more powerful than the standard pistol she kept in her arsenal- what with her preferring assault rifles and sniper rifles._

_"Thank you, sir. I'll return it to you as soon as I return from leave," she assured him._

_He shook his head. "Keep it- call it an early birthday present."_

_Shepard felt her jaw drop, but saluted the captain none-the-less and headed down to the shuttle bay with her bag and new pistol._

_"What'd the captain want?" Lieutenant Jeremy Black- her boyfriend- asked._

_Smirking, she hopped into the shuttle. "Told me to keep you boys under control- said he wouldn't bail any of you out of jail."_

_Jer chuckled and rested a hand on her hip. "You got everything?" he asked quietly in her ear._

_She banged on the door to indicate they were ready to lift off. "Let's hit it! We're wasting time!"_

_Hope was dressed in a simple white dress that fell down past her ankles and white heels, drinking tea while the others got completely wasted at the best bar in Illyria. Jer had his arm firmly around her waist and she continuously found that his eyes kept drifting down to the cleavage that was peeking out thanks to the design of the dress._

_"You wanna to count down?" Jer slurred, leaning in further._

_"For what?"_

_He gestured to the clock and it showed that it was a minute to midnight. She shook her head. "Aw, c'mon, Hope," he murmured, the alcohol practically radiating from his breath. "We're gonna count down."_

_"Jer-"_

_"C'mon, ever'body! We're gonna sing to the beau'iful Hope Shepard!" At thirty seconds to midnight, he began. "Happy birthday to you!" he shouted out and the others joined him. It took every ounce of willpower not to blush and to not feel the urge to slink down in her chair. "Happy birthday, dear Ho-ope," the crowd all shouted. At midnight exactly, they all concluded, "Happy birthday to-"_

_The entire bar seemed to shake as the sky lit up outside. Without thinking, Shepard hopped off of her stool (leaving the heels behind) and ran outside. There was a ship unloading countless amounts of pirates- mostly Batarian._

_She lifted her dress enough to pull her pistol from her thigh holster and then turned around to the bar. This was no longer leave- they were now on emergency call. "Lieutenants Black, Mikals, and Ridge!" she barked out. "Go building to building and get everyone to the Alliance bunker at the back of the city!" She turned her attention to the four corporals. "You four- go straight to the bunker, gathering everyone you see on the way, and contact Alliance Command. Tell them Code Red- Elysium is under attack from Batarian Pirates."_

_This was one of the times that she was really glad that she hadn't drank- despite it being her birthday. She was also pretty happy that the captain had given her a pistol and that she had thought to hide it under her dress._

_With a sad look at the dress, she sighed and ripped it so that her legs were free. She ran to face the pirates head on. She had to give her team time to protect the civilians and she and she had to help what support she had._

_She shot and killed five pirates before she found a few men hunkered down. They weren't Alliance- just standard colonial security. They gave her a strange look when she dove into cover with them._

_"Sitrep," she barked out._

_"Excuse me? What the hell do you think you're doing?" a guy- probably her age- demanded._

_Oh. _

_Right. _

_The dress._

_"Lieutenant Shepard, Alliance Navy," she informed them, leaning out of cover to take out an incoming pirate. "This wasn't quite how I planned to spend my shore leave, let me tell you." A shot pierced through her shields and grazed her shoulder. Gritting her teeth, she ducked back into cover. "So, I repeat: _sitrep_."_

_"Hell if we know! One minute we're sitting around playing cards, and the next…well…shit was on fire!" a slightly older guy explained._

_Shepard thought about the situation. "Number of ships?"_

_"Two…that we've seen. Probably about a hundred fifty pirates so far."_

_"Amount of security available in Illyria?"_

_All four of the men that were there looked at each other. "All shifts…thirty."_

_Shepard tapped a few things into her omni-tool. "Okay, I need you to call them all here. We need every person who is trained to fire a gun here to help defend this point. What they're going to do is enter through there," she gestured to the place where they had all been coming through, "and try to make their way through the center of town and capture or kill anyone they see. This place is defensible if we have enough men."_

_As the men began to message all of the security, Shepard opened the comm to all Alliance channels. "Attention, this is Lieutenant Shepard with the SSV Agnora. I need every serviceman to report to my location- armed. Bring extra weapons and thermal clips as well as medi-gel. I want every damn thing that is in the bunker. Four officers need to stay with the civilians for their security and to keep them calm," she ordered, pulling out her best command voice. "If you see any civilians on your way to my position, direct them to the bunker. We do not need any civilians playing hero. Shepard out."_

_"ETA is ten minutes, Lieutenant," a voice came over the comm after a few minutes._

_She gritted her teeth and took out another pirate. "Double time it!" she ordered into her comm as she narrowly missed a bullet._

_She and the other men shot every pirate they could and were running low on clips when a huge group of people came into sight. She ran over to them and gestured for them to go into a side street, being handed an AR and a few clips._

_"Snipers, I want posts on either side of that choke point." When they continued to stare at her, she snapped, "I want it five fucking minutes ago!" _

_As they scurried away, she took a deep breath. "I want biotics at every point on the field. I want you guys boosting shields for the ground soldiers and infusing biotics with ammo for the snipers. At least ten of you…I want you to create as strong of singularities as you can at that choke point._

_"Techs…I need you guys anywhere you feel comfortable- overloading shields. You guys are the best at disabling defenses and we need that. I want the field to be covered in combat and defensive drones as well as turrets. Go!_

_"The rest of you, we are the barrier. I want you in any place you can find cover taking out every god damned pirate that you can." She opened up the comm signal again so that everyone on the colony could hear her. "We _**will**_ hold this position until reinforcements arrive," she informed them. "_**We**_ are what's standing between these bastards and the civilians. We will not let them push us back and we _**will not**_ lose this colony. We stand together!"_

_She heard everyone let out a battle cry as she closed the comm. She had been surprised that she had said those things- that everyone had listened to her. Surely there had been someone higher ranking than her to take charge. Apparently it didn't matter._

_She dove back into her spot and the four men gave her nods of approval. She unfolded her AR and sighted down on the choke point and was pleased to see the massive amount of singularities as well as more than a few turrets. It was a source of great pleasure when the pirates fell without anyone having to fire a shot._

_The battle lasted for hours- the sun had risen and fallen by the time the pirate's began to dwindle in number. She didn't hesitate, she didn't stop…she couldn't._

_She was ready to fall over from exhaustion, but she couldn't stop. She had civilians to protect and she had been the one to organize the soldiers and security (and, she was pretty sure, a few civilians)._

_Shepard had been forced to send her reinforcements back to the bunker- the Biotics were close to useless after using their powers for so long (and they had ran out of energy bars) and there was so little ammo left. She was determined to save everyone she could and she couldn't do that if they ran out of ammo._

_"This is the SSV Agincourt," a man said from over the comm. "Who's in charge down there?"_

_Well…fuck it._

_"This is Lieutenant Shepard with the SSV Agnora."_

_There was silence for a moment. "We're here to help. We've sent down ground troops and we'll be bombing the ships from orbit."_

_"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that, sir," she gasped as she was hit in the side. "Damn!" she cursed under her breath._

_Her dress had long since lost any resemblance to the pretty white dress she had put on. Between dirt, gunpowder and oil, and blood…well…it could barely be called white anymore. Her hair had fallen from the up-do she had done and the former curls were plastered to her face and neck. Her feet were coated in the rich dirt of Elysium and she was running on fumes._

_The only thing that she was truly thankful for was that she had had the pistol on her person._

_If it wasn't against the rules, she might have kissed the captain…and she was still thinking pretty strongly about doing it anyway._

_She turned her comm to reach the others under her command. "We have Alliance ships in orbit!" she informed them, trying not to sound like she was about to collapse._

_"Do you want us to send backup to your position?" someone asked._

_ "Hold your positions!" she ordered over the comms. "Unless you found a magical hidden stash of ammo, stay where you are and use what ammo you have to protect the civilians. Those are your orders!"_

_She'd be damn if she lost a man at this point._

_She worked to kill every single pirate in sight._

_And, she accomplished her goal._

_Shepard held her position for a good fifteen minutes after she had killed the last pirate when a group of Alliance soldiers exited a shuttle, an older gentleman in front with Hackett by his side. He surveyed the fallen pirates and looked around, trying to find those responsible._

_"Lieutenant Shepard!" he barked out._

_She forced herself onto her shaking legs (she had had nothing to eat- leaving what food they had for those with Biotics and the others) and stumbled forward. For the first time in as long as she could remember, her salute was not crisp and her shoulders were not straight and firm. She was never more grateful when everyone returned the salute and she was able to drop it._

_"Where're your men, Hope?" Hackett asked quietly, looking around._

_She wiped her hands on her tattered dress. "I sent them back to the bunker when we realized we were running low on ammo and the Biotics were flagging."_

_The man (who was obviously in charge) asked, "So…who helped you here?"_

_"No one, sir," she informed him. "I was either going to kill all of them or I was going to die trying."_

_"Steven," the man said after a moment, "escort the Lieutenant up to the Medbay of the Agincourt. See that she gets her wounds treated, fed, and-"_

_"No."_

_"Excuse me?"_

_Shepard squared her shoulders and pushed away every ounce of exhaustion and looked the Admiral (she had gathered her senses enough to realize that this was the Fleet Admiral) straight in the eye. "_No_. My duty is not done, sir. I need to go back to the bunker and check on the men that were under my command and assure that none of the civilians came to too much harm."_

_The Admiral stared at her hard for a long moment and then looked at Hackett. When Hackett gave a small, amused smile, he nodded his head._

_"Then you will escort me to your charge, Lieutenant."_

_"Aye-aye, sir."_

_Hackett touched her arm gently and, without any preamble, simply said, "Happy birthday, Hope."_

_Shepard nodded her head once._

_Well, at least is was a birthday to remember._

* * *

Kaidan stared at the end of the chapter and realized that he had a small smile on his lips.

Yeah.

She hadn't changed much.

"ETA to Eden Prime if five minutes," Joker announced ship-wide.

Kaidan nodded his head and closed the message. He was going to watch this mission- watch _Hope_- from the helm-vid.

* * *

**_Author Note:_****_ Okay, this is for Shepard's birthday today. In honor of that, instead of it magically being Hope's birthday all of a sudden, I added this about one of her _****_past_****_ birthdays. It doesn't quite move the story forward, but…hey, that's okay._**

**_Have no fear, a new chapter will be up tomorrow as is normal!_**

**_BTW: the dress that I used as inspiration for Shep's birthday dress can be found at pix/xiaobeili/conew_qm006-wt_.jpg if anyone is interested. I don't know if anyone will be...but...it makes me feel better to offer the choice!_**

**_:D_**


	29. Chapter Twenty-Nine: Gravity

Kaidan slowly made his way up to the helm as the shuttle departed the Normandy. He nodded to the suspicious crew and opened the doors to the helm and had his pistol in his hands in an instant, pointed at the metallic bitch with her hand on Joker's shoulder.

"Back up!" he ordered it. When the robot looked up at him, he tightened his hands around his pistol. "Last time," he warned. "Back. Up."

The robot regarded him with surprise. "Good afternoon, Major Alenko," it said as though it didn't have a gun trained on her chest.

"Oh, shit!" Joker said suddenly, spinning around. "No. This isn't that Doctor Eva chick, Kaidan! This is EDI!"

Kaidan kept his pistol trained on the robot's chest and frowned slightly. "This is definitely the thing that sent me to the hospital."

Joker sighed and shook his head. "EDI is in the body of the robot that kicked your ass. She's not a threat to you or anyone on this ship."

He narrowed his eyes as the robot remained perfectly still. "You sure?"

"I would sacrifice myself for the life of anyone aboard this ship," EDI informed him kindly.

Kaidan pursed his lips and then nodded, slowly putting his pistol back onto his side. "Is everything from the…former owner…of the body gone?"

"I assure you, Major, I am alone in the possession of this body." She looked at Joker and nodded before exiting the helm without a spare glace at Kaidan.

Kaidan slowly made his way to the co-pilot chair and eased himself into it as Joker smirked at him and said, with a bit of taunting in his voice, "_That's_ my co-pilot."

Without skipping a beat, Kaidan fell back into their old manners aboard the SR-1 and said, "Well, I guess since you can't get a r_eal _woman, an AI is a good substitute."

"Damn!" Joker chuckled, adjusting the screens in front of him and sent one of them over to Kaidan (the one that he knew that the other man would want. "Still better than you, though. At least I _have_ a woman."

Kaidan forced a laugh. "If you call a _program_ a woman, sure."

"You've been practicing, haven't you?" Joker cackled.

"You _do _realize that you pressed into my private comms when you started your jokes, right?" Shepard's voice informed them over the comm.

Joker about fell out of his chair laughing at the look of horrification on Kaidan's face. "Sorry, Commander. You've got to admit, though, the Major has improved in his smart-assery."

Shepard chuckled over the comm. "Just what I need- another smart ass aboard my ship. Between you, Garrus, and James, I don't think I could handle another one."

"You forgot one," Kaidan said suddenly, not thinking before the words came out of his mouth.

"Oh?" she sounded vaguely curious.

Kaidan smirked at Joker. "Yeah- yourself."

That sent Joker into a violent fit of laughter- clutching his ribs. "One point Alenko, Zero Shepard," Joker managed between fits of laughter.

Shepard was silently for a long time and Kaidan began to get nervous. "You're only saying that because you can't think of anything that clever when we're face-to-face," she informed him.

"Damn!"

* * *

This was a different part of Eden Prime than she had seen the first and only time she'd been there. It made it…slightly…easier to be there.

Especially since she didn't bring any human team mates.

Of course, neither James or Kaidan was green, everyone knew that the Geth were frequently outside the veil, and she rarely- if ever, anymore- gestured others ahead of her unless she was 99.9% sure that the area was secure and they were at their most readiness.

"Shepard," Garrus prompted her.

Straightening her shoulders, she stepped onto the planet that changed her life so drastically.

"Give me a location, Liara," she ordered (feeling pretty damn proud of herself for not sounding as bothered as she actually was), scanning the area through the scope of her Mattock (she knew that she couldn't rely entirely on her helmet's HUD.

"Not far," Liara assured her, messing with her omni-tool.

They began the slow walk through the abandoned settlement.

"Eden Prime…where it all began," Garrus murmured, looking from empty building to empty building.

Shepard shook her head (feeling a sadistic glee that it would make whoever was watching the vid slightly motion sick). "Where it started for_ us-_ for _our_ cycle," she corrected. "The place where I lost Jenkins and found Ash."

The squad fell silent for a moment. "These colonists haven't had the easiest time- first Geth and now Cerberus," Liara pointed out.

"I was raised on ships…one ship gets destroyed, we'd just move to another and replace it with a new one. I can't imagine having to live on solid ground and rebuilding after every destruction."

"Some people need this stability, Shepard," Liara murmured.

_And, what, _I_ don't- someone like _me_ doesn't?_ she thought bitterly.

She hated having those thoughts. It wasn't fair to think things like that…that hadn't been what Liara had meant.

"Commander," Joker's voice came over her comm, "EDI's reading that your blood pressure is raising- everything okay?"

Closing her eyes for a minute before taking a breath, she nodded. "Yeah. It's nothing," she informed him as she gestured her squad forward. "Don't worry about me."

* * *

Kaidan kept his focus between her vital readings (they really were outrageous) and the squads vid feed. To watch her on the vid, a person would hardly notice the slightly tense set of her shoulders and the jerk of her head as opposed to the fluid movement that was her norm.

"She's lying," Kaidan informed Joker quietly.

Joker gave him a look that pretty much said that he already knew. "Eden Prime," Joker said instead of a snarky comment.

"I should be down there with her," Kaidan sighed, leaning his head against the co-pilot chair. "She needs someone who's been down there with her before."

It looked like Joker was fighting some kind of internal battle. "Yeah, but not someone who's questioned her about her motives and ethics." Apparently he lost.

"You can't make me feel any worse than I already do," Kaidan muttered.

Joker stared with uncanny focus on the screens before him. "What was she like?"

Kaidan jerked his attention to Joker, his eyes wide. "What the hell?"

"Not like that," Joker said, trying to calm Kaidan. "Your doctor…what was she like?"

Shepard and squad were involved in a pretty heavy firefight. Kaidan sighed and shrugged. "Well, you know what Shepard's like. Adria is pretty much the complete opposite of everything Shepard is. Well, not in the way that she's a bad person or anything.

"It's not like I sought out someone after Shepard. Had a friend who was worried and he set me up with Adria. She's…she's gentle and understanding…doesn't have an ounce of fight in her body…not when it comes to arguments or physical fights."

"And you went for someone like that?" Joker prodded.

Kaidan stared at the vid as a shot grazed through Shepard's shields and hit her at a weak point in her armor on her leg- her left leg buckled slightly, but she quickly stood back up straight and took out the agent that hit her. "No."

Shepard froze on the battlefield and looked over to Garrus.

"I tried."

* * *

Shepard pulled out her Widow- trying to ignore the voice of the two men up on the Normandy. Joker thought that he was doing her a favor, but it just drove a knife into her heart.

It caused her to lose focus and get shot in the leg!

"Joker," she whispered as she sighted down on a Cerberus agent.

"Commander?"

She pulled the trigger slowly and was awarded with the recoil of the rifle and the dropping of the operative that she had been aiming for (and the one behind him too).

"Inform Doctor Chakwas that I was shot in the leg and that I'll require medical aid when I reboard. Damn bastard was using Shredder rounds and it feels like they worked."

She stowed away her rifle and pulled out her Mattock and gestured for Liara and Garrus to follow her back to the platform.

"Aye-aye, Ma'am."

* * *

Garrus and Liara stood on either side of the pod as Shepard inputted the data that she had received between killing Cerberus and listening to Kaidan and Joker. She stepped back as the pod hissed opened and revealed a Prothean.

He was marvelous.

The memories that the beacons had forced into her mind didn't do justice to the being in front of her. Of course, she had seen and killed plenty of Collectors- but they were a cruel abomination of the actual being which they were created from.

The Prothean stumbled out of his stasis pod and looked around frantically. He looked past Shepard, Liara, and Garrus- not understanding what was happening.

"Be careful!" Liara warned. "It's been 50,000 years for us, but no time has passed for him!"

Shepard stepped into his path and he ripped her helmet off of her and threw it to the side. She held up her hand to halt Garrus from taking a shot. The Prothean gripped her face between his hands like a voice- she couldn't have moved if she wanted to.

_Be still!_ A foreign voice, in foreign words, spoke in her mind.

The memory of their fall began to play in her mind. The Prothean- Commander Javik- was forced into stasis…knowing that so few of his own would make it with him into the new cycle.

Suddenly, Shepard was released and she stared up at the Prothean.

"How many more?" he asked, speaking in perfect English.

Shepard lowered her eyes and shook her head. "You're the only one."

"Wasteful," he spat.

She laid a slightly shaky hand on his and allowed him to see images of the Reaper's invading Earth- darkening the sky with their very presense.

"So it has begun," he murmured. "I was not awakened early enough."

"We're fighting them," she informed him, assuredly. "Will you join us?"

Javik stared at her long and hard, trying to read her soul without touching her. "For now."

* * *

Gravity.

Kaidan knew the dictionary definition of the word.

**_The Force that attracts a body towards the center of the Earth or towards any physical body having mass._**

As Kaidan sat watching the live vid from Eden Prime, he couldn't help but compare her Charisma, personality, and confidence to gravity…and she was the mass.

She pulled people to her (it didn't matter what race, gender, or age they were) and made them do things that they would never have done without her.

_Look at that escaped convict: she was now working for the Alliance- teaching kids how to harness their Biotic ability. Miranda, her former XO, gave up Cerberus because Hope opened her eyes._

The Prothean decided to fight with her.

Hope Shepard, like gravity, was an impressive force of nature.

Hell, she had even convinced Saren to kill himself all those years ago.

"She's impressive," a voice murmured from behind him.

Turning, Kaidan saw James watching the vid over his shoulder. "Always has been."

"How many other people could get a pissed off Prothean to decide to play nice and join us?" Joker snorted.

James chuckled. "Is this how it always is around her- her taming a beast and inviting it aboard?"

Kaidan and Joker looked at each other and, together, said, "Yes."

"Lola is one _chica loca_," he snorted, missing the annoyed expression on Kaidan's face.

"Give it another week or two- this is nothing," Joker assured him.


	30. Chapter Thirty: Politician

**_Author's Note: Okay, I know this is short, but it has a point. I'm actually setting up the next few chapter's that I know with a 100% certainty is going to happen (plus, I'm really supposed to be working on an essay for English about why video games are art and, as I was writing it I was all "Mass Effect" and this came from it). Okay. Enough ramblings. Enjoy._**

* * *

"Tell me, Commander, how you command such loyalty from those who serve under you," Javik inquired.

She leaned against the wall beside of his door. "I don't demand that they're loyal to _me_, necessarily- so long as they're loyal to my goal."

Javik frowned at her, trying to compute what she was saying. "Yet you hurt when one crew member wasn't loyal to you."

It took a moment for her to rid herself of the shock of hearing his words. "Hurt, yes, but I understand where he was coming from- I was dead and he was lonely. We weren't married- not committed to each other, really. I don't begrudge his choices."

Javik shook his head. "He would have been forced to eat her entrails for what he had done were we in the Empire. Even if a mate is killed, we remain loyal to them- to their memory."

That fascinated her- the Prothean's had been monogamists. She wondered if he had lost someone to the war- someone he mourned still.

"Who do you fight this war for, Commander?"

No one had ever asked her that question before. They had just expected her to fight for them.

Shepard nodded her head to let him know that she was going to answer, but thought for a few minutes before she finally decided to speak. "I fight for everyone in the galaxy- all species. I fight for the previous cycles who were killed. I fight so no future generation has to be part of a vicious cycle. I fight for my crew. I fight for life."

"In all you spoke for," Javik said slowly, "not once did you mention yourself."

_Clever Prothean._

"I've already died once- watched as my ship was destroyed. I lost two years of my life. My living is something that goes against nature. So, no, I don't fight for myself."

Javik didn't like her words. He frowned at her in such a way that almost made her chuckle. "You are blind- as so many primitives are. You have the potential to be superior, but you limit your mind with thoughts such as those." He was getting angry.

Javik was an interesting person.

Oh, he acted like a total hardass- what with all of his insults and what-not. However, Shepard could sense the pain and loss that he fought to keep buried- unseen.

He turned around and frowned. "You are called Hope," he ignored her wince, "is that you name or what you represent?"

Shepard decided that she liked him. She hoped that, one day, they might even call each other friends. After all, she'd broken through tougher attitudes and distrust before (Wrex).

"Both," she said matter-of-factly. "Apparently my mother had good instincts when she named me."

Javik huffed. "You have fought and won many battles," he stated, "yet you still hide the truth from many."

"I don't understand."

"You fight alongside of a robot. How many know that it is an artificial intelligence? You trust the lives of many to it."

Well….

"No one aboard this ship is the enemy," she said gently as he stood before a basin of water and washed his hands.

"There is only one thing do with one such as you have," he informed her.

"Oh?"

"Throw it out of the airlock before it decides that we're no longer useful. We are nothing more than a mortal inconvenience to them, Commander. No good can come from having it aboard."

* * *

Shepard slowly made her way to the helm, occasionally pausing to talk to the crew. She could see the worry and tension that plagued them and promised to herself that she would dock aboard the Citadel for a few days leave after she dealt with the Quarian's and the Geth.

She stopped in the doorway of the helm and made sure that no one but Joker was there before she entered.

"Joker," she greeted, taking EDI's normal spot.

"Commander." They sat in silence. "We're heading to the Quarian Fleet."

"I know," she said easily, enjoying making him a little nervous.

Silence.

"I turned in all my reports."

"I know."

Silence.

"You here for a reason?" he asked, giving up any pretense of checking ship stats.

"Yes."

Silence.

"Does this have to do with my patching into your private comm during the mission?"

She glanced over at him- her face completely blank. "What d'you think?"

"You two are the most stubborn, private people on this damn ship! Neither of you want to be the one to fix your…whatever it is. You won't because you think that he'd be happier with someone else and him because he has his head stuck up his ass."

Instead of reacting to his words, she merely asked, "Oh?"

"Have you guys even talked- I mean really _talked_? What about argued? Have you let him know how _pissed_ you were about Horizon- about _Mars_?"

"Joker," she interrupted quietly before he could work himself up further, "why're you even-"

"He saw the feed."

Confused, she shook her head. "You have to be a little more specific than that."

"Of you and James when you came back aboard the Normandy after taking those kids to C-Sec."

Instead of getting embarrassed and flustered like he was obviously hoping for, she just raised an eyebrow. "Okay?" she prompted.

Joker threw his hands up in the air- exasperated. "While I get that James wouldn't be the first Lieutenant you've gotten _friendly_ with-"

"I make it a point to be friendly with all of my crew and squad," she pointed out.

He ignored her interruption, "You won't ever have anything with James that'll change what you feel for Kaidan."

Shepard just shrugged. "Okay."

"You're just afraid. Face down angry, killer zombies of ever species and machines bent on killing us all- sure, you hop right on that. But face something that involves feelings and normal life…you run the other way."

Still, her face remained blank. "I'm sorry you think that about me, Joker."

Joker frowned at her. Everything that he said that he intended to get under her skin didn't do a damn thing. He noticed something though and he couldn't stop himself as he leaned forward and pulled out the chain that held her dog tags and the other chain.

"If you're so removed from the situation, why're you still wearing the key that Kaidan had me give to you?"

She let slip a smile and touched an index finger on her nose and nodded. "You're not as unobservant as you would have other's believe."

"You're good, Commander- you'd be a kickass poker player…maybe even a good politician."

With a chuckle, she pointed out, "Have you seen my ship? I already am a politician."

"I'm not going to stop," he warned her suddenly. "You both need to face what's going on between you two. I don't care if you beat the shit out of each other or just talk. I'm going to keep interfering."

As she stood up to leave the helm, she smiled, "At this point, I wouldn't expect anything less."

* * *

Kaidan stood talking to Adams down in engineering when their newest recruit walked in and glared at him until he was practically obligated to talk to him to figure out what the hell was his problem.

"Have something on your mind, Javik?" he inquired as he walked beside the Prothean out into the hall.

Javik glared at him- if looks could kill…well…he'd probably have been nothing more than a pile of smoldering ashes on the floor. "You are Major Kaidan Alenko."

That hadn't been what he was expecting.

"I am."

Javik fell silent as he looked him over critically. "I am unimpressed."

"I'm sorry?"

"The James creature is seemingly more suitable, and yet it is you," Javik said, seemingly muttering to himself.

That was almost enough to cause Kaidan to lose his temper. He had had pretty much all he could take when it came to Lieutenant James Vega. Kaidan wasn't quite sure what Javik was talking about, but, it didn't matter.

"Is there something that you want, or are you just going to stand there and think to yourself out loud?" Kaidan demanded.

As quick as a cobra, Javik reached out and grasped Kaidan's bare forearms. With his head bowed, he stood there silently for a minute or so before he released him and narrowed his eyes.

"You mourned- you still are," Javik murmured. "Yet you considered another even as you mourned- knowing that you'd never truly love her."

"Excuse me?"

Javik gave a brief nod. "You are even blinder than she is. Let us hope that it's a temporary condition."

With that, he walked away leaving Kaidan staring after him with a confused expression.

* * *

Sitting at a table in the mess with one hand holding the datapad she was reading and the other holding a spoon for her dinner, she was completely oblivious to the world around her.

Hence the reason why Joker's voice startled her.

"Commander, we've received the coordinates for some Cerberus scientists who defected. Apparently things are going so hot for them."

Setting down her datapad and spoon, she asked, "ETA?"

Joker was silent for a minute (obviously plotting the change in their course). "Two hours."

"Let Javik and EDI know they're to gear up and report to the cargo bay in an hour and a half- geared up and armed."

"Aye-aye, ma'am."


	31. Chapter Thirty-One: Temper

**_Author's Notes: First of all, I'd like to thank CyanB for her catch on my misspelled words (dang x and c are so freaking close together)!_**

**_Next, I'd like to thank everyone who commented, favorited and followed! That makes me so happy!_**

* * *

_Pre- Mission_

_Shepard made her way down to the cargo bay. There was still about half an hour before Javik and EDI were to report and she didn't have anything overly pressing. In fact, she was hoping to go a round or two with James before the mission._

_James was in his normal spot, doing chin ups. "Hey, James, you wanna dance?"_

_He dropped down and rolled his neck before he let his eyes linger in all the inappropriate spots. She was wearing a sports bra and a pair of workout pants- leaving very little to the imagination. "You think dressing like that is gonna distract me, Lola?"_

_She rolled her eyes and led him out into the middle of the cargo bay. "Remember that I have a mission in about an hour, so we've got to keep this somewhat light," she warned him._

_James gave her a cocky smile and nodded. "You got it, Lola."_

* * *

_The doors to the elevator opened and Kaidan walked out, muttering something as he read the datapad in his hand. The data on the pad didn't compute with what he knew._

_"Damn!" James grunted after a loud thump echoed through the entire room._

_Kaidan looked up and saw Hope straddling the Lieutenant with his hands resting carelessly on her hips and her hands on his chest. It seemed like the entire room disappeared as he stared at the two of them._

_The moment was just so…intimate. It was like, for them, there was nothing else happening. James said something that only Hope could hear and she gave a low chuckle- one that Kaidan knew James could feel throughout his entire body (loins and all). It was Kaidan's favorite chuckle. She leaned down and whispered something in his ear and he nodded and laughed- her body vibrating in time with his._

_It was unbearable to see. He wanted to lash out biotically- maybe tear the Lieutenant apart limb by limb for even _touching_ her._

_James' hands ran slowly up her sides and back down and she just smiled down at him- not fighting the touch…accepting it._

_It took every ounce of willpower that Kaidan had to turn around and get back into the elevator. His entire body was shaking in fury- needing to kill something._

_"You want me to interrupt?" Joker asked him._

_That would be very satisfying. After all the times that Joker had cock-blocked him on the SR-1, the least he could do was help him out with this situation._

_"You have something in mind?" Kaidan asked, not caring that it was petty._

* * *

_Post Mission_

"Shepard," Kaidan snapped at her harshly as soon as she stepped from the shuttle.

Apparently he had watched the helm-vid of the mission and was unimpressed- bordering on livid. Of course, she, herself, was relatively unimpressed with how her squad had worked together.

Squaring her shoulders, she faced him with an indulgent look upon her face. "Good afternoon, Kaidan. What can I do for you?"

She set all her guns on an empty work bench before stripping from her armor, then she began carefully taking each gun, making sure they were empty, and cleaned them- just as she did after each mission.

It was her way to unwind.

"What the hell was that?" he demanded loudly enough that everyone in the cargo bay glanced their way.

"Excuse me?" she demanded more quietly, but still sounding just as angry as him, and sat down her Mattock that she had been working on.

He glared down at her. Still not lowering his voice, he repeated, "I said, what the hell was that?"

Shepard felt her eyes widen and her mouth begin to open in shock. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "This is not the place to behave like a FNG, _Major_," she snapped.

"Seems like the only time I can talk to you is when there're a lot of people around us, _Commander_," he snapped right back.

She glared up at him for a minute before looking behind him. "Steve," she said, and he looked at her with panic clearly in his eyes. "Can you finish cleaning my guns while I have a meeting with Major Alenko?"

"Aye-aye, ma'am."

She gritted her teeth. "My cabin. _Now_."

They went into the elevator in silent anger. "EDI," she snapped once inside.

"Yes, Shepard?"

"No stops. I don't care if Admiral Hackett is aboard and wants to take the elevator- or even if the whole goddamned Reaper fleet appears in the system-, this makes no stops until it reaches my cabin."

"Understood."

They stood in the elevator, side-by-side, silently, but the tension was practically rolling off of them. They kept their eyes forward...except for the occasional peek from the corner of their eyes.

When they reached the loft, Shepard marched from the elevator and opened her door, not glancing back to see if Kaidan was following, she could practically feel his biotics pulsing- something she had grown accustomed to on the SR-1.

After her door had shut, she turned around and began, "Who the hell do you-" Kaidan grabbed her by her arms and pushed her against the wall next to her aquarium. She felt her breath leave her as she practically slammed into the wall. Again, she said, "Who the hell do you-"

"Shut up," he ordered, using a tone that she had never heard from him before and, decidedly, named it his _Major Voice_.

"Why the hell-"

"Shut. Up." His voice took on a dangerous tone and he towered over her, leaning his arms on the wall on either side of her, effectively trapping her.

Crossing her arms defiantly, she snapped. "No." At least he didn't interrupt that time.

...of course, it had only been one word.

"I'm a Major now, _Commander_."

She raised her chin. "You're currently aboard _my_ ship, _Major_."

He leaned down, putting his face close to hers, but, unlike all her fantasies of being in this exact position, his expression was not one of desire or lust...it was one of rage. "Why am I here, Commander."

"Because you asked to be."

His expression hardened fractionally. "Why am I here?"

She raised an eyebrow and, since he was being an ass, she decided to be a bitch. "Isn't that a question that humanity has asked for centuries?"

Shepard could see that twitch at the corner of his eye that indicated that, had she been anyone else- especially a man-, he would have hauled her up by her collar and smacked the snot out of her. "That's not what I meant. Why am I here when you don't take me on missions with you? All I'm doing is taking up space."

The look of cool professionalism took over, clearing away all expressions of defiance and anger...Kaidan also knew that her next words were going to be a lie. "I haven't felt as though any mission we have currently undertaken would require your skills."

"Bullshit," he spat and she turned her head away from him, crossing her arms under her chest. "What about having your squad work as a team? What the hell were you thinking taking EDI and Javik on a mission together?"

Okay, yeah, he had her on that one. It hadn't been her brightest idea. An AI...and an AI hater...

...then again, she had...eventually...gotten Tali and Legion to work together reasonably well.

"Well..."

He smacked the wall behind her head, causing her eyebrows to jump up in surprise. "I should have gone on that mission. I could have covered for both of them and you could have taken Garrus or...or James too."

It seemed like even saying the Lieutenant's name was distasteful and difficult for him.

That was interesting.

"Your biotics aren't nearly as good as Javik's and your tech abilities aren't as advanced as EDI's."

He got in her face again. "You're avoiding me. You won't put me on a squad because...hell if I know. What is it, Shepard?" he demanded.

"You need to step back, Kaidan," she warned.

"_Commander_," his tone was his _Major Voice_ again and she fought with conflicting emotions.

One part of her wanted to wrap her arms around his neck and drag his lips down to her own. His temper and self-confidence was new. Him challenging her was something he never did all those years ago (at least to him, it still didn't feel that long ago to her) on the SR-1, but, she found that she liked this new Kaidan. He pushed her, forced her to think fast and react even quicker. She felt desire begin to well in her stomach.

Then again, another part of her wanted to strangle him. He had no right to challenge her authority on _her_ ship. He may outrank her, but she was in charge of the damn mission and of the ship.

It just irked a nerve that he was right.

Shepard put her hands on his chest (it was a hard fought battle not to run them along his nicely sculpted chest and stomach- and, Maker, he was better built than he had been on the SR-1 and she had had no complaints back then) and shoved. Kaidan stumbled back a step and took her upper-arms in his hands again and pushed her back into the wall.

This Kaidan was rougher. He was battle-hardened and forceful. He let himself toe the line of control and took command. He wasn't above using his newly acquired muscles to help him gain attention.

Again, Shepard fought with conflicting emotions.

"Get your hands off of me!" she ordered...warned.

Kaidan glared down at her and shook his head. "No. Not until you tell me what the problem is. Tell me why I'm here."

Shepard brought her foot down hard on top of his own and dodged away from him when he lost his grip momentarily. "Listen up, _Major_," she snapped, her eyes hard. "I am your commanding officer- rank or not- and I will _not_ be questioned by you in front of my squad _or_ my damn crew. If you have a problem, you bring it to my attention _privately_- whether you ask to speak to me privately or send me a damn message, I don't much give a damn.

"I brought you aboard this ship because you asked to be here and because we have served together before and you're damn good- better than you were a few years ago."

"Then why not take me on missions?" he demanded, taking a step towards her.

She took a step back and hit the opposite wall. _Damn, trapped again_.

She struggled for a moment to find a reasonable excuse. "I do not have to tell you the reason behind my decisions."

Kaidan place an arm on either side of Shepard and said, "C'mon, Shepard, give me a bone."

He was too close- in her personal space. He wouldn't stop invading her personal space and she was hard pressed to keep control. "You've just gotten back from a long stint in the hospital," she reminded him after a few moments of confusing thoughts. "I'd rather be absolutely positive that you were recovered before throwing you back onto the front lines."

"Then what's your reason for avoiding me?" he wondered, lowering his face closer to hers.

"I'm not avoiding anyone, I'm busy- saving the Galaxy is a pretty time consuming job." She paused and raised an eyebrow. "I keep an open door policy, Kaidan, you could've came up anytime." She found her anger again, and snapped, "Not act like a complete ass in the cargo hold in front of my squad and the crew."

"Not one of my finer moments," he admitted with a crooked smile.

"You have better moments?" she sneered.

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, Hope," he murmured.

"For what?" Then the entirety of his words hit her. "Wait. What'd you just call me?"

"I'm sorry for not doing this as soon as I saw you on Horizon," he answered, ignoring her second question.

"Not doing wha-"

Kaidan cut her off by pressing his lips hard against hers, effectively ending the argument.


	32. Chapter ThirtyTwo: Another Confrontation

**_Author's Notes:_****_ Since I left the last chapter on a bit of a cliff, I decided to give you all this chapter after only a day of waiting (the comments I received were great and inspired me to put you all out of your misery.  
Thank you for everyone who commented, favorited, and followed (I don't think I can stress how much that makes me smile._**

**_And,_** **_MissMeggo from AO3 (whose ff handle I don't know), I know I said probably Monday, but I finished my paper on the Art of Video Games early, hence the reason this came early._**

* * *

_Small Chapter 31 Recap_

_He raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, Hope," he murmured. _

_"For what?" Then the entirety of his words hit her. "Wait. What'd you just call me?"_

_"I'm sorry for not doing this as soon as I saw you on Horizon," he answered, ignoring her second question. _

_"Not doing wha-"_

_Kaidan cut her off by pressing his lips hard against hers, effectively ending the argument._

* * *

Well, for a minute, at least.

After she regained her senses, she pulled back her hand and caught him on his chin with a right hook (as soon as she did it, she belatedly thought that she could have just slapped him, but…well…that just wasn't her style). Kaidan stumbled backwards and stared at her- shocked.

She had kissed him back. Their tongues had warred with each other- his nose filled with nothing but the scent of her. She hadn't melted into his arms as she would have before, but it was still filled with a passion that no one could ever match.

Hence the reason why he was surprised that she had punched him.

Her eyes were dilated and she was struggling to control her breathing. To say that she was angry would be putting it lightly. There was few times that Kaidan thought she wasn't beautiful, but, in that moment, the only true equivalent would be to compare her to Goddess' of old.

Needless to say, Joker's words of confronting Kaidan about the past were at the very forefront of her mind. Joker had been right and Kaidan had put himself into the situation where she had the perfect opening for it.

"Hope…" he murmured, reaching out to her.

"Don't," she snapped, slapping his hand away from her. She stepped forward and pushed him out of her space. "You have no right to touch me or call me by my first name- not after everything that you've done and said."

Without thinking, he said, "I thought you said we were okay about Horizon."

Her mouth dropped open and she shook her head. "How the hell could I be okay with it? You called me a traitor- said that I turned my back on everything we stood for! You questioned who I _am_- what I _believe_ and _know_! You walked away from me and didn't even glance back! I was devastated, Kaidan!" she shouted, shoving a finger into his chest. "I don't know what was worse on Horizon- thinking that the Collector's had abducted you and you were on that damn ship, or your words…but I'm _pretty_ damn sure it was your words."

To Kaidan, she looked like an avenging angel and he couldn't stop himself from reaching out to her again. He needed to touch her-to prove to himself that she was real and just as passionate as she always had been.

She slapped his hand away again. "I don't want to be placated, Kaidan. You need to listen to me!"

When he nodded his head, she frowned at him. She wasn't quite sure how she wanted to say everything.

It didn't matter.

It just needed said.

"I gave the Illusive Man a single finger salute after I blew up the Collector Base. I was getting ready to head to Earth to turn in myself and the Normandy when Hackett called me up and diverted me to the Bahak system. I didn't want to kill all those Batarian's, but the choice was taken from me. I gave myself over to Alliance custody because that's where I belong- where I've _always_ belonged. Despite what you said, I always knew where my alliances lay. I was raised in the Alliance, I died in the Alliance, and, god damned it, I needed to be back in it since I was alive again.

"Then the Reapers attacked and we headed to Mar's. After everything that I went through to get back to the Alliance- to prove that I am still the same woman- you question my motives! You question whether I really defected from Cerberus or not. It's not like I sought Cerberus out, Kaidan! I _died_- suffocated above Alchera just as I was entering atmo-," Kaidan visibly flinched as she confirmed what he had always feared (her still being conscious as she entered atmo), "and Liara and her friend found me and gave me to them. I would have gladly stayed dead if it meant that I never had to work with them and I would never have had to see the disgust in your eyes.

"What right do you have? At what _point_ do you think we can just mention it in passing and that it'll all be _okay_? I am a living person, Kaidan- despite the persona that I display. I am a living woman who has more emotions and needs than I let everyone see…you used to know that. We haven't talked about those two times and we haven't talked about your doctor that you tried to move on with."

Kaidan stared at her with his mouth gaping open, at a loss for words. Before him stood the most amazing, strong woman he had ever known and she had let him have it in clear, concise- albeit, _angry_- words. She was completely right and he hated himself that he had bought into her false acceptance of her apology.

She was right and he had deserved getting punched in the face.

"D'you know what I was told today, Kaidan?" she demanded, her eyes full of fire- of an inferno. "I saw Jacob Taylor- one of my crew when we were sailing under Cerberus colors. He told me that he wanted a life and a family. When I told him that I understood…he disagreed with me- told me that the Normandy's my real love. I wanted to argue…but I…didn't. What kind of person am I that everyone thinks that I can't love anything other than a damn ship?"

"You-"

"Shut up," she snapped. "You have no right to talk yet. It's your turn to listen.

"Then, when I informed him that it doesn't mean that I want to say _to hell with it_, he informed me that I won't- that I can't. Then I thought about it as we were coming back to the Normandy. Instead of going with you to the escape pod on the SR-1, I died to save Joker. I gave my life for a ship- just like he had been willing to do. I didn't even think twice about it- I just ordered you into the pod and left…I didn't look back. I knew you'd be safe, and I had to worry about the Normandy and Joker."

"You're both wrong- you and this Jacob. It had nothing to do with the ship when you…died," he informed her, stumbling over the word. "You did what you did for your crew. You're just as protective of your crew as a mother is of her child. Jacob doesn't know what the hell he was talking about, Hope, and neither do you."

She glared at him, her eyes desperate and angry at the same time. "Is that all I'm aloud to have?" she demanded. "A crew instead of a family? What right do I have to ask anyone to be with me when I'm so _fucking _dedicated to my crew?"

"Hope-"

"I don't know how the hell you know my first name- it either had to be Hackett or Anderson-, but you can take that damn word and shove it up your pompous, self-righteous a-"

"Stop," Kaidan interrupted her, gripping her upper arms and looking down at her with kind, understanding eyes. "You have every right to be angry."

She glared up at him. "I never had any doubt about that! At what _point_ did you think that I was worried if I was right or not?"

He ignored that. "I was wrong to not listen to what you had to say on Horizon and, instead, I said things that I should never have said. I've kicked myself over and over again for walking away from you- for not looking back at you…at least once."

"Yet you still had the nerve to question me on Mars? Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical of what you feel bad about."

He frowned at her, his eyebrows furrowing together. "I have no excuse for what I said on Mars. A part of me could still only see that Cerberus emblem. The other part just wanted a reaction from you.

"With James, you're so much more relaxed…more open. When you're with him…you smile a lot more…you don't try to censor your words. You don't just accept his flirtations…you answer them in kind. He's a lot like you…and obviously what you wish you could still be. When you're with him, you get to be carefree and cocky, flirtatious and tempting….

"With me, it's like your anticipating me saying something wrong- and I'm not denying that I deserve it. That doesn't make what I said any better, but it's the reason why it was said." He ran his hands up and down her arms- marveling at her allowing him to touch her. The taste of her was still on his lips and he yearned to have another taste…but he held himself back.

Shepard hated him in that instant. She could have strangled him without a second thought and called Garrus to dispose of his body.

His reasoning was sound and she probably would have reacted the same way.

If he had been the one that went through dying and being brought back…then was around a hot little Lieutenant the made him act like a different person…she would have egged him into confrontations as well.

It was just who they were.

"Which one told you my name?"

It took Kaidan a moment to catch up with her sudden switch of topics. "There's nothing wrong with your name. Hope Ann Shepard suits you."

She pursed her lips. "It was Hackett, wasn't it? That bastard."

"Hope-"

Her hand reached out and slapped him across the face.

She refused to apologize.

And he refused to let his gentle hold on her arms go.

"The fleet Admiral is going to be a new one before the end of the war because our current one is going to go missing," she hissed, contemplating different way of accomplishing it.

"You don't mean that," he murmured matter-of-factly.

Shepard frowned at him. A part of her hated that he didn't think twice about her empty threats. When he moved one of his hands up to cup her face, she flinched- making it his turn to frown.

All he could think was that there had once been a time when she would have never flinched from him. She would have leaned into his touch and ran her hands up his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I'll never be able to say that I'm sorry enough." He ran his thumb across her cheek, his eyes drinking in everything about her face- everything from her bright blue eyes to the missing scars from her previous life and the new ones that he didn't know the stories of. "I don't know if you can ever forgive me- a part of me doesn't expect you to-, but I'd like us to, at least, be friends."

Feeling drained, she hesitantly rested her hands on his arms. "Kaidan-"

It was a small feeling of happiness that entered him and it would have been more so had she not hesitated.

"I don't expect an answer right now. We've both said and done things that need to be processed." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead and lingered there for more than a few moments. When he leaned back enough to rest his forehead on hers, he sounded sad…almost defeated. "After all that I've put you through, the least I could do is leave the choice in your hands- not pressure you. I won't bother you anymore."

She had no words as he leaned back and stared at her with sad, understanding eyes. "All I want is for you to be happy, Hope- you deserve nothing less than that." He released her and left, leaving her to stare at the empty space where he had been.


	33. Chapter Thirty-Three: Ramifications

**_Author's Note:_****_ Okay, it's time to get away from the doom and gloom and put a little ray of hope (no pun intended) into Shepard and Kaidan's romance. _**

**_Everyone reading, please keep in mind that this is labeled as Drama and Romance (not Angst). And, honestly, while Shep may mentally understand why Kaidan did the things he did, that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt her and it doesn't mean that she doesn't have the right to express just how much._**

* * *

"Garrus," Shepard said, peaking her head into the forward battery. "Wanna do some hand-to-hand?"

He almost told her than he couldn't because he was in the middle of some calibrations, but…something about her voice had him turning around. "Sure."

"Meet me down in the Cargo Boy in five?"

"Sure."

* * *

By the time he had made his way down to the cargo bay, Shepard was already stretching. He admired the view for a few seconds longer than was acceptable. She was a stunning woman- it didn't matter that she was human- and he still wished that she hadn't been so wrapped up with Alenko.

Maybe, then, she would have gone to him.

When she stretched her bare arms over her head to stretch, he saw bruises in the distinctive shape of human fingers- too big for them to be her own. He also knew that James would never leave marks like that on her arms.

No, he was a man of fists and he was too slow to get many hits on Shepard anyway.

That left only one other man.

"Shepard," Garrus greeted, sounding kind of disgruntled.

She gave him a small nod and gestured him forward. "I need someone to go against that isn't James," she explained, rolling her head and bouncing on the balls of her feet.

_Looks like you already have_.

It was a close one- it very nearly came out of his mouth, but he managed to keep his mouth shut against those words.

Garrus stalked closer and shrugged. "I'm always up to beat you- you know that."

She went deadly still and then smirked. "James!" she called out, not pulling her eyes from Garrus. When James came up to her side she gestured him over to stand beside of Garrus. "We're doing two on one."

When Garrus opened his mouth to argue, she gave him a look that promptly shut his mouth. Apparently she needed this more than he had realized.

And it was all one man's fault.

When Garrus and James squared up in front of her, she smiled serenely- completely relaxed. From her posture and expression, a person wouldn't know that she was about to spar with two of the best hand-to-hand experts on the ship.

Of course, she was _the_ best.

James and Garrus rushed her together- needing no kind communication between them. They were going to use their size and numbers against her.

However, by the time they had reached her previous spot, she was gone.

She was gone and they hadn't seen her move at all. Before either of the men knew what was happening, James was on his stomach and Shepard was taunting Garrus.

"How the hell d'you do that, Lola?" James sputtered out.

She ignored him. "Come on, Garrus. We're not finished yet. Now we're even."

He shook his head and tried to keep his eyes on her. "There's not a person in this galaxy that is your equal- so we could never be _even_," he informed her and feinted right before throwing his left fist.

However, she wasn't fooled and blocked the hit by grabbing his arm and flipped him on his back. She threw back her head and laughed at the bewildered look on Garrus' face.

"Maybe you should focus more on hand-to-hand and not so much on _calibrations_, Gar-bear," she teased, patting him on his chest and. She smiled at the two men, grabbed her jacket, and made her way to the elevator.

"Hell of a woman," James murmured, his eyes never leaving her.

* * *

After the argument- or whatever the hell it actually was-, he had felt the beginnings of a migraine, so, in order to stave off the harsh penalties, he had headed it off by deciding to lie down and maybe get some sleep (he felt extremely exhausted from dealing with Hope).

Unfortunately, it felt like he had just closed his eyes when he was being shaken violently and his eyes snapped opened to deal with his attacker and saw that it was a pretty angry looking Garrus.

Now, it wasn't every day that Kaidan woke up with a pissed off Turian in his face. He was pretty sure that it happened to some people (like, say, a certain Alliance Commander)- but it sure wasn't something that he had ever experienced.

And, Kaidan found, it was a very sobering experience.

"Garrus!" he exclaimed, eyes wide and suddenly awake. "What're you-" he broke off as Garrus yanked him by the shoulders out of bed.

Well…shit….

"I warned you!" Garrus hissed, mandible flaring.

Apparently it wasn't sobering enough because he had to ask, "What?"

Yeah, there was very little worse than being face-to-face with a pissed off Turian and having no way to defend oneself (that wouldn't cause serious harm, anyway) except, maybe, being in that situation and not quite sure why.

* * *

Shepard was on her way down to the mess and had just got into the elevator after having a shower in her quarters when Joker came over the comm.

"Uh…we have a situation on the crew deck," he said meekly.

She sighed and nodded- knowing that he could see her on the security feed. "I'm on my way down there, anyway."

Joker hesitated for a minute. "It's, uh, in the Starboard Observation Lounge."

"Excuse me?" she demanded. "What the hell's happening?"

"Well, it seems Garrus is using that stick up his ass to beat Kaidan up."

Her expression hardened and she wished that the damn elevator would go faster. No way in hell should Garrus have thought that that was okay. Kaidan was hers- it didn't matter that they hadn't actually figured out where they stood- and no one on the Normandy was permitted to beat the shit out of him (except, maybe, her).

* * *

He ended up being thrown into the wall on the other side of the room. Garrus was on him in a flash. "I told you not to hurt her- did you think that I only meant _mentally_?" Garrus growled, catching Kaidan across the cheek with his fist, opening a long gash.

"I don't-"

"It was a Spirits damned mistake for Shepard to let you on this ship. All you know how to do is hurt her- apparently in every way."

Garrus threw him again and, that time, he saw stars. "Had you been anyone else," he hissed, picking Kaidan up by the throat, "you'd have been lucky-"

"Garrus," a low warning came from the somewhere by the door and Garrus instantly tensed. "Put. Him. _Down_."

Kaidan was dropped to the floor and Garrus turned around only to be glared at. "Shepard-"

"No," she snapped, shaking her head. "I have Quarian Admirals boarding in less than three hours- I should be preparing for their arrival, not dealing with you. So, I'm only going to ask this once, do you get me_? What happened_?"

Kaidan watched as Garrus lowered his head shamefully. "I saw the bruises on your arms," he muttered, trying to look anywhere but at her.

She stared at him, stunned, and glanced at Kaidan with an unreadable expression before shaking her head. "Garrus, he didn't mean to-"

"_Stop_," Garrus snapped. "Quit making excuses for him. Every time he does something, you have an excuse for him."

Shepard and Garrus both stared at each other in shock- neither had expected him to say anything like that. "Would you like a chance to rephrase that?" she asked with a distinct hard edge in her voice.

Garrus knew that he was in trouble. Shepard didn't tolerate anyone messing with her crew- even if it was infighting. And she definitely didn't tolerate anyone messing with Kaidan.

But, instead of doing the intelligent thing, he shook his head. "No," Garrus said firmly. "He left marks on you, Shepard. He deserves to be taught a lesson."

She fixed him with a glare. "Get out, Garrus. Go wait for me in the forward battery," she ordered.

"But-"

"_Now_."

Kaidan and Garrus watched as Garrus sulked out like a punished child. Kaidan could tell from the tense set of her shoulders that she was furious.

Exhausted, but furious.

When the door shut to leave the two of them alone, she walked over and knelt down to examine his face. Her fingers played lightly over the skin on his face as she studied the scratch across his face with a soft expression.

"Oh, Kaidan," she murmured, trying to look into his eyes. "You need to get to Chakwas. That's a pretty nasty scratch."

He nodded silently and stood up slowly (fearing a concussion), not looking at her. He leaned heavily against the wall in order to allow the room time to stop spinning. She waited patiently for him.

"Don't worry, nothing like this'll happen again, I'll make sure of it," she promised, a hand under his elbow to help steady him.

"Go easy on him," Kaidan said quietly. "He only did it to protect you."

She scoffed and helped him across the room. "When is everyone going to figure out that I don't need protected- that I can do it myself?"

He stopped and leaned against the doorframe. Without thinking, he cupped her chin in his hand and waited for her to look at him. "When're you going to realize that you don't have to?"

With a small smile, she tilted her head enough to kiss his palm (which shocked him more than he would ever admit). "You trying to flirt with me, Major?"

Kaidan gave her a small smile and was relieved when she didn't shrink away from him. "If you have to ask, then I'm clearly out of practice."

She smiled and helped him the rest of the way to the Medbay. Before she left him completely in Chakwas' hands, she half turned and suggested, "Then maybe we could practice."

It took him a minute to realize what she meant and, by the time he had, she was out in the mess heading towards the forward battery.

"What happened?" Chakwas demanded. "Were you down in the cargo bay with James?"

He moved his attention to the doctor. "No."

Chakwas frowned and picked up an application of medi-gel. "You and Shepard get into it?"

"No," Kaidan sighed and rubbed his temples. "Garrus had a point to make. Shepard stopped it before it got any worse."

She frowned at him- suspicious. "What d'you do?"

Kaidan winced as Chakwas worked on the gash across his cheek. "The Commander and I kinda got into it after the last mission."

"What happened?" she sighed.

"I…we…we got into an argument…and I may…may have left…bruises on…her arms," he muttered.

Chakwas stilled and stared at him- trying to read his soul. "You hit her?"

"No," he assured her. "We figured it out, though."

"You're lucky she got there in time- Garrus would've happily killed you."

* * *

Shepard stood silently in the doorway of the forward battery. From the tense set of Garrus' shoulders, she could tell that he knew she was there.

"Garrus," she began quietly and he winced at the sound of her voice, "we need to talk."

He turned around slowly, his eyes not meeting hers. "I'm not going to apologize for what I did to him," he informed her. "I am, however, sorry that you saw it."

"What came over you, Garrus? It's not like this was the first time I've gotten marked up by someone."

"But _he_ hurt you…_again_."

She laid a hand on his arm and waited for him to look at her. When he did, she gave a small smile and explained, "But, at the same time, he took the first steps needed to fix things."

Garrus shook his head and laid a hand on her own arm. "You want me to go apologize to him, don't you?"

With the smile that she gave him, he knew that he didn't have the willpower _not_ to apologize to Kaidan. "I'm not going to make you, Garrus, but it's the right thing to do- and _you_ should want to." Stepping away from him, she left without another word.

He found himself repeating James' words: "Hell of a woman."

* * *

**_Author's Note:_****_ Yeah, I called Garrus "Gar-bear." I couldn't help it. I was doing a play through of ME2 and I just kinda called him that…so I decided to share my nickname for the wonderful, glorious Garrus Vakarian. :D_**


	34. Chapter Thirty-Four: I Don't Fear Death

**_Author's Note:_****_ Thank you to all the new followers, favorites, and comments! I love all y'all!_**

* * *

Shepard sat cross-legged on her couch, her eyes closed. She allowed herself to relax into a sense of peace that Samara had taught her back when she was working with Cerberus. There was so many things racing through her mind and she just needed to relax.

True to her word, she would have taken Kaidan with her and Tali (_Admiral_ Tali'Zorah vas Normandy) if he hadn't been recovering from the beating he had taken from Garrus. So, sense Garrus had been in the wrong, she had taken Liara instead.

However, despite her meditation, her thoughts kept returning to the very beginning of the mission.

* * *

Breathe, Hope, Breathe,_ she thought to herself, all the while talking to Tali about what she was seeing. _We're almost at the end.

_She hated it- knowing that, at any time, the docking tube could fall out from underneath of her and she would drift off into space. She hoped that the Normandy would be able to rescue her, but she couldn't guarantee it._

"You're almost there,"_ Kaidan said into her private comm channel._

_She was thankful that he was there- watching. They still weren't clear on what was going on with each other, but it was wonderful to hear his voice. He had always been a relaxing element._

_It was about at that point that the docking tube decided to fall away. She felt herself stop breathing- if only to conserve the oxygen to give herself more time until she was able to get rescued._

"Hope,"_ Kaidan's voice broke into her fear-ridden brain, _"You're going to be okay. Disengage your mag boots and let yourself float over to the platform."

_She swallowed hard and did as he instructed- what she should have known what to do _automatically._ As she reached the platform, she reactivated her mag boots and stood there for a few moments to allow herself to calm down._

"Commander,"_ Joker murmured worriedly over the comm._

_"No worries, Joker, I made it over, but I don't think the squad's going to be using this docking tube." _

* * *

The chime of the door halted her thoughts and she tapped her acceptance into her omni-tool without even bothering to figure out who it was.

"Hope," Kaidan's warm voice filled her quarters. "Where're you?"

"Living area," she replied simply- not bothering to change how she was sitting (and also not bothering to open her eyes).

Kaidan stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked her over. Her short red hair was leaking enough water to leave her think tank plastered to her shoulders and her shorts showcased her tan, toned legs (enough that it took his mind to very dangerous places).

"Is this a bad time?"

Shepard laughed humorously. "No such thing exists if one of the crew needs to talk- you reminded me of that the last time." She paused and cracked a weak smile. "If that comment was about the state of my dress, please remember that there is nothing either of us hasn't seen of each other."

God, he'd missed that- her slightly inappropriate teasing. Only problem he had with it right at that point was her tone of exhaustion.

Sitting down carefully on the coffee table in front of her, Kaidan took her hands (which had previously been resting on her knees) into his and was rewarded with the sight of her eyes.

"Talk to me, Hope," he insisted. When she continued to do nothing but stare, he elaborated, "About the docking tube."

She stared at him expressionlessly- something he absolutely detested- and stated, "There's nothing to talk about."

He ran his thumbs over the curves of her hands, not making any sort of forcible, aggressive movements (to do otherwise risked her completely shutting down). "There were a few moments when you flashed back, wasn't there?"

"I don't understand."

"To the Normandy- the SR-1. As the tube fell from its place, all you could think of was when the Normandy exploded. That's why you stopped breathing for a few moments."

"Oh?"

Her faux-disinterest was another thing he hated. Of course, he knew that it was just a defense mechanism.

"Hope, it's okay to have fears. It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes."

She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "I don't fear death, Kaidan," she informed him. "You can't fear something that was- _is_- so peaceful."

"I know."

With a sigh, she murmured, "I fear the consequences of life," as she drifted off to sleep.

Kaidan stared at her silently- worriedly- for a few minutes before releasing her hands and moving to pick her up. With her in his arms, he realized that she was lighter still than the last time he had picked her up.

She was neglecting herself.

He tucked her snuggly into bed and pressed a kiss to her forehead before making his exit from her quarters. He would have loved to stay and watched over her, but he had a call to make- one that would probably piss her off if she ever figured out it was his doing.

* * *

Kaidan paced restlessly outside the pod that held Shepard. Every now and then, she would twitch and her brow would furrow.

This was a battle with her mind- not tangible weapons and explosions. There was no way to help and protect her.

Kaidan hated what was happening.

"Is there no way to know what the hell is going on?" he demanded, not looking away from the impassive face of Hope.

"Shepard trusts Legion," EDI pointed out. "It hasn't been long enough to cause worry. We have to have faith in Shepard's abilities."

_Easy for her to say,_ Kaidan thought bitterly. However, he said, "I have nothing but constant faith for her- that doesn't mean that I don't worry about her, though.

"How's it looking up there, Joker?" Kaidan asked, trying to distract himself.

_"Whatever Shepard's doing is making an impact- most of the Geth fighters have been disabled. D'you think we could fit one in the Normandy to keep? We'll just pain it Alliance colors and replace the Kodiak."_

"So long as you don't let Shepard or Vega drive it," Kaidan snorted.

_"Yeah, no kidding- neither one of them know how to drive."_

Shepard's wrist twitched a few times and her brow furrowed again. Kaidan laid his hand on the glass and stared at her.

"Hope," he whispered.

_"All Geth fighters have been disabled,"_ Joker informed the ground team as Legion reactivated.

Moments later, the pod open and Shepard stumbled out into his arms- obviously trying to re-acclimate to the real world. Her hands splayed across the front of his chest and her face was buried in the crook of his neck.

"Hope," he murmured into her hair and she looked up at him with clearing blue eyes.

"Kaidan." She shook her head and stepped away from him. "Good catch, Major," she said, a bit more professionally.

"Anytime, Commander."

Shepard looked around and Tali gave her a small nod. "How'd it go?" she inquired- not to anyone in specific.

"All Geth fighters have been deactivated," Legion confirmed. "All is secure."

At that moment, several Geth Primes moved towards them and Shepard looked around nervously. "Are you sure?"

"These Geth wish to join our cause, Shepard-Commander," Legion informed them as the Primes broke into a salute.

Without skipping a beat, she responded in kind to their salute. "I'll let Admiral Hackett know that he's expecting a few Primes," she said, not even bothering to question their change of allegiance.

"We are ready to serve," the Primes responded.

With a nod, she gestured for Kaidan, Legion, and Tali to follow her back to the shuttle.

She was an amazing woman.

* * *

Shepard had decided to take James and Javik (she seemed to have an odd fascination with the Prothean) to rescue the Quarian Admiral. This presented Kaidan with the opportunity that he needed to contact someone who had the power to help him.

"Joker," Kaidan began, walking into the comm room, "set up a private link to Admiral Hackett and mark it as urgent."

_"You do realize that she'll kill you if she ever figures out what you're doing, don't you?"_ Joker asked, obviously half-distracted by what he was doing.

"Only way she'll know is if someone tells her," Kaidan pointed out.

_"Connected. Give the Admiral a few- he wasn't expecting to hear from us for at least a few hours,"_ Joker informed him.

Kaidan waited impatiently, drumming his fingers against his leg. No one knew how the long the mission was going to take and he needed to be back on the Crew Deck by the time Shepard came back aboard.

"Major," Hackett said, appearing as a Hologram, sounding only mildly surprised. "Joker marked this as urgent."

This was something that most people wouldn't do, Kaidan knew. You didn't ask a fleet admiral to grant the crew of a ship Shoreleave while in the middle of a war for your not-girlfriend. You also didn't do such a thing when said not-girlfriend was Commander Hope Ann Shepard.

"What I'm about to talk to you about needs to be completely confidential- it would do well to make sure that there are no prying ears on your end," Kaidan said slowly.

Hackett stared hard at him and then dismissed whatever crew had been around him. He turned back to Kaidan. "This isn't about Hope, is it?" he asked, suspicious.

"She's burning herself out, Admiral. She's not sleeping and barely eating- she's losing weight at an alarming rate. I have a request that she can never find out about."

His words seemed to have struck Hackett as worrisome. "Go on."

_What a relief._ "She needs some Shoreleave- a couple of days. The few hours she spends on the Citadel every now and then aren't cutting it. Right now we're doing a few back-to-back missions for the Quarians, but then we should be okay."

Hackett said nothing as he looked at Kaidan and then at a datapad that he was holding. "In about two weeks I could have a group of engineers work on the Normandy while she's docked on the Citadel- that should take a few days, at least. That's the earliest I can do."

"Anything that'll help," Kaidan acknowledged with a sigh of relief. "Just don't let her know that it's for anything but the Normandy."

A small smile played on Hackett's lips and he nodded. "She does have a bit of a temper, doesn't she? She's a lot like her mother, in that regard. You're a brave man, Major Alenko."

Kaidan snapped a salute. "You're not kidding, Admiral."

* * *

Shepard stood completely still in front of the Reaper beam- not even bothering to blink. She knew that this was do or die. It didn't do well to focus on anything else.

_I don't fear death._

"Commander!" Tali shouted over the comm.

She raised the targeting gun to take aim for the final time. At the distance between her and the Reaper- there could only be one more time.

_"Shepard!"_ Joker shouted over the comm, urging her on.

Just as her finger twitched on the trigger, Kaidan's voice broke over the comm. "HOPE!" He sounded like he was ready to vault across whatever distance was between them and take her place.

The beam locked onto the glowing eye not a minute too soon- she felt the heat from the beam on her flesh just as bombs fell from the sky at the Reaper. As it fell, she stumbled away from it and let her head fall back so she was looking towards the sky.

_I don't fear death._

"Hope!" Kaidan shouted again and she lowered her head in time to see Kaidan barreling at her. She didn't have time enough to tense when he grabbed her by the arms and shook her lightly before crushing her against him (a hard feat when both of them were in armor). "What were you thinking? Hope, just because you don't fear death doesn't mean that you have to invite it to you!"

She rested her head on his armored shoulder. "Hey, Kaidan," she said, humor lacing her voice. "You know, I just fought one of the craziest damn battles I've ever fought."

He rested his chin on top of her head. "Oh yeah- crazier than the Blitz?"

"That was child's play compared to the shit I just faced," she chuckled.

Kaidan kissed the top of her head. "We're going to the Citadel after this. We're getting back onto the Normandy and we're heading to the Citadel," he informed her.

"That an order, Major?" she laughed.

"If it has to be."

She nodded and looked up at him. "Citadel it is, then."

* * *

**_Author's Note:_****_ Okay, so I just wiped out the entire Quarian/Geth War in one chapter. It probably read a little rushed and distracted and I'm sorry (it's final's week this week at my college). Not to mention, I have a few things planned for the next three or four chapters- I've been eagerly anticipating this part. So, let me know what you think!_**


	35. Chapter Thirty-Five: Change

Kaidan sighed as he settled himself into his room. He began to check his messages via his omni-tool and was unsurprised by the lack of messages he had received: a few from Alliance Commander, one from Jack, one from Adria, and two from two different Spectres.

"Major, I've received data on your biotics team. Download to a datapad will take approximately one hour."

"Thank you, EDI."

* * *

Shepard stood quietly in the doorway and watched the Prothean curiously. Part of her yearned to touch him- to understand his pain while letting him have experiences that weren't solely based on war. Another part wanted to just understand him- who he was.

"I do not want your pity, Commander," he informed her without turning around.

She entered and walked up to his water basins. "I don't pity you, Javik. You wouldn't be who you are were if not for what you have experienced," she informed him matter-of-factly.

"I was born in a time of war. Mine was not a conception born from love, but of a need for future soldiers. There isn't a memory that I have that doesn't consist of learning to be or being a soldier."

His opening up to her would probably become a rare occurrence, so she decided to seize the opportunity. "That is no way for a child to be raised."

"Could anything else be truly expected? We were forced to adapt- to _change_- as the galaxy shattered around us." He turned around and looked at her with an intensity that almost surprised her. "Did you not notice change when you were brought back after two years?" Before she could answer, he continued on with his thoughts. "For you, the changes were sudden- noticeable-. But, when you evolve _with_ the change or are born after, you don't notice as much or realize what might have been.

"So, for this, I pity _you_, Commander. You have not been given such an opportunity to change- whether that is for the better remains to be seen."

* * *

_Kaidan,_

_Things are slowly getting back to normal. There's more C-Sec patrolling everywhere on the Citadel, but, otherwise, it's fine. I thought that maybe the war wouldn't touch here, but I guess I was wrong._

_I heard about what you all did. I'm very surprised that Commander Shepard was able to broker a peace between the Quarians and Geth. I don't know what you would've done, but I'd've been tempted to let the Quarian's defeat the Geth._

_I know that things between us didn't work out. However, I don't think it'd do well to focus so strongly on your commander. If you play your cards right, I could set you up with a pretty redhead that I met not so long ago._

_Take Care,  
Adria_

Kaidan knew that he only wanted one pretty redhead and she was currently making her normal, post-mission rounds on the Normandy. She would start out at the helm and then head down to the cargo bay and work her way up. Garrus would be next to last and he would be last.

_KA: Just got done with my post-mission routine and read your message. I'm going to decline your offer to set me up on a date._

_AM: Commander Shepard is lucky to have you. Despite everything, you're loyal to her. Most men would have given up._

_KA: I was the one in the wrong. The only thing that is difficult about her is what makes her who she is- her personality._

_AM: I still think you should consider Lia- she definitely seems like your type._

_KA: I didn't realize that I had a type. Not that it matters, because I'm not looking for a date._

_AM: Sorry, Kaidan, I've got to go- patient just arrived that requires intensive brain surgery. We'll talk later._

What in the world did she mean when she said that Lia (whoever the hell that was) was his type?

* * *

He had been different- an anomaly at the time. From his uniqueness sparked change. Before she had met him, she hadn't thought twice about putting multiple rounds into the chest of one of his kind.

Before him, she wouldn't have mourned the loss of his kind.

"Right before he died," EDI began, appearing beside of Shepard, "Legion asked a question. Why didn't you answer him?"

Looking down at the nameplate in her hands, she smiled. "Because he already knew my answer and Tali needed to admit hers out loud."

EDI stood silently as Shepard placed Legion's name on the memorial wall. "Even though he was a machine, you put his name up there?"

Shepard turned to EDI and gave her a small smile. "I don't care if someone is organic or inorganic. Legion was Geth, Thane was Drell, and Mordin was Salarian. You are an AI, Garrus is Turian, and Liara is Asari. None of that matters to me.

"He served aboard the Normandy and fought against the Reapers. There's no reason for his name _not_ to be put up."

"You are a remarkable person, Shepard," EDI stared. "Not many others would be so accepting."

"I don't care about color, texture, or components of someone's body- nor should anyone else. Acceptance should never be remarkable, EDI, is should be expected."

* * *

_"Kaidan," she greeted him with an easy smile._

_"Commander," he responded without thinking._

_She arched an eyebrow at him. "Wrong. Let's try again." She walked away from him so that she was out of sight and then came back. "Kaidan," she repeated._

_"Shepard." He was rewarded with a smile. "It would only be fair if I called you by your first name," he pointed out._

_"There is no power in this galaxy that could force be to give away that piece of knowledge. 's not personal- just cautious."_

_She was like that, he was discovering- not relinquishing very much knowledge about herself. She was a challenge and a puzzle._

_"Mind if I ask you a personal question?" he asked suddenly._

_Surprise flickered in her eyes, but she nodded. "Grab me a cup of tea, meet me at a table, and you can ask."_

_He adored that about her- her attempt at a request that carried the undertone of an order. He knew that she couldn't help it- at that point, it was all but bred into her. She meandered her way to the mess tables as he readied her tea and his coffee. By the time he made his way to her, she was situated in a strategically placed seat that gave her the most visuals and the greatest access to cover._

_As soon as he seated himself, she asked, "You got anyone back home waiting for you?"_

_Her question startled him (mostly because he wanted to ask her the same thing) and he was silent for a few moments. "No one but my parents. You?"_

_She took a long drink of her tea. "The Normandy is my home," she informed him._

_"You have anyone special here, then?"_

_Shepard leaned towards him and dropped her voice so that he had to lean closer. "We'll start with special and see where if goes from there," she purred. She finished her tea and nodded briskly. "Thanks for the chat, Lieutenant. Same time tomorrow?"_

* * *

Okay, so he lied to Adria. He definitely had a type. Long ago, he would have gone for someone like Adria- sweet, innocent, and naïve.

No matter what he tried to convince himself of, he was drawn to kind, adventurous, quick-witted, stubborn, strong women.

…or maybe it was just Hope.

* * *

"Nice to see some things never change," Kaidan said, not even looking up from the datapad that he was reading (which happened to be the deployment locations of his students).

Shepard walked over to the observation window and looked out at the stars, shaking her head against the memory of three years ago. Sometimes it was worse than others- it was really bad after sleeping in her bed (what had Cerberus _honestly_ been thinking when they put a window over her bed- she had been _spaced_ for god's sake)-, but it had gotten a little easier since her house arrest (six months of seeing stars through atmo was definitely worse than a few unpleasant memories).

"You've been on the Normandy for two weeks and you're just making this observation now?" she asked a little dryly, touching a hand to the cool window.

Kaidan smiled and put down the datapad. The words hadn't made any sense since she had walked into the room anyway. "Nah, just finally saying it out loud. I bet you still talk to Garrus _just_ before me- I'm last."

"What does that even mean?" she demanded as though he hadn't spoken. "'Some things never change.' Everything changes." She frowned at the hostility in her voice and changed her tone. "Everyone changed. _You_ changed." Her voice wasn't angry anymore, closer to flat and apathetic.

That was worse than angry.

He took a moment to think about what she had said. She had been just a little...off...since he had come back aboard the Normandy...no, before that- since he was in Huerta. She always seemed to be bracing for...something. "You didn't," he pointed out. "And that's not bad."

"Isn't it?"

They lapsed into silence- both unsure how to break it. "I know this great place on the Citadel," Kaidan finally said, causing Shepard to turn her head to look at him.

"Oh?" she asked.

Slightly shaken by her...coldness, he continued, "I hear that the food's pretty good. I was just wondering if you want to go."

Shepard turned around and faced him full on, her N7 jacket sagging slightly off of her right shoulder- revealing the thin line of her tank and a bit of her shoulder. Her eyes were searching- almost suspicious. "What're you planning on wearing?"

"Well, it's a pretty fancy place, so I'd probably dust off my suit that I have on the Citadel. D'you have something to wear?"

She felt her suspicious gaze turn cold. "Do you mean: do I have something other than dress blues or a pair of pants and a jacket? Maybe you think I'd show up in my BDUs?" Why was she angry with him, she wondered. She had been _dead_! Why did she expect him to stay loyal to a corpse?

"No! I just wondered if you needed time to shop," he answered, shocked from her anger. There had once been a time when he would have backed down- taken her coldness as a sign of rejection-, but, as she said, he had changed. Instead, he stood up and faced her full on. "So, do you?"

Shepard raised her chin enough to look into his eyes. She wasn't going to let her opinion of his new attitude show. "I haven't even said that I would go yet," a smile playing on her lips against her will.

He knew that look. Even after so long, he knew what that look meant. She was going to play hardball, and she was going to enjoy every moment of torture. He cocked an eyebrow and decided to change her rules. "But you're going to. How about we meet in the airlock on the second day of dock?" he proposed.

Again he surprised her. Shaking her head, she decided to throw him off his game somewhat. "No. I'll meet you where it all began- at the observation point in the wards," she countered, "second day of dock."

She expected him to cringe at the memory and was awarded with such. She gave him a small smile before patting his chest gently. "I guess you have a couple days- four to be exact- to try and get out of it, Major," she informed him before walking away- not sure if she wanted to smile or be angry.


	36. Chapter Thirty-Six: Recording

**_Author's Note:_****_ Okay, this is short and (I think) kinda sad. This is a result of seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness on Friday. This kinda popped into my mind yesterday and I've been thinking about how to put it into words since then. This is a random day to update mostly because I've already got (most) of the next chapter written and this was unintentional._**

**_Thank you for all the new followers, favs, and the reviews._**

**_NotYourLoveMonkey: Here's an update for your favorite drug._**

**_CyanB: The date (or at least the beginning of the date) will be on Friday._**

**_Magicklibra: A few days after your plead for another chapter, but here it is._**

* * *

Kaidan's omni-tool flared to life, letting him know that he had an unread message in his inbox. Sighing, he set aside the datapad with the information on his students and opened the unread message.

_To: Kaidan Alenko_

_From: Sender Unknown_

_Subject: Important Recording_

_Major Alenko,_

_In this message, there is a recording that was meant for you- save for the very end. Despite the time that has passed and the circumstances that occurred, it still only seems right that you are given the right to watch. I warn you that it is difficult to watch._

He had to admit that he was curious. After a few moments, he settled more comfortably on the couch looking out to the stars and pushed play.

Hope's face from before her death looked back on him- the scar from her battle with Saren/Sovereign was there right above her eyebrow. Sweat shone over her skin and she looked more than a little worried. Her blue eyes bore right into his.

_"Kaidan,"_ she murmured, her expression going soft and a small smile appearing. _"This recording is a risk, I admit it. If the Brass listens to this, there's a chance that you could get into trouble. I'm sorry about that, but I have a few things to say._

_"I'm dying, Kaidan. Oh, I'm sure there's a chance that I could live- the Alliance will fly in and save me at the last minute._

_"While, normally, I would encourage such optimism, I'm pretty sure that these are my last minutes alive, so please bear with me._

_"I'm running out of oxygen- I must have hit something and punctured the damn line." _She paused and gave a shuttering laugh that sounded so terribly desperate that it hurt Kaidan to even hear. _"I can practically hear your voice in my head telling me to stop talking- not to waste my breath making this recording for you._

_"Even were that _not_ an issue, the planet's gravitational pull is pulling me down- not to mention the fact that the concussion from the explosion sent me careening in this direction. I will never survive the reentry. That's not fatalistic, that's reality._

_"There's so much to say- things I wish that I'd already said. It seems like there's never enough time. I just found you," _she paused and blinked rapidly in a refusal to cry. She closed her eyes for a minute and forced herself to laugh again. _"I just found you and now I'm being torn away from you." _She took a rattling breath. _"I love yo_u_, Kaidan. I never said it- I never let you know that- and I regret that. Maybe you don't feel the same and that's okay- especially now,"_ she chuckled, her eyes watering up once more. _"Thank you for giving me that experience. Never before would I have thought that feeling would be possible._

_"On a related note, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I forced you to leave- that I made it an order. I could see it in your eyes that you were willing to die in order to save Joker."_

Kaidan shook his head. That wasn't what she had seen- not even by a long shot. He wiped his face clean of tears as she took several breaths on the screen. "You," he murmured, "I was willing to die to save _you_."

_"I couldn't lose you. The galaxy would be a much darker place if I had permitted you to stay and die. I'm also sorry that I'm dying. I'm sorry that you will mourn me."_

The recording fell relatively silent, aside from her increasingly ragged breathing and a few half-swallowed sobs.

The message had been right. It was difficult to watch.

_"I'm running out of time, Kaidan. I can only hope to run out of oxygen before entering atmo. How horrible is that to say? I would rather die from asphyxiation than from burning up." _Her blue eyes closed and she took a few short, shallow breaths that turned into coughs. _"Before I die, I'm going to ask you to do a few things for me._

_"First, take care of the crew- especially Joker. It's not his fault. He saved a lot of lives that might have otherwise died. He is a hero. Second, keeping looking for evidence on the Reapers. Finally, don't mourn me. I chose my fate by my own free will. Be angry with me of you must, but don't stop living. Don't feel guilty because I ordered you away. Live."_

She coughed breathlessly._ "It's getting hot. It's not a good sign. I've got to wrap this up- I don't…want you to see me die._

_"I love you, Kaidan. Stay safe…and have a good life. I'll…always be watching over you."_

She whimpered and gasped helplessly._ "End…rec…"_ she tried to say but broke off in a cough that seemed to rack through her entire body.

_"I go in peace…to whichever god may accept me,"_ she choked out, her eyes seemingly focused on whatever was outside of her helmet, her face slowly turning red.

Her face contorted in pain; sweat beading even heavier on her face. _"With open arms…I accept my death…with few…regrets." _Her eyes fluttered helplessly as she swallowed another whimper._ "Forgive me…the wrongs that I…have done…and judge me only for my good._

_"I die as nothing…more than what I was born…Hope Ann…Shepard," _she gasped out. _"Just one…wish. Protect my crew and Kaid…."_ She broke off with another cough followed by a whimper.

The recording fell silent- not even the sound of her breathing- as her face relaxed and a single tear fell from her still open eyes.

Kaidan buried his face in his hands. This was worse than anything he had ever expected. He wiped away his tears.

"Where did you get that, Kaidan?" Shepard asked from behind him. He turned around and looked guiltily at her. "I never wanted you to hear that last part- even now. I never wanted you to watch me die."

He stood up and looked at her. He could see the pain in her eyes as she stared at him. He wondered how long she had stood behind him and watched her recording.

"Someone sent it to me," he admitted.

"When?"

Kaidan stood there confused while she walked past him to the observation port. "Today."

She laid her hand against the cool glass before resting her forehead on it. "D'you know what the last thing I saw was?" she questioned quietly.

He remained where he was. "The stars?"

"They say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die- the good and the bad. The last thing I saw before I took that last shuttering breath was your face- the hurt, acceptance that came over you when I ordered you away."

"What actually…."

"Killed me?" she finished for him. "Lack of oxygen and the heat from entering atmo." She turned around and gave him a smile that almost seemed genuine. "You were supposed to get that recording relatively soon after that."

Kaidan gave her a small smile. "I've got it now, though."

As she walked by him, she paused and squeezed his arm. She looked up at him with a teasing expression that instantly made his heart leap. "Don't let it go to your head that you were the last thing I thought about before dying, Major."

He raised an eyebrow and smirked at her. "Always, Commander, always."

She released him and was just about to leave when Kaidan reminded her, "Don't forget about our date."

"Never," she promised just before leaving.


	37. Chapter Thirty-Seven: Date pt 1

The first day of dock had been filled with meetings and errands (just like every other time the Normandy docked on the Citadel). Shepard had told the crew that they would have the following day for leave.

As it was, she was dressed up in the black dress that she had purchased while Kaidan was at Huerta and she made a quick stop on the Crew Deck.

"Liara," she interrupted the Asari from whatever it was that she was doing.

"Shepard," Liara responded, looking over at her and nodded appreciatively. "You look nice- hot date?"

That made Shepard feel a tad uncomfortable. While it was a _date_ she didn't know if it could be classified as a _hot date._ As it was, she was kind of treating it like another mission (she didn't get to date much since she joined the Alliance when she was 18).

"I'm not sure. That's not why I stopped by."

Liara smiled and shrugged. "Need something?"

Shepard stared at her with a hard, probing expression. "I know it was you."

"I don't understand." Liara seemed genuinely confused.

"Only three people in the galaxy had access to the file that you sent to Kaidan the other day- the Illusive Man, Miranda, and you."

A sly smile slowly crept its way onto Liara's face. "And you don't suspect Miranda?"

Shepard ignored that. "Why would you send it to him after all this time? Why the hell wouldn't you delete the ending?"

"It was for him to hear- and he needed to hear it. The ending was just as much for him as it was for you at the time. I understand that you didn't want him to watch and hear you die, but he needed to really see. All the written facts and testimony mean close to nothing- but _seeing_…that's where true understanding and acceptance come from."

"That was not for you to decide," Shepard started tersely before turning on her heel (quiet literally since she was wearing heels) and made her way to the Citadel.

* * *

Shepard leaned against the railing at the observation point that had been the beginning of the whole romance with Kaidan...almost.

It could be said that it had all began on Eden Prime when she saved him from the Beacon, or on the SR-1 in the medbay (and just outside of it)...or, maybe, when she first walked onto the SR-1 and was introduced to her Lieutenant.

As she looked out at the station, she liked to believe that _this_ was the true turning point- the true beginning. He had spoken a bit too openly- not as a Lieutenant was to speak to his commanding officer.

She had felt the twist in her heart as she thought about what he had said all those years ago.

"Big place." His warm voice filled her entire being. It took a minute for her to realize that it wasn't a ghost memory voice, but actually Kaidan.

She didn't look over at him but, instead, straightened out. "This isn't a station, it's a city," she murmured, feeling his eyes flickering between her and the view just as he had done four years prior.

"There must be millions here. It can't be possible to track everyone coming and going." There was a smile evident in his voice and she fought to keep her expression straight.

Shepard enjoyed that he was playing one of her games- except, this time, it was _him_ that initiated it...this was his game. "The council represents more races than I thought, no wonder they're careful with newcomers."

She admired the new, confidant Kaidan- Major Alenko.

He had finally grown into himself.

Kaidan fell silent for a moment and then said, "Maybe they just don't like humans."

That hadn't been what he said- Ash had said that...cynical, racist Ashley. Shepard pursed her lips as the feeling of grief filled her. "Why not? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this...emotion called love. According to the old vids, we have everything they want." She struggled to figure out what to do with her hands, and settled for resting them on the railing of the observation point.

"When you put it that way," he murmured, wrapping an arm around her waist and then leaned to whisper- in her ear-, "there's no reason they wouldn't like you."

Shivering, she looked up at him with a cocked eyebrow. "That's not quite how it went." His face was so close and she fought against the urge to lean up and kiss him.

"Ahh, but, back then, we were so focused on following protocol and regulations. Things have changed."

That had Shepard stiffening, stepping out from his arm and looking him up and down- suspicion darkening her eyes. "Things _have_ changed."

Kaidan frowned, trying to figure out what he said wrong. After a few seconds with no luck, he gave her an easy, appreciative smile. "You look amazing, Hope," he said, trying again. He took a step towards her and lowered his voice (enough so that she had to lean into him to hear) saying, "What I can't figure out is where you strapped your gun because it's not at its normal place on your waist."

He knew her too well.

She glanced around before raising her dress a little to show him the pistol holstered to her inner left thigh. It took all of her self-control not to laugh when his eyes lingered on her bare thigh. "And I bet yours is tucked into that handsome coat of yours." He smirked and showed her his.

Wrapping his arm around her waist again, he began walking her through the wards. "If we keep this up, we'll never get there in time for our reservation," he informed her, his voice just rough enough for Shepard to reconsider her questions about him.

In response to him, she wrapped her arm around him and leaned against him lightly. "And we wouldn't want that- would we?"

* * *

They arrived five minutes late, but were granted their seats none-the-less. Perhaps it was out of charity, but, given the amused expression of the greeter, it was probably from a soft heart.

She wasn't sure whether to be grateful or annoyed.

Shepard had to admit that it was a pretty nice place. All around her, women wore dresses (a lot more frilly and feminine than her simple black dress) and the men wore tuxes. She took a moment to feel insecure until she realized that it didn't matter. She wasn't the kind of woman to dress up in elaborate, over-feminine outfits that showed _way_ too much skin (even though she _had_ contemplated a very different- _very_ revealing- black dress). And, from the way Kaidan was acting, he didn't even care.

As they skimmed the menus, she looked at him studiously. He really was handsome in his suit- it couldn't really be considered a tux. She had never before seen him in any kind of civies- though they _ha_d talked about going on leave together...but they were put on Geth search duty, and then she had died. He was always in his BDUs or his armor. Well, of course, she had seen him _out_ of those before too, but that was a different story. He was the kind of man that caused women to stop and stare- much more so since he had (very obviously) been working out a lot.

How could she not be jealous when a perky, pretty brunette wanted him?

"What're you staring at?" Kaidan asked, not looking up from his menu.

"How do you know I'm staring?" she asked curiously, looking down at her menu if only to prove him wrong.

He looked up at her and grinned. "Because I've been staring at you- only difference is, is that I'm a little more discreet."

Shepard bit her bottom lip and lightly touched her key necklace- drawing his attention down her neckline. His expression softened as he realized that she was wearing his gift. "I like how you look in that suit."

"I don't even come close to you in that dress-" he broke off. "Adria!"


	38. Chapter Thirty-Eight: Date Pt2

She felt her _Commander_ demeanor take back over. Her face slid into a careful blankness and her eyes showed nothing more than sternness.

"Kaidan!" the annoyingly perky voice of Adria greeted- to Shepard, it was as cringe-worthy as fingernails on a blackboard (though she had never _personally_ heard the sound, it was horrible on vids).

He smiled easily and gestured to Shepard. "Adria this is-"

Shepard turned around and saw Adria in a bright blue dress that was breezy, flattering, and..._fun_ (that was the best word she could find). She had her brown hair down and it played over her bare shoulders.

Once again, Shepard hated her for her careless femininity.

For being so damn perky.

A small part of Shepard added: for being a civilian. But Shepard could no more have gone ground-side and settled down than she could have convinced her parents to get a horse when she was a child.

"Lia!" she greeted. "I haven't seen you in a while. You taking care of him?" She looked over at Kaidan and playfully smacked his arm. "You said you didn't know her!"

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Kaidan mouth the name _Lia_ confusedly. "As much as anyone can. He's changed a lot since we last served together," Shepard said judiciously.

She laughed- more of a giggle- and nodded. "I can only imagine!" Her gaze turned to Kaidan before looking back at Shepard. "Oh my god," she whispered. "You're her."

Shepard wondered what look Kaidan had on his face that made Adria say that (whatever her statement even meant). She didn't bother looking at Kaidan, just kept her composure.

Not letting her confusion show, Shepard simply asked, "_Her_ who?"

"Commander Shepard."

"That's right," she confirmed, still not completely understanding, but taking guilty satisfaction from Adria's wide eyes- both fearful and disbelieving.

It was petty, and if her parents had seen, she never would have heard the end of it.

Adria looked at Kaidan and nodded. "This is her, isn't it?"

Again, Shepard felt lost at the true, vital nature of the words.

Shepard felt Kaidan's eyes on her. "Yeah, it is."

Adria looked between the two of them a couple of times before nodding- almost in acceptance. "Well, I'll let you both get back to it." She leaned forward in a conspiratorially manner. "I've got a date too."

Shepard gave her a cool smile that was as much part of her _commander mode_ as everything else was. "Knock him dead."

Adria smiled enthusiastically. "Take care!" she practically squealed as she walked away.

Turning back to Kaidan, she kept her cool _Commander face _on. He was watching her studiously, almost amused, and more than a little horrified. He gave her a mocking smile. "Do you know what you want to order, _Lia_?"

Shepard regarded him coldly before picking up her menu and pretending to scan it. "Don't tell Liara I butchered her name," was her only response.

They fell silent when the waitress came over for their orders. They both ordered a steak each (though Shepard was sure that _Adria_ wouldn't eat anything more than a damn salad) and he ordered an Earth whiskey and she ordered a glass of Asari honey mead- she contemplated something a little harder, but figured she'd want clarity.

After the waitress left, Kaidan cleared his throat. "So you know Adria."

Without skipping a beat, Shepard said, "Yes, I know Adria. She seems nice."

"When did you meet her?" He sounded strained.

He hadn't ever intended on Shepard and Adria meeting.

Mostly because Shepard was...well, _Shepard_.

As much as she kept her temper in check, she still had enough of one to make a Krogan think twice about pissing her off.

Shepard fought against the urge to fidget and continued to look him in the eye. "The day I had to bring you to Huerta."

He thought about that for a few seconds (with a look of pure horror) before understanding crossed his face. "That's why you've been acting so strange."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Major."

He ignored that, sounding as though he was doing nothing more than thinking aloud. "Why you've been acting like you're waiting to be told that I've moved on."

Her cool expression turned cold- practically frigid. "You're wrong."

"Change," he murmured and looked at her hard. "You think I've changed."

"I've already told you that _everybody_ changes- and _has_ changed," she pointed out coldly.

"Because of Adria," he finished.

Raising an eyebrow, she repeated a line from when they were still testing their romantic water. "Do you have any intentions there, Major?"

"None," he said firmly. "I prefer my women..._adventurous_."

A smile threatened and her _commander face_ slipped a fraction. "Not lavender smelling?"

Kaidan chuckled and reached across the table and took her hands in his own. "No. Not wearing blue dresses either." He ran his eyes over her and nodded. "I prefer black dresses and vanilla mint."

Letting her expression relax, she smiled at him. "Good," she said simply.

Kaidan leaned forward a little bit. "How'd you manage not to punch her?"

With a smirk, she lifted her glass of water and said, "I never punched that reporter- Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani."

Kaidan laughed. "Westerlund news." He sighed. "I kind of wanted to punch her for you."

They took a moment of silence as the waiter brought them their drinks. "I doubt that- it's not really your style."

He frowned at her. "I have a style?"

"Yeah," she assured him. "You're calm, collected, and rarely let what's happening around you bother you. You are the very essence of calm."

"Three times she's tried to make you look bad and three times I've had to practically lock myself in the brig so I don't go look for her and punch her _for_ you." He took a drink of his whiskey and looked at her knowingly. "If 'I' wanted to punch her, I can promise that _you_ wanted to."

"And you can thank my parents, Admirals Hannah and Nathaniel Shepard, for my ability to resist such a tantalizing opportunity."

Again they paused as their food was brought. "Was that why you didn't punch Adria?"

"No." She didn't elaborate.

"No?"

"No," she confirmed. "Well, maybe in the beginning. Then I restrained myself out of respect for you." She looked thoughtful for a few seconds as she swirled her drink. "That was a lie. I didn't punch her because of you- and, trust me, I came close once and had to walk away."

Again, they fell silent as a waitress brought them their food. As Shepard began cutting her steak, Kaidan (rather off-handedly) said, "You know, she tried to set me up with you- well not _you_, but your Lia character. She kept saying that she knew a cute redhead that I might be interested in."

Shepard chuckled. "I bet she kept telling you to get away from Commander Shepard and be someone more sensible- and, if not _her_, then Commander Lia."

Kaidan shrugged. "Didn't really matter- I already had a cute redhead that I was interested in."

She rewarded him with a smile. "You know, I think this was a good idea."

"Think we can ever get past my being an idiot on Horizon and Mars?" he asked cautiously.

She smiled and he suddenly felt her foot trailing its way up and down his leg underneath the table. "I think we're going to be just fine- despite everything."

He very nearly choked on a piece of his steak and looked down at it with a look of unadulterated anguish.

The steak was just so damn big….

Instead of saying anything else, he merely reached across the table and took her hands into his own. "So, where does this leave us?"

She smiled her crooked half-smile and bit her bottom lip. "I think this leaves us somewhere that allows you to take up a guest residency in the Captain's Cabin," she purred.

He looked down at his steak and began to eat faster.


	39. Chapter Thirty-Nine: Complicated

**_A/N:_**

**_WARNING:_****_ A character sexually assaults another. If not your cup of tea, please feel free to skip this chapter._**

**_Sorry I didn't post last week. Life got complicated for a multitude of different reasons. So, here this is and I hope it makes up for missing last week. :D_**

* * *

Dinner had been a good time for them both- seemingly long and never ending, but good none the less.

In some ways, it was like they were just getting to know each other while already knowing the sweet complexities that were their personalities.

While they were both eager for the date to be over so that they could progress to the next chapter of the evening (which, given the hand that Kaidan kept rested on one of Shepard's bare thigh and her other leg wrapped around on of his, they were both anticipating the same thing), they lingered over desert and one last glass of wine. By the end, they were as relaxed with each other as any long-lasting couple would be with each other.

It was almost like all of those missing years never happened.

After the last dishes were taken away and Kaidan's credit chit had been returned (he denied her any opportunity to pick up any part of the bill stating, _This is a real date, damn it, and I will pay for it_), they got to their feet and left the restaurant. While they weren't holding hands or being openly intimate (they w_ere_ still part of the Alliance and there w_ere_ still regs against Fraternization, after all), they walked a little too close to be able to call it a _professional_ distance apart.

"Thank you," Shepard murmured for his ears alone as they stopped in front of a poster advertising the newest comedy romance movie.

He discreetly let his hand roam down her arm to squeeze her hand briefly. "For what?"

She cocked her head and smiled at him sweetly. "For convincing me that it was okay to take some time for just us," she answered leaning her head briefly onto his shoulder.

Kaidan smiled and kissed the top of her head (thankful for the late hour and the reduced foot traffic). "The night isn't over yet, Hope," he reminded her.

Biting her bottom lip, Hope looked around the corridor before backing him into a corner away from any potential prying eyes. "And what, _Major Alenko,_" the way she said his rank and last name sounded like a dirty promise that had a shiver going down his spine, "is left to do?" She spoke the final words with her lips pressed against his neck and her hands on his chest.

He eagerly moved his hands to her waist and pulled her closer to him. He took the opportunity to capture her lips with his own.

Neither was sure which one groaned first, but the intent was clear:

They wanted to get somewhere alone.

Soon.

He moved his lips to nibble her earlobe and smiled as she pressed harder against him. With his lips still on her ear, he murmured, "Well, we could always go to my apartment or your cab-"

Her omni-tool flared to life marking an urgent call and she cast him an apologetic look as she stepped away from him before making sure that she looked relatively acceptable. Taking a deep breath to calm herself, she opened up the call. "Commander Shepard," Hackett greeted, scrutinizing her.

"Sir," she responded, making sure that she was the only one he could see. "Something urgent?"

Hackett narrowed his eyes at her, and, though Hackett couldn't see, Kaidan did too. "I tried contacting you on board the Normandy but Traynor said something about you being off duty for the remainder of the evening."

Shepard didn't even fidget as she nodded at Hackett. "That's correct, sir, but if this is urgent then I'll forget the rest of my plans for the evening," she answered- just like the Alliance Golden-Girl she had always been.

Kaidan glared at her and she had to struggle not to let a small smile loose.

They would both hate it, but they were soldiers before they were humans- especially given the current state of the galaxy.

"Am I interrupting?" Hackett asked through narrowed eyes.

While Kaidan nodded his head in affirmation (enthusiastically), Shepard merely shook her head. "Nothing that can't be shuffled to a later time," she assured him, lying through her teeth.

"Well, Commander, I've got a few leads on Cerberus spies that are currently on the Citadel," he informed her matter-of-factly.

She nodded. "I'll wrap them all up tonight," she assured him.

Hackett nodded. "Thank you, Hope," he said suddenly, dropping all façade of professional formality. "Oh, and one other thing."

"Yeah?" Well, if he was going to be informal- then so was she.

Hackett smirked. "Tell Kaidan I'm sorry for interrupting you," he chuckled. Before Shepard could even process his words, he smiled, "Until later, Hope," and signed off.

Shepard remained staring down at her omni-tool in surprise and was startled when Kaidan wrapped his arms around her waist. "What the hell just happened?" she demanded.

Kaidan kissed her temple. "That would be the Admiral letting you know that you weren't fooling anyone and that was him giving us his approval."

She shook her head in disbelief. "It's the middle of a war and Admiral Hackett gave his blessing on my relationship," she shook her head and stepped away from Kaidan. "I've got to go take of this," she said, looking as irritated as him. "Rain check?"

"I'll hold you to that."

Shepard leaned in and pressed a kiss onto his lips. "I'll take you up on that," she promised, walking away.

It was a long, lonely walk back to the Normandy. He had known that it would have been long- but he expected to have a certain Commander teasing him along the way.

He kind of hated Admiral Hackett in that moment.

"Tell me about her," a quiet voice implored from behind him, effectively stopping him in his tracks.

It just didn't sound quite right.

He turned around to face the person who spoke- taking care not to let his aggravation from the way the night had ended show on his voice or in his voice. "You mean Shepard?"

She gave him a look that stated that he knew damn well who she was talking about and his asking was just an insult. "I've _never_ seen you look so con-con-con…_happy_- why her?" As he suspected from the way she was standing, the way she spoke confirmed that she was drunk.

He lowered his head, already feeling exhausted from the conversation. "I thought you had your own date, Adria."

Adria shook her head and leaned forward. "I _lied_," she admitted.

From the smell of booze on her breath, she would, most likely, not even remember the night's events. None the less, he couldn't find it in himself to be overly rude. "Go home and sleep it off," he ordered kindly.

"Don' you wanna know why I'm all dressed up even though I don' have a date?" she slurred.

Sighing, Kaidan decided that hearing her out would be the quickest way to end the encounter and make it back to the Normandy to wait for Shepard. "Okay. Why are you all dressed up?"

Adria stumbled and, on instinct, Kaidan caught her and she looked up at him from underneath her eyelashes. "I heard you were going to be there," she admitted.

Kaidan shook his head. "Adria, I'm with Shepard. We ended this months ago and we parted friends. Don't do this."

She locked her eyes on his lips and licked her own. "Please, Kaidan," she pouted.

Again, Kaidan shook his head. "Let's get you home before you do something we both regret."

He wrapped an arm around her waist and began leading her back to her apartment (praying to every single damn deity known to every species that none of the crew, media, or Shepard would see what was happening).

Adria leaned against the wall right beside of her door as Kaidan unlocked it and then helped her in and onto her couch. "She'll do nothin' but ruin you, Kaidan," she slurred, pushing down the straps of her dress and letting it pool at her waist.

Now, given the fact the he had been cock blocked by the Admiral of the Alliance, he didn't think that his staring at her bare chest for a few moments (no more than ten…really) before looking away. "What're you doing, Adria?" he asked, wishing that he had forced Shepard to ignore Hackett's orders.

"You never touched them, Kaidan," she slurred, ambling to her feet and the dress fell to the floor in a puddle of fabric, leaving her in nothing but a pair of sheer, blue lace panties.

Oh, he was in a special kind of hell reserved for committed men.

"Put your clothes back on, Adria," he said through gritted teeth. "I'll leave before we can finish this conversation."

She ignored him and stumbled towards him. "I'm softer than she could ever think of being," she murmured.

Kaidan turned his back on her and fumbled with the door.

He had to get out.

Immediately.

Her bare body pressed against his back as her hands worked down the front of her pants and he just stood there for a moment too long as she took him in her hand.

"Whoa!" he shouted, managing to get her away from him. "Adria, this is beyond inappropriate. I'm leaving," he informed her.

For being drunk (and a civilian to boot), he had to admit that she moved quickly as he suddenly found her lips on his.

He blamed his hormones for the few seconds he kissed her back before pushing her away.

Not saying another word, he managed to get out of the apartment and back to the Normandy. He wasn't quite sure how he got back…but he did.

It had taken a few hours before she was finished (it was close to 0100 hours), but she finally made it back to the Normandy- her heels in her left hand and her right hand clutching the broken chain of her necklace.

She was ready for a hot shower and some sleep. She figured she'd catch up with Kaidan in the morning- he was probably already asleep anyway and it wouldn't be kind of her if she woke him up.

"Commander," EDI greeted from the cockpit.

Shepard nodded before making her way to the elevator and up to the captain's cabin- leaning heavily against the wall as she began unzipping the back of her dress in preparation for that hot shower she was yearning for.

Stepping out of the elevator, she ground to the halt when she saw Kaidan sitting against her door, his chin resting on his chest as he slept- obviously waiting for her. With a soft smile, she leaned down and kissed him gently.

"Kaidan," she whispered, "you didn't have to wait up for me."

He looked up with sleep glazed eyes and gave her a tired smile. "Wanted to. Got stuff to tell you."

She stood and held out her hand to help him to his feet. He took it and walked behind her as she opened her door.

"Go ahead and sit down while I change," she said, gesturing to the couch while grabbing a pair of lounge pants and a tank top, walking into the bathroom.

Coming out, she was surprised to see Kaidan sitting at her desk and staring at the holo of him on her desk. "When d'you get this?" he asked, sounding more awake.

"Miranda put it in my cabin when I woke up. It never moved from there," she stated, leaning up against the wall beside of her hamster.

He eyed her relaxed stance and sighed. "I ran into Adria on my way back to the Normandy," he admitted and hated it as he watched her tense. "She was drunk and I had to walk her back to her apartment."

"Okay," she said with forced easiness.

He definitely hated himself.

"She took off her dress and stood there in only underwear," he murmured, lowering his eyes. "Then she put her hand down my pants."

Shepard said nothing, just waited for him to continue. Her thoughts were absolutely blank as he stood.

"I pushed her away and then she kissed me." Still, she said nothing. "I kissed her back."

That got a reaction. Shepard drew in a sharp breath and her hands clenched into tight fists.

"It didn't mean anything- it was just a shock and my body reacted automatically!" he assured her, stepping towards her, wanting her to understand that it didn't mean anything.

* * *

**_A/N:_****_ Please cue the evil writer laugh! MWAHAHAHA!_**


	40. Chapter Forty: Angry

**_A/N:_**

**_WARNING: There is a short section of violence and sexual taunting. If it's not your cup of tea, please feel free to skip over this chapter._**

**_Here's a short addition to Friday's chapter to hold you guys over until the next chapter. I have to say that I absolutely love all the reviews (I can't tell you guys how much they brighten my day when I see that I have a new review in my inbox). A few of them made me chuckle and I've taken them into consideration in this and the coming chapter(s). I also love all the new favorites and followers (as well as my silent readers- I can't hold a grudge against you because I am frequently one as well)._**

**_So, here we go!_**

* * *

_**(Last Sentence from Chapter Thirty-Nine)**_

_"It didn't mean anything- it was just a shock and my body reacted automatically!" he assured her, stepping towards her, wanting her to understand that it didn't mean anything._

* * *

She narrowed her eyes and pushed him so that he stumbled down the stairs. She narrowed the space again and drew close enough to draw his lower lip in between her teeth as he gripped her hips tightly in his hands (in the back of him mind, he absently thought that he'd probably leave bruises, but it wasn't pressing enough to loosen his fingers).

Strangely, he found it painfully erotic- her kiss.

"Did you like it?" she demanded.

"Huh?" His mind was completely lost on anything but her body pressed against him so he started when she pulled back far enough to slap him across the face.

He deserved that.

He was lucky she didn't punch him.

She gripped his face between her hands and forced him to focus on her. "Her kiss," she emphasized it with a hard kiss of her own.

Her kiss was very different from that of Adria. Despite being drunk, Adria's kiss had been soft and almost questioning- pleading. Shepard's was hard- demanding. She knew what she wanted from Kaidan and she took it by her own power. She didn't need him to make her feel wanted, she allowed him the pleasure of knowing that she wanted him.

"Her hand down your pants," she continued as she snaked a hand to just above his waistband- not dipping any lower. Their bodies were still pressed tight against each other and he could practically feel her anger radiating off of her.

"Her body pressed against yours." Shepard pressed another hard kiss against his lips- more of a war with tongues and teeth than a kiss, really.

"No," he choked out as she forced his hands to grip her breasts through her tank.

Her breath stuttered when he lowered his head to lay kisses along her neck. "Is this what you did with her?" she demanded, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down harder. "Did you palm her breasts and kiss her like she was the only woman you thought of?"

"No," he insisted.

She laced her fingers through his hair and pulled hard enough so that his head was forced up. "Are you sure your body didn't just do it _automatically_?" she hissed.

Kaidan shook his head and stepped back (despite his body insisting that he stay exactly where he was). "You don't get it, do you?" he asked gently.

Shepard's eyebrows shot up as she stared at him in surprise. "Excuse me?"

Oh boy. He knew that tone. If he didn't remedy the situation soon, there was likely to be at least one murder (most likely two, though) and possibly an explosion on the Citadel.

Everyone knew how Hope loved explosions.

"I don't love her- I never did. There's only you- only _ever_ been you, Hope. What happened earlier was a mistake that won't happen again."

She eyed him coldly as she tried to figure out his sincerity. "You're mine," she informed him matter-of-factly. "You're not hers."

"I know," he assured her.

Again, she stared at him. "I'm still mad."

"I know."

"Would it make you very angry if she happened to turn up dead in the next could of days?" she asked, deceptively sweetly.

Kaidan shook his head tiredly. "Not so much angry as upset that you let it bother you so much. You won't do it, anyway- it's not who you are."

She let a small smile loose as she walked up to him and kissed him gently on the lips. "Doesn't mean that I can't fantasize about it."

He gripped her hips once again. "How about we forget about it and continue our evening?" he asked, kissing her.

Laughing, she pushed him away. "Take a shower, brush your teeth, and go to bed, Romeo," she ordered. "We'll have to pick this up some other night- for some reason, the thought of you still wearing the same clothes that another woman pressed her naked body on doesn't do it for me."

"Hope," he groaned.

"March it, Major," she ordered. "Back to the crew deck with you- and consider it appropriate punishment for your body _reacting automatically._"

Kaidan pouted on his way out the door. "Good night, Hope."

"Try again some other night when another woman hasn't had her tongue down your throat and her hands down your pants," she offered.

Dejected, he shuffled uncomfortably down to his quarters.

He glanced down at his erect member and sighed. "This is your fault," he muttered.

* * *

**_A/N:_****_ Have no fear, I have something special planned for the next chapter._**

**_Not so evil Mwahahaha! ;D_**


	41. Chapter Forty-One: Fifty Shades

**_A/N: There are a few things that I have to say and an apology that I apparently need to make. I'll do the apology first. I have obviously offended a few of my readers with the last two chapters (which was never my intention- that needs to be made VERY clear) and I'm sorry about that. However, with that said, this is just fiction and it is clearly labeled drama and M. In the future, I'll make sure to clearly label things in chapter if there's even the slightest chance that I will offend people. Also, if you are beginning to have problems with how I'm writing, please feel free to message me with suggestions or constructive criticism. I love it when people give me ideas on what they would like to read. On one hand, I have people telling me that Shep slapping Kaidan was taking things too far and, on the other hand, there're people who say that she should've been harsher. But, in light of the recent complaints, I rewrote this chapter (I'm not saying that the original won't eventually make an appearance, but that'll happen at a later time)._**

**_So, if there're people out there still with me, let me know what you do and don't like and give me suggestions. With that said, please enjoy!_**

* * *

Kaidan woke up fairly early- especially given the late hour in which he had finally fell asleep-, got dressed, and went to the mess to get his first cup of coffee for the day (he had a serious belief that it would be a multiple cup kinda day…most were since the attack on Earth).

Surprisingly, Shepard was already at a table with a cup of tea (he'd bet big credits that it was a steaming cup of green tea), a bagel, and a datapad in her hand. She was thoroughly engrossed in whatever it was that she was reading and didn't even look up- he found it mildly surprising that a N7 (not to mention Shepard herself) would be so oblivious to everything around.

He sat down beside of her and noted the small smile on her lips as she read the words.

Well, that ruled out mission debriefs.

"Hope," he greeted her quietly.

It was a shock to see her startle and quickly turn off the datapad with a blush. "Kaidan!" she gasped her greeting.

"Whatever you were reading must have been riveting," he said with more than a little humor.

Her blush darkened as she shrugged and took a bite of her bagel. "Something like that," she said nonchalantly. "How'd you sleep last night?"

"Alone," he stated matter-of-factly, but softened his words with a smile.

She reached out hesitantly and touched his cheek where she had slapped him. "Sorry I slapped you," she murmured.

"I deserved it," he acknowledged, covering her hand with his own.

"Doesn't make it any better. I could have seriously hurt you."

Kaidan thought about that for a long moment. "But you didn't- and, honestly, I don't think you could." As she opened her mouth to argue, he raised a hand to cut her off. "I'm not talking about you being _physically_ capable. I meant that you couldn't because of who you are- who you were _raised_ to be."

She gazed at him as she processed his words. "I had no right to- we never established any sort of relationship and she was drunk."

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "Would it make you feel better if I hit you?"

Her eyes glanced towards her datapad and then back to him. "Would you?"

"No. I just wanted to know what you'd say." He squeezed her hand and pressed it against his chest at his heart. "I'd like us to be exclusive...except you have to do one thing first."

"Oh?" she asked, surprised.

He smiled mischievously. "Tell me what you were reading that had you completely oblivious to the entire galaxy."

Shepard tried to hide a grin and lightly bit her tongue between her front teeth. "Fifty Shades of Grey," she murmured, leaning provocatively into him. "It was a very popular book back in the twenty-first among women."

He stared at her blankly. After a few moments, she stood- leaving her datapad on the table. "Feel free to read some of it while James, Javik, and I are planet side," she suggested. "Later, Major."

As the ground team began to go down to the planet, Kaidan made his way to the helm as was his normal routine when he remained onboard. He'd begin whatever story Shepard left him with after he saw the first few minutes of her mission.

* * *

He walked in just in time to hear her voice say (obviously happy), "Grunt!" and he watched as she hugged a Krogan that was nearly as big as Wrex and he greeted her by her last name- seeming just as pleased to see her.

Kaidan sat down in EDI's empty spot. "Looks like there's a story there," he stated.

Joker snorted. "That's an understatement. Those two are like surrogate mother and son. Ever since she 'gave birth' to him from his tank and she worked him through the beginning confusion, they made a strange...bond."

"Really?" Kaidan chuckled, watching James' vidcam to see the interaction between Hope and the Krogan.

Joker rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah, she babied that big killing machine. No lie, the first time he had a gunshot wound and the shrapnel had to be removed, Shepard had to be there- he wouldn't let anyone near him until she was there." Joker shook his head. "Then she fixed him some kind of soup and stayed with him until the big brute fell asleep. Of course, no one's supposed to know _that_ part."

"And yet, unsurprisingly, you do," Shepard said over the comm. Thankfully she didn't sound too upset over Joker's revelations. "You left comms open again."

Joker chuckled. "Actual accident that time, Commander."

"Uh-huh."

Joker clicked the ship comms off and grinned at Kaidan. "You sure you know what you're getting into with her?"

Kaidan rolled his eyes and left the helm for the observation deck to see what was so enthralling about the story she was reading.

* * *

He walked to the mess- still shocked from what he had read. It was clearly aimed towards a female audience, but it had interesting insight into the woman psyche.

Of course, the sudden appearance of a stretcher holding a very beat up and bloody Krogan along with Shepard was enough to jolt him from his inner musings.

Hope held onto Grunt's hand and was murmuring something that was clearly only meant for the Krogan's ears. Kaidan noted that Grunt seldom looked away from her- as though she was a balm amidst all the pain.

They disappeared into the Medbay just as quickly as they appeared in the mess, leaving Kaidan with little more to do than sit and wait to see what was happening.

* * *

"Major," Chakwas' voice surprised him from his thoughts as he sat in the mess drinking coffee and thinking about Hope's book and everything that had happened recently.

"Doctor Chakwas, how're Shepard and the Krogan doing?"

"They're asleep in the Medbay. Thankfully I was able to finally give Grunt some relaxants and sleep meds. Commander Shepard is asleep in the chair next to him- after the adrenaline ran its course and she made sure that Grunt was taken care of, she fell asleep."

Kaidan stared at the doctor in horror. "Is she okay?"

"Minor injuries- nothing medigel couldn't handle. Her main worry was about that Krogan in there." When he said nothing, she smiled sympathetically at him. "What she needs is to sleep in her own bed- not in a chair," she hinted.

Kaidan sat with a blank face for a few moments before he understood what she was telling him. He smiled and waited for her to go off to the crew quarters before making his way to Medbay.

As the door opened, he stood there for a good long while and just stared at the sight that was before him.

The Krogan was passed out on a hospital bed covered with cuts and contusions. Hope had one of his massive hands in her own and slept with her head on what little mattress was left.

With a small smile, he walked over to the bed and chair and gently untangled their hands. She muttered something in her sleep as he lifted her into his arms and she buried her face in his neck.

He walked to the elevator and was glad that it was open and waiting for him (a perk, he supposed, from having a fully aware AI) and it closed and headed for the loft space without him even having to say anything.

There was a cut just below her right eye that hadn't been there before she left on the mission and a few bruises that he could see. He wondered if it would be appropriate for him to put her in her pajamas and promptly decided not- things were much too tense and unsure between them.

He exited the elevator and quickly took her to her bed- only allowing himself to take off her shoes before tucking her underneath of the covers.

With a sad smile, he murmured, "G'night, Hope," and started to make his own exit.

"Kaidan," she whispered, "don't."

Her voice stopped him. "What d'you mean?" he asked as he slowly turned around and was faced with her half-closed, tired eyes looking at him.

"Sleep here tonight," she suggested. "Just sleep. We'll work on the rest later."

Kaidan nodded and took off his shoes before making his way back to her bed and lying on the other side of the bed- making a conscious choice not to touch her.

She frowned at him and scooted closer to him, resting her face close to his and her hand on his chest. "'s okay?" she asked, tiredly unsure.

Kaidan carefully laid an arm over her waist and smiled. "More than okay. Go to sleep, Hope,"

She chuckled, "Yes, Sir."

As Shepard drifted to sleep, he kissed the top of her head and smiled.

Yes, they were a passionate couple- as likely to be cuddling as to be fighting with angry words and harsh gestures-, but, at the end of the day, they'd find each other again.

With those thoughts, he too drifted to sleep.


	42. Chapter Forty-Two: Orders

Waking up, Shepard wondered if EDI had been messing with the environmental controls again because she was distinctly warmer than she normally was any other time.

Of course, that was better than when EDI had decided to _lower_ the temperature to see what effect it would have on the crew's efficiency.

She rubbed her eyes and wondered if she'd need to have another talk with the AI about the power of self-control and how inconsiderate it was to experiment on people. That was when she realized that there was something large and heavy across her abdomen and something- presumably a body- pressed against her back.

Despite all of the lost time, Shepard could have recognized those hands with her eyes closed with nothing more to go on than touch. A part of her wanted to go back to sleep for a little while longer and just linger in his embrace for as long as possible.

Despite her wishes, the more logical part of her brain reminded her that they were in the middle of a galactic war that was bigger than her and a renewed romance that was still just as against Alliance protocol as it had been on the SR-1.

Of course, though she was his superior officer while they served on the Normandy, he outranked her.

So, their roles were somewhat switched from the last time- a fact that gave Shepard more than a few chuckles.

Shepard carefully eased out from under Kaidan's arm and got out of bed with more than a little regret. That was about the point she realized that she was still in the fatigues she had been wearing when she came back from her last mission.

Well, apparently, it was shower time.

* * *

Something was wrong.

Kaidan kept his eyes closed as he tried to identify the problem.

The bed- at least, he _assumed_ that it was a bed- was too soft and spacious to be a crewman's bunk or a sleeping pod. He had been pretty positive that, if memory served, he hadn't gone asleep by himself and, yet, he could tell that he was, in fact, alone.

He really hoped that it hadn't all been a dream and he was still at Huerta with nothing to do but watch the news and twiddle his thumbs.

It was a relief when he opened his eyes and he was in Shepard's personal quarters. Alone, true, but still there. Of course, he wasn't truly alone since he heard the shower.

He stretched leisurely and looked at the glass case holding model ships and a desk with an abused looking N7 helmet on...oh. He quickly moved his eyes away from that when he realized what it was- when it was from.

How could she fall asleep and wake up with that just in eyesight?

Oh, that's right, she wasn't really sleeping.

As the shower turned off, Kaidan felt his stomach clench.

What if his staying last night was a bad decision she made from sheer stress?

What if she was horrified to see him still in her bed?

The door to her bathroom opened and she paused at her private terminal to check her messages, which produced a small frown as her eyes moved from left to right. From her clothes- her normal black cargo pants and a tank-top that she wore under her N7 jacket- and easy set of her shoulders, Kaidan could tell that she was relaxed and at ease.

He had missed seeing that over the years.

She glanced through her display case and her smile widened. "Hey there, Major," she smirked, walking around into her living area. "I thought I was going to leave you a note and sneak out of my own quarters."

As she sat down on the bed beside of him, he sat up and wrapped an arm around her to pull her closer. Lowering his voice to the point that forced her to lean in, he said, "You could've woken me up at any time."

He heard her breathing quicken and saw her eyes widen. However, despite all of that, she recovered enough to sound somewhat normal. "You said you hadn't been sleeping well, Kaidan, and you looked so peaceful that I didn't want to disturb you."

Kaidan shrugged and decided to change the topic before he revealed too much. It was true that he hadn't been sleeping, but, with her next to him, he slept like there was nothing to worry about. "What's the message that made you frown like that?"

Shepard sighed. "Just Bailey wanting me to go to C-Sec as soon as I can. He didn't expand on it."

Kaidan dared to press a kiss against her temple. "The curse of being Commander Shepard, N7, and first human Spectre."

She smiled and pulled out of his embrace as she stood up. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. If only the second human Spectre wasn't such a bum," she snorted, softening her words with a smile before turning to walk away.

He smirked and got out of her bed, wrapping her against him. Leaning down, he whispered, "A bum, huh?"

She shivered again. "Oh yeah," she murmured, leaning her head back onto his shoulder, "a bum with a nice ass."

Kaidan chuckled and turned her around so she was facing him and lowered his face towards her. "Yeah?" he whispered, slowly lowering his mouth down to hers.

He could feel her sudden intake of breath as she leaned up to meet his kiss and-

_"Commander, Admiral Hackett is requesting a vid-chat with you down in the comm room,"_ Joker informed her over the comm.

Hope let her head fall onto Kaidan's shoulder in defeat. "How urgent did it sound?" she questioned, running her fingertips up and down his sides.

_"This is Fleet Admiral Steven Hackett we're talking about,"_ Joker said pointedly, _"everything he says sounds like it's urgent."_

"Tell him I'll be down in five," she sighed.

_"Roger,"_ Joker said, clicking off the comm.

Kaidan rested his cheek on the top of her head. "For someone who says that he approves of us, it sure seems like he's constantly interrupting us," he pointed out.

Hope sighed and, with that one exasperated breath, seemed to transform back from the woman to the soldier. She leaned up and gave him a small peck on the lips. "Duty calls, Major."

* * *

Shepard stood at an easy parade rest as she gazed at the holo of Hackett. "Commander, the Normandy needs to be repaired and her retrofitting completed," he informed her. "Flight Lieutenant Moreau-"

"Joker," she corrected him.

Hackett's brow creased in disapproval but, otherwise, showed no knowledge of her interruption. He continued, "-has informed me that you're headed to the Citadel."

"That's right, Sir," she confirmed.

Hackett nodded. "Once docked, you and your crew will be placed on shore leave for the duration of the repairs."

"But, Sir, there is a war-"

He stopped her mid-sentence with a disapproving look she recognized well from her childhood- it seemed like her father and Hackett learned that look from the same place. "I am well aware of the current state of the galaxy, thank you, Commander. This does not negate the fact that the tip of our spear is in need of repair. The ship aside, you and your crew are exhausting yourselves and will be no good for the war if you continue on in this manner."

Hackett stared at her, almost daring her to argue with him. Instead, she pursed her lips. "Can we negotiate when Shoreleave will begin, sir, or is it set in stone?"

"I'll rearrange the schedule and make it the second day of dock on the Citadel. That'll give you time enough to get all of your official business done." His expression softened a little. "Relax a little, Hope- everyone's worried about you."

"Gee, _Sir_, you sure this is about the ship at all?" she asked. "And, I'll have you know, I had a full eight hours' worth of sleep past night with no interruptions."

Hackett eyed her in disbelief. "None the less, _Commander_, this isn't a suggestion or even a plea- it's an order."

She rolled her eyes but snapped a salute. "Aye-aye, Sir."

"You are definitely Nate's daughter," he muttered in exasperation as he responded to her salute with one of his own. "Please try to leave the Citadel intact, Hope."

"No explosions?" she pouted good-naturedly.

"No," Hackett said firmly. "Be good."

"Sure, sure. Until next time, Admiral."

* * *

After a quick shower and change of clothes, Kaidan wandered up to the Helm. Sitting down in the co-pilot seat, he asked, "EDI find a new post?"

"Nah, I think she's talking to Liara about something." Joker shrugged. "I noticed that your sleeping pod was suspiciously empty last night and this morning."

Looking horrified, Kaidan wondered, "You check and make sure I'm in my pod?"

"I look into everyone's pod, man. Anyway, were you making up for lost time in Shepard's cabin?" he taunted, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"I'm sorry?" Kaidan gasped, turning a strange shade of red.

Joker sighed and looked away from the screens to look at his friend. "Were you guys sleeping together?" he asked slowly, as though to a child.

A chuckle from behind them had both men hunching their shoulders in horror. "Really, Joker?"

The pilot shrugged. "Inquiring minds want to know, Commander."

Shepard walked next to Kaidan and laid a hand on his shoulder and gave him a secret smile before looking at Joker. "Okay, fine, I'll tell you. Yeah, we slept together _all_ night long."

Joker grinned- his eyes practically disappearing. "How was it?"

"Best eight hour sleep I've had since I died," she admitted and took immense joy from Joker's immediate deflation.

"You mean you guys just _slept_?"

"That _was_ what you asked, was it not?" Kaidan piped in.

Laughing, Shepard informed them, "Beginning on the second day of dock, the crew is on Shoreleave while the Normandy is under-going repairs. Plan accordingly."

After she walked out, Joker remained pouting. "You guys just cost me a hundred creds," he informed Kaidan sullenly.

"One day you'll learn not to make a bet on her, Joker."


	43. Chapter Forty-Three: Surprises

The Normandy docked on the Citadel just like normal and she watched after the hospital attendants as they pushed Grunt out of the Normandy and to Huerta for evaluation and full-repair. She reminded the crew to prepare for Shoreleave that would begin the next day. Everyone seemed pretty excited for a few days for themselves- it wasn't as though there were many chances to just relax while in the middle of a war with giant, mythical beings.

Kaidan smiled warmly at her as she left the Normandy….

Almost like they had a secret….

_Not yet,_ her mind reminded her.

With a sigh worthy of a stage, she headed to the embassies and smiled as random officers and other important people greeted her. She made her way into Bailey's office and smiled kindly at the man.

"Bailey," she greeted, looking over him- a habit she had picked up thanks to the war.

"Commander Shepard," he responded, standing up and handing her a datapad that had been sitting right beside his terminal. "I've got news on the kids you brought in a while back."

Shepard frowned as she read the report. "Out of the five kids, only two of them had surviving parents?" she murmured. "What happened to the other three?"

Bailey sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Two have been taken into other families. The other- the youngest-, well…he's sick. He's been at Huerta for a while, asking for you by name."

The words on the datapad seized to mean anything as she tried to process what he was saying. "What's wrong with him?"

"Above my pay grade," he shrugged empathetically. "From what I could tell, though, it was pretty serious."

She took a deep breath. "What's his name?"

"Tyler."

Carefully laying the datapad on Bailey's desk, she nodded her head. "Thanks for letting me know. Anything else that I need to know about?"

Bailey shook his head. "Doesn't seem like you need anything else to worry about, all things considered."

Shepard shrugged and gave him a small smile. "What's a little bit more?" she chuckled.

* * *

"You're telling me that you've been up in her cabin every night, and you've yet to-"

_"Jeff,"_ EDI admonished, _"it is clear, due to the Major's vitals, that he is uncomfortable with this line of questioning. Perhaps you should change the topic."_

Joker frowned in the general direction of the comm before looking back to Kaidan. "You wanna know what's worse than having a girlfriend?"

Kaidan raised his eyebrows, not quite sure where this line of questioning was going to go. "I don't know- one that you work with on a tin can in the middle of space?"

His frown deepened. "A, don't call my baby a tin can. B, no. And, C, when your significant other happens to be a fully evolved AI with the capability to hear and yell at you anyplace on the Normandy."

Smiling, Kaidan shrugged. "How about a girlfriend who's the savior of the galaxy twice- not to mention working on a _third_ time- and having an eerie sixth sense that can tell when you're talking about her."

"So you're admitting she's your girlfriend now?"

Kaidan rubbed his nose, and fidgeted a little. "Well…no. After…everything…it's a little more complicated than that."

_"Do you love her, Major?"_ EDI asked.

He lowered his head in defeat. Getting tag-teamed by, essentially, the Normandy and her pilot just wasn't fair. "Yeah," he admitted.

_"Can I ask you a personal question?"_ she asked.

"Would it stop you if I said no?"

_"Yes."_

"Go ahead, EDI."

She paused and seemed to think over her question. _"How did you know that you loved the Commander and- despite everything- how did you know that you would still love her?"_

Kaidan nodded his head as he looked up at the ceiling, thinking over how best to answer EDI's question as Joker shifted uncomfortably in the pilot's chair. "A person doesn't really get to choose who they fall for- you just fall in love and you get a person who is absolutely all wrong and entirely all right at the same time. And you know you love them so much even though they drive you completely insane- no one can explain it, least of all me."

_"That is very confusing,"_ EDI admitted.

"That's because it's love and, if love didn't have challenges, what would be the point?"

EDI and Joker said nothing- a fact that had Kaidan fighting a blush that, he swore, would start in his toes and work its way over the entirety of his body. It was clear that he had surprised them.

_"Normandy, this is Commander Shepard, come in,"_ Hope's voice filled the helm.

Kaidan and Joker looked at each other. "No kidding with the sixth sense!" Joker whispered.

"Better answer her," Kaidan urged.

"Hey there, Commander, you need something?" Joker asked easily.

The comm was silent for a minute. _"Can you please have Major Alenko meet me on the Presidium? Something's come up and I need his help."_

Joker looked over at Kaidan and waggled his eyebrows good-naturedly. "Sure, won't be a problem. I'm sure he'd be glad to help out."

Hope fell silent again and that worried Kaidan more than a little. _"Thanks, Joker. Shepard out."_

Joker's shoulder's sagged a little and he frowned at the comm board. "Was it just me, or did she seem a little off?"

Kaidan was already on his feet and heading to the airlock. "Everything's probably fine," Kaidan lied. "Don't wait up."

* * *

Shepard fought the urge to pace- it wouldn't do to frighten the civilians on the Citadel. She still had an image to uphold and she could feel eyes on her from every angle. Instead, she stood at one of the balconies and gripped a handrail tight enough to turn her knuckles while. It didn't even matter what she was looking at.

"Hope," Kaidan's warm, honey voice filled her entire being and his hand rested briefly on one of hers before moving away. "What's wrong?"

She loosened her grip and turned to look at him. "I have to go to Huerta," she informed him quietly, her voice tense.

"Are you alright?" he asked worriedly, looking over her. "What's wrong?"

Shepard led him to the elevator and then pushed for the appropriate floor when they were both inside. "After Cerberus' attack on the Citadel, I found a few kids- their parents were missing. Well, the youngest is in Huerta for something serious."

_The little boy that she had held so tightly in her arms,_ Kaidan realized.

"No clue what's wrong with him?"

She ran her hands through her hair and shook her head. "No clue. He managed to survive Cerberus forces on the Citadel and now he's in the hospital for something serious. I just need to check in on him."

Kaidan nodded and pulled her into a hug. "I bet he just has a really bad cold or something. Some of the best work at Huerta- no matter what, he's in good hands."

She pulled away from him as the VI let them know that they'd reached the appropriate floor. She was out the door before it had fully opened and was at the information desk before he had stepped out of the elevator.

"I'm looking for a little boy whose name is Tyler," she informed the person behind the desk.

The woman didn't even bother looking up from her terminal. "Are you family?" she asked, sounding bored.

Kaidan stopped next to Shepard and smiled reassuringly. A half-smile made its way onto her mouth and he knew that she was planning something devious. He decided to step in before she lied too badly (or well, depending on one's point of view). "No, but we're on important Spectre business and need to talk to him," he said briskly, sounding all business.

The woman looked up at the two of them as Shepard frowned at him and then the other woman was instantly on her feet. "C-commander Shepard!" she gasped out, hurrying around the desk. "Follow me."

As the woman walked by and they followed, Kaidan briefly rested his hand on the small of Hope's back and whispered, "You can yell at me later."

Hope cocked an eyebrow and pursed her lips but said nothing as the woman stopped in front of a closed door. "Tyler's just in there."

"What is it that he's in here for?" Shepard asked carefully.

"Malignant brain cancer."

"Type?" Kaidan asked.

The other woman glanced at the datapad outside of Tyler's room. "Brainstem gliomas. That kind of cancer is found in the brain stem, just like the name indicates. We're waiting for the proper doctors and equipment before we attempt to remove the tumor."

Shepard shook her head and walked by the other woman without another word. Kaidan quietly thanked the hospital worker and followed Shepard quietly. As she stood in the doorway with her hand covering her mouth, he rested his hand, again, on the small of her back. She looked up at him, horrified.

"Hope?" the little boy on the bed murmured.

She lowered her hand and smiled as she stepped away from Kaidan. "Hey there, Tyler," she said, walking closer to him. "I heard you were sick."

The little boy shrugged. "They didn't find my mommy and daddy," he informed her matter-of-factly, "and nobody wants me because I'm broke."

Kaidan looked over as the door to the room opened to Adria. He shifted uncomfortably, but said nothing.

"You're not broke," Hope assured him, brushing aside the boy's brown hair from his eyes. "If anyone _ever _says anything, you tell them to talk to Commander Shepard- you're sick _not _broken."

Tyler smiled tiredly at her. "Thank you," he whispered.

"The main problem that presents itself is the amount of funding there is available," Adria explained, bustling forward, not seeming to notice the way Shepard's shoulder tensed at the sound of her voice.

"Doctor Moore," she said, sounding as though her teeth were clenched together tightly.

Adria went around to the other side of the bed and began reading Tyler's vitals and making notes on her datapad. "What is about to be attempted is not an easy- nor cheap- procedure."

Shepard looked over her shoulder at Kaidan and he just shook his head helplessly. "Credit's aren't an issue," she informed Adria, smiling down at Tyler. "I'll cover any medical expenses there might be."

To say that Adria looked surprised would be an understatement. "That's very considerate, Commander."

"You can't take it to the grave- I have firsthand knowledge on _that_," she chuckled darkly. "This is for a good cause."

Kaidan frowned at her choice of words. It was just like her saying that Thane wouldn't be alone long. It was like she was _expecting _to die.

"Take care, Tyler," she murmured. "I'll come back as soon as I can."

Without any hesitation, she turned on her heel and exited the hospital room as quickly as she could. Kaidan rushed after her and nearly thought himself delusional when Adria hurried past him and stopped Shepard with a hand on her arm.

"Commander," Adria murmured.

He could see the strain in her hands and the tension in her shoulders and knew that she was keeping her temper barely in check. "Doctor."

"I know that Kaidan will've told you what happened last time you were on the Citadel," she began slowly and Kaidan could hear Shepard's forcibly calm breath. "I owe you both an apology."

Shepard slowly turned around and stared at the other woman, studying her face. "As far as I'm concerned, you don't owe _me_ anything. _Major Alenko_, on the other hand, deserves an apology for being put in that situation. _I_ understand why you did it."

"You do?" Kaidan and Adria asked at the same time.

She nodded. "Absolutely. Kaidan is special. Hell, he's what every woman wants in a guy and he isn't gay. However, with that said, you need to respect his decisions in regard to with whom he wants to be with."

Adria nodded, seemingly dumbfounded and didn't say a thing when Shepard turned and walked away, followed by Kaidan quickly behind her.

Commander Shepard was full of surprises.


End file.
